One last chance

[injuredbongos]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for awhile now and suddenly have the courage to speak out.

I have treatment resistant major depressive disorder with delusional features. I just left a physically abusive relationship that ended with my ex partner breaking my nose and bruising my C3 and C4. I'm currently taking antidepressants, just scored a new job, and I'm heading back to university in the fall. These things sound great, but I am finding it really hard to find a reason not to end the suffering.

My plan is to get my hands on some SN, and while I give therapy and medication another try, I'll come to a decision. I'm physically healthy and blessed with good genetics, but it feels like I'm coming upon the sensation of, "I did enough. I want to rest now" the more time goes on. I have beautiful friends and family, opportunities and options for life partners, but I don't want any of that and I'm not convinced it'll change the way I feel. I used to think maybe a boyfriend/husband and a family would give me the desire to live and I've never been pursued so often besides now. Things are good and they have the ability to get better, but I'm at a loss. It feels like I've come to a ceiling and CTB is my last chance at relief.

All I know is that if it doesn't get any better, I'd like to make friends and share my last moments on here. Not alone, yknow?

 

[hearthewind]

It seems that your life is looking up, so why not give it some more time?

Starting antidepressants sometimes has the side-effect of bringing suicidal thoughts, maybe just keep on those antidepressants for a while longer, and see if the feeling goes away?

You need to know that ctb is a done deal, once you take this route, there is no turning back, so you wouldn't know if things will get better.

It does sound like that things could go better for you.

 

[injuredbongos]

It seems that your life is looking up, so why not give it some more time?

Starting antidepressants sometimes has the side-effect of bringing suicidal thoughts, maybe just keep on those antidepressants for a while longer, and see if the feeling goes away?

You need to know that ctb is a done deal, once you take this route, there is no turning back, so you wouldn't know if things will get better.

It does sound like that things could go better for you.

Thank you for responding.

Yes, I agree. I know there's a sliver of hope inside of me, I think I just need community.

 

[bankai]

Welcome.Seems like you've thought this through. There's no hurry, though. Take your time. Talk it over with the people here before you finalize anything.

 

[catfriend]

hello fellow cat pfp!

i hope you find peace, no matter what you decide. in any case, you'll find support here. :)

it does sound like -- at least from what you've written here -- that you have a good support network, and that does help. (though MDD is no joke...)

 

[injuredbongos]

hello fellow cat pfp!

i hope you find peace, no matter what you decide. in any case, you'll find support here. :)

it does sound like -- at least from what you've written here -- that you have a good support network, and that does help. (though MDD is no joke...)

Thank you very much for replying.

Welcome.Seems like you've thought this through. There's no hurry, though. Take your time. Talk it over with the people here before you finalize anything.

Thanks for having me.

 

[hearthewind]

Thank you for responding.

Yes, I agree. I know there's a sliver of hope inside of me, I think I just need community.

Well, I definitely tried to ctb several time at my rock bottom.

Now although things are still like shit, it definitely is not the worst anymore, I am kind of glad I am still alive.

I still think about ctb sometimes though, but it is a silent thought, I don't actively seek it out any more.

 

[Fall_Apart]

Hello and welcome! Your situation seems to still include some valid options to try. The fact that you are still considering some reasons to give yourself a chance, means that you have every right to recover. Unfortunately, when a person is determined to do CTB, they know that no recovery scenario is possible, nor do they want to consider it. Take your time and give yourself another chance. Whatever your final choice will be, you can count on our support!

 

[imtiredasf]

Hey! I have MDD myself, and it's a real pain in the ass. I found myself here thinking about ctb, and so far the community has been fantastically welcoming. I hope things pan out for you, and if they don't, that's okay, too.

 

[injuredbongos]

Hello and welcome! Your situation seems to still include some valid options to try. The fact that you are still considering some reasons to give yourself a chance, means that you have every right to recover. Unfortunately, when a person is determined to do CTB, they know that no recovery scenario is possible, nor do they want to consider it. Take your time and give yourself another chance. Whatever your final choice will be, you can count on our support!

I really appreciate your response. Thank you so much.

Hey! I have MDD myself, and it's a real pain in the ass. I found myself here thinking about ctb, and so far the community has been fantastically welcoming. I hope things pan out for you, and if they don't, that's okay, too.

Thank you for understanding. I appreciate it dearly.

Well, I definitely tried to ctb several time at my rock bottom.

Now although things are still like shit, it definitely is not the worst anymore, I am kind of glad I am still alive.

I still think about ctb sometimes though, but it is a silent thought, I don't actively seek it out any more.

I'm hoping I can come to a solution since I do know I want to live, and what is especially intimidating is being so open about these thoughts and feelings for the first time ever with a community meant for such a thing. Empowering in a way. I'm not actively seeking out CTB either just yet, but it does provide comfort imagining an exit plan.