Story One Month

[bridgegirl]

It's been a month since my last ctb attempt.

I was at the bridge and I was so close, but SI kicked in and I failed. I don't know why, exactly, because I've resolved to do it.

It's been a surreal few weeks. My partner knows, but hasn't really seemed to respond in the way I would have expected. They are happy that I didn't, of course, but that's kind of all they've said (they are a good partner in most every other way). They also said that they "knew I wouldn't" and that they "had faith in" me. It makes me feel weird - like they don't think I'm serious. Like it wasn't a big deal.

When I think about standing there in the dark, everything in my body screaming at me to jump.. it feels pretty damn real.

I am grateful to have found this forum because I have not been able to talk about this with anyone in the way I need. People will flat out say that they've never dealt with suicidal feelings and that they don't understand. I don't know why people feel so compelled to say that they've never struggled with it - it's like, good for you?

I don't know what the point of this post is, other than that I've spent the last few days feeling like I can barely function and I'm hardly sleeping at night. I just keep thinking about being out there (all of the pathetic times I've been there, trying) and wondering why I have to feel such anguish. Nothing ever gets better for me. I'm not seeing those small moments of pure joy anymore. Haven't for years.

Maybe a good leap from a scenic spot would give me a last moment of euphoria. Maybe it would just be more terror and pain. I just feel so dejected after the last failed attempt. And it feels like it was a long time ago, and it feels like it was just last week.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I felt even more depressed than I normally do after my last attempt by using partial.
I honestly felt crushed, and a failure and hated myself.
So, I understand how you are feeling after a failed attempt, and it's awful.
I've finally resigned myself to jumping, because once I go over the edge I can't possibly back down.
I'm going to get drunk ( but not too drunk ) and then blindfold myself before jumping to help overcome survival instinct.

 

[FuneralCry]

The jumping method sounds difficult to go through with to me, I hate how it's not more straightforward to finally cease existing. But anyway best wishes, I get that it's tiring feeling trapped in this existence.

 

[bridgegirl]

I felt even more depressed than I normally do after my last attempt by using partial.
I honestly felt crushed, and a failure and hated myself.
So, I understand how you are feeling after a failed attempt, and it's awful.
I've finally resigned myself to jumping, because once I go over the edge I can't possibly back down.
I'm going to get drunk ( but not too drunk ) and then blindfold myself before jumping to help overcome survival instinct.

I actually read something that said that it's normal to feel this way after an attempt. I had felt a little better after mine, but that soon passed.

I've thought about getting drunk first, it would take slightly more planning but may be the best way.

The jumping method sounds difficult to go through with to me

It's a doozy for sure. Sometimes it seems easy to take that last step over the edge, and sometimes it seems impossible.

 

[somerandomguy1]

I am 32 years old and I have been suicidal half my life. My dad passed away when I was 15, and I am an average looking guy. I failed finding the love of my life, and now I am married to a person who doesn't care about my emotions or my well being. The only reason I am alive, is because of my mother. To give some more information, I felt starting things meaningless from an early point in my life. It's like I have been Brandon Stark since I was a kid. I lose interest in things easily, I get over people very very easily. I used to feel things before, now, I don't feel that either. I would feel nothing for days and days and I would just wander alone in the city and without knowing when I would go back home. I changed countries to cut ties with people, and eventually I can stay alone and save money so that I could try a VAD procedure in Basel. I am still in process of collecting the money and I just want to be alive till my mother is alive. Once she dies, I will simply fuck off from this planet.

I once was a person who wanted everything in life, all the good things, I worked very hard to be a capable and intellectual person but the early child hood traums of being bullied physically left me into a trauma for a long time. The death of my father cemented that trauma, and with blood relations conflict, I just stopped caring. Now that my wife, who is a self-centered person, I just have no hopes whatsover in my life.

I have screamed for help to God, but there was no sign, I have realised we are here on our own and nobody can help nobody because we come alone and we go alone. We give back the energy and the resources consumed from this planet once we die.

I don't believe in this religious bull**** because I think that's the biggest lie that is told to the humanity. It sounds to me like, it is distributed to keep people in check and to have a set of rules implemented to people.

I have slept with so many women ( mostly escorts ), I would simply visit them to see if I can feel things, to my surprise they have treated me well and loved me very well and said things to me like, I am a person with a kind heart. I know, I try to be kind and happy and bring things to them, because I know how it feels like to be hurt, alone, no body giving a **** about you, hunger, pain, cold looks and bitter people mocking you.

I am a shy and silent person, I have been bullied, mocked, beaten and yet, I have never wanted revenge. I just feel that I have endured enough of pain in this life time and I have run out of this thing called "Life", I can be around 100 happy people and yet I will be silent, sitting with a fake smile and drinking beer. I would want to run out of places, but I can't thinking what people might think or how they would feel. I just sit with a fake smile.

That's what life has been for me recently, fake smiles and loneliness.

I wish, I could end this right away but there is nothing I can do about it.