On the fence

[itsallover]

I have been dealing with extreme phobias for more than ten years and one of them is death is unfortunately. Now I am dealing with a chronic physical disability that prevents me from working or even enjoying the simplest of things in life. It all started with a routine visit to the hospital where I contracted an unnecessary infection that might not ever clear up and has affected on of my most basic functions. I am trying to sue the hospital, but what use is money when you don't have your health. It has been over two years that I have been dealing with this and it has honestly drained me both physically and mentally. I feel like my whole life was thrown away in one day all of my years of education and work experience. I never wanted much out of life, just a simple career and existence and now it seems that I can't even have that. In my mind I am literally living hell on earth and since going through this I am starting to question if I would even want to continue living if I had my health back. I have seen just how cruel and disgusting this world is when I always was a kind person even to the point of being a pushover. I have read a lot of the posts on here and though it has made me more depressed it has given me some kind of comfort strangely knowing that others struggle with similar situations and thoughts. All of my extended family are rich, arrogant, and cheap assholes who even threw me out into the street when I had nowhere else to go. All I have left is my mother who I live with now on small monthly disability checks and my brother who has a great career and a nice life. My father is an abusive, selfish alcoholic with countless other vices who neglected me when I needed him the most and I have cut my ties with him. If something happens to my mother and I am still stuck with this physical disability then I am completely screwed and would have to kill myself. I am just tired of fighting and am sick of constant doctors appointments and countless prescription medications that I take daily just to get by. I don't believe in God no matter how hard I've tried to because it just doesn't make sense to me, especially now when everything and the little that I loved has been taken away from me. I really just want the suffering to end and even though I technically have decades of life ahead of me, I don't want to spend them in misery and possibly being homeless. If I fail all that modern medicine has to offer me including surgery which has been discussed, then I will have no choice but to take my life. The only problem is that fear of death which is why I have looked into suicide pacts, but if that doesn't happen then I have to build up the courage and get this over with. I would just wanted something quick and easy as the idea of Nembutal sounds great but how would I ever get it, so that has left me thinking that sodium nitrite would be my way as I have no access to guns. I know this is a long post, but any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Volatile]

I too have a persistent health problem. The flu this year led to me coughing up green mucus daily. Months later and I cough up white or clear mucus after I eat or drink anything, I have to make myself cough because my sinuses continue to drain into my windpipe. I've lost 25 pounds because eating has become too difficult. I also have had trouble swallowing for the past few years. Both problems combined are awful. Watching my body whither away makes me want to cry.

I wish death would fulfill man's need to not be alone. The conflict between the desire to not be in pain anymore and the desire to not be alone keeps me stuck in this hell.

 

[goggleboxers]

I too have a persistent health problem. The flu this year led to me coughing up green mucus daily. Months later and I cough up white or clear mucus after I eat or drink anything, I have to make myself cough because my sinuses continue to drain into my windpipe. I've lost 25 pounds because eating has become too difficult. I also have had trouble swallowing for the past few years. Both problems combined are awful. Watching my body whither away makes me want to cry.

I wish death would fulfill man's need to not be alone. The conflict between the desire to not be in pain anymore and the desire to not be alone keeps me stuck in this hell.

I have a chronic condition (don't like to say what it is) which whilst it doesent cause me physical pain inflicts great mental pain on me !! Lasting out tilll my mom dies then I have the biggest decision in my life to make - my impending death - and of course it isn't easy - survival instinct still kicking in today I want to live I want ti I've etc I do really do but I'm exhausted by the mental pain

 

[Volatile]

It's all so fucked up. This shits a torture chamber.

 

[dano6533]

@can'tdecide : I'm sorry this is your fate. I am in the similar situation you are describing now. The quality of life is almost completely gone, but I can at least work, albeit with a lot of pain.

Good luck my friend.