Venting once suicidal = always suicidal?

[dinosavr]

No matter how much I try to believe in psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy and in the ability to recover and enjoy life to the fullest, I always end up back on the "bottom" again.
(I used "" because it doesn't really feel like a bottom, maybe a little bit, but I have my blanket, a bunch of candles and a cup of cocoa down there).

I was never more unsure of what I wanted. I've recently posted on the recovery section that I feel better and that I was going to leave this site for good. But I guess I was just being delusional. I don't know.


I think my medication actually did their job - my thoughts about death are much less intrusive and less intense. I hardly ever cry or have a breakdown. But positive thoughts and emotions are also pretty much gone.

Do you think there is a pill that is actually able to change your thoughts instead of blocking them?
Or, if there's any way a therapist could talk you out of suicide? Even if it has to take a year long of therapy?


I begin to believe that once I got to experience (in my thoughts obviously) the idea of disappearing, I will never want to let go of it. It's too good to let it go. Why would I let it go?? It feels like a rational decision, not a symptom of a mental disorder anymore.

 

[Meteora]

I realate to that very much. When I was younger I thought I will overcome my suicidality, I was so wrong, it got worse. Me too, I m taking pills that keep me from acting out impulsively. But they make you numb in general. If I d stop with the pills I d probably just end my life and I often ask my self why I don't just stop taking them and let nature do what it has to.

 

[hadenough58]

My one and only attempt was in 1998, when I unsuccessfully OD as I puked most of them up.
A week in hospital and I was released with a clean bill of both physical and mental health but the truth is I don't think there has ever been a single day it has not least crossed my mind and on bad days I start to plan for it.

 

[Meteora]

I begin to believe that once I got to experience (in my thoughts obviously) the idea of disappearing, I will never want to let go of it. It's too good to let it go. Why would I let it go?? It feels like a rational decision, not a symptom of a mental disorder anymore.

I think you d have to feel better maybe in order to say yes to this life. Don't know.

 

[theboy]

no pill changes your thoughts, it only blocks or neutralizes them so to speak. I hear you. I also feel that I will not be able to get this idea out of my head no matter how much help I get.

 

[sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft]

i, in general, believe that you will never escape a single thought that had ever crossed your mind. even if for some time you'll forget it, sooner or later it will surface again. it has been this way for me with all my intrusive and/or suicidal thoughts. i guess over time and effort, such as therapy, medication and self-work, you just learn to manage them and reduce their impact on your mental wellbeing. i dont think anyone fully escapes suicidality

 

[UKscotty]

I think for me the answer is yes, I have untreatable depression.

However, many people get better and do recover. I'm sure you can look at the status of your country but here in the UK about 20 people a day CTB, out of a population of 70m that's quite a low number.

 

[strangelife]

Personally I got situation, I was in real trouble with health several years ago, and I was looking for CTB, but I was lucky to recover and suicide thoughts just stopped.

 

[Relic]

So, you don't want to escape every single experience that existence provides. The psych meds will zero positive emotions, not all of the meds but most of them. You should go through as many as you can tolerate and see what works best. SSRI's are generally the bad stuff. They apparently work for some, but most become just zombies.

Do you think there is a pill that is actually able to change your thoughts instead of blocking them?

This pill might be called distraction. There is no way to be alive, conscious, and avoid negative experiences or thoughts at the same time.

Or, if there's any way a therapist could talk you out of suicide? Even if it has to take a year long of therapy?

Doctors are not there to talk in a traditional sense. They choose words according to their training, they observe and manipulate. Not in negative ways, but still. They are also only human. They have hundreds of patients, everyone gets some 20 minutes of their time some four times a year, maybe less. They are there to log your progress and prescribe meds. Maybe psychologist can be more connected, I have made one cry.

I begin to believe that once I got to experience (in my thoughts obviously) the idea of disappearing, I will never want to let go of it. It's too good to let it go. Why would I let it go?? It feels like a rational decision, not a symptom of a mental disorder anymore.

If this is your daily fix, it will be there as long as you have nothing to replace it with. You get to drown in your thoughts and feel right at home.