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justanotherstar

justanotherstar

Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
Nov 23, 2020
345
I'm here to ctb not save myself, I don't believe there is anything beyond this life and actually the end of everything is comforting. The thought of reincarnation or an afterlife of some kind is terrifying in many ways, I don't wish for it, I don't believe in it and most importantly that allows me to be relatively confident that I will escape the endless rounds of suffering. Yet there is this part of me, a delusional part, the bit of me dabbling in a bit of fantasy that wants to believe I will be met by my loved ones. In my head it almost seems romantic, to fall asleep and wake up in the arms of the ones we love, but I'm under no illusion that it's anything like that.



See part of my story is that I lost my partner in a car accident almost 3 years ago and my life has never been the same since, I'm a shadow of my former self, I miss him terribly, I haven't been able to carry on and function and build a life around the grief like other people have been able to. It makes me feel pathetic, he loved life, never wasted a second and here I am throwing mine away - he was always my biggest supporter but he wouldn't be proud of me for this. Of course nothing is simple, I'm not here to ctb just because of this one thing in my life, I have had complex mental health problems since I was a child, I've had therapy and medications and many stints in hospital - he was my carer after I had a breakdown in 2015 and he never once complained that he had to do that. He just loved me unconditionally and and cared for me in ways I honestly didn't deserve. We never had kids, I have fertility problems and we lost our only pregnancy many years ago - our son would be 11 now. So here I am and that's how I envisage it in my head - the final part of my story involves me going to sleep and waking up to the love of life and our son. I guess that's why I'm obsessed with SN and finding the most peaceful method possible to ctb so I fulfil this final fantasy of mine.



The reality will be different, it will suck, I will be scared and alone and probably in pain and whilst through the careful planning I hope to minimise the time I remain conscious I'm sure every second will feel like a lifetime. I will fight my SI, I'll desperately supress that part of me that will want to ring and express my love to the person I care about most and I'll probably have regrets that I never could have imagined. I'll leave a wake of devastation and so I'm not sure I deserve to be greeted kindly when my last actions are pure betrayal but hey that's a whole new story.



Are you harbouring a final fantasy? Or is it just me losing my mind little by little. Well done if you've survived my ramble. Thanks for listening
 
nerve

nerve

fat cringey shut-in
Jun 19, 2019
1,007
Hardly a ramble imo. I think it's really touching.

My father lived with a lot of drug/legal issues that prevented him from being around consistently when I was a kid. Despite this, he loved me very much and wanted to be in my life. Between fear and confusion and anxiety and being in middle school, I wasn't able to hold up my end of the bargain and we never spoke again after I was 12. When I was 21, he died and I felt nothing, but over time the grief has set in. I wonder if he always hoped to see me again or if he had given up on that. I wonder if there were certain things that would remind him of me or if there was a specific food or song or anything he associated with me.

My little daydream is that after I ctb, I'll be reunited with my father and all my dead pets and we can try being a family again, without all the drugs and trauma and mental illness getting into the way. I know it's silly and I know it doesn't matter but sometimes it helps to even just pretend this whole awful story will have a proper ending.
 
justanotherstar

justanotherstar

Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
Nov 23, 2020
345
Thank you for your kind words and sharing. That sounds really tough and I hear what your saying about your daydream. Wouldn't it be great to be reunited without all the difficult bits. It's the dream I guess. I love the fact that you said you want all your pets there because this is me, I have had so many hamsters growing up and my rabbit and dog and I looked after some guinea pigs and it would be my idea of heaven to see them all again lol
 
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J

justsad&done

Visionary
Nov 11, 2020
2,804
I'm so sorry for your sadness and suffering. My heart goes out to you in many ways. I lost my fiance and although everyone tells me to move on, and time will help - it hasn't at all. I am overwhelmed with grief. I can't think or function. But I pretend to because it seems the people around me just don't understand. You say your partner wouldn't be proud of you, but my guess is that he would understand because it sounds like you were perfect together.
And yes, although I know it isn't happening, the fantasy of being reunited is definitely nice to dream about. Hugs
 
Raminiki

Raminiki

Iustitia Mortuus
Jun 12, 2020
269
I have wondered about such things as being reunited with a wider family post-death, but I've also had a lot of what you could call spiritual or philosophical lessons in life that tell me it's impossible.

Logically, this is a nihilistic universe. There's no life after death, no meaning to life, no lessons or goals or experiences to work toward, and no reincarnation through cycles of suffering.

A little part of me thinks otherwise. However, even should we find someone we lost long ago, they would never be the same person. Death and time and distance would have changed that person beyond all recognition. What's gone is gone. The memories may be immortal, but the spirit and soul are not so.

I have grieved deeply over this fact and realisation, whether it's possible or not.
 

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