Venting on the edge

[rikamonie]

all of this back and forth nonsense is making me lose it, all of this messing around, being lead on by my ex only for it to be blown up in my face again, being unblocked and blocked repeatedly for weeks is making me suffer horrendously but i cant bring myself to block her that would be digging my own early grave but her doing this to me constantly is going to push me over the edge, i was already planning to CTB in the end since i knew it wont work but this just makes me sure that i want to do it as soon as possible, i cant keep going through this agony of being blocked for no reason and lead on by "i miss *whatever*" and "will we ever meet again" and "i wanted to talk to you" bullshit. its all bullshit. because why the hell am i blocked again for no reason suddenly if she wanted to talk to me so much, asking if we r going to meet again as if its my decision? it makes me feel so awful and even more lost than i already am

im sorry for the rant, i just really needed to get my feelings out in words instead of in my head

 

[NoPlaceForme]

Man I'm sorry with what you're feeling. So much BS. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

People are inconsistent at the best of times when it comes to emotional stuff. It's a nightmare to deal with, but hang in there man.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Being direct with you, because I've been through the same, and back when I was younger and didn't know how to get my needs met, I had similar behaviors. I felt awful when I became aware, and stopped the pattern, but counting on someone to do so is folly. You can't make others change or see what they refuse to see. It's up to you whether you yourself want to and are ready to see the shit she's doing for the shittiness it is. You can't change it, you can't change her, but you can stop engaging with it, then no more shit stains or bad odors on you or in your life.

That said...

She's feeding off you. She's not in it for anything like reciprocity or mutual well-being. That's her consistent pattern, and that gives predictability for her future actions, which will always be the first two sentences.

Such behavior will fuck up the person on the receiving end the same as drugs to keep them craving and returning, so that the one feeding can keep getting payoffs without investment in you as a person or in a genuine relationship. The more awful and lost you feel, the more she's been feeding, and the more she's been taking. She refuses what you offer, and then takes it from a different angle. That's my experience with such patterns, and it feels really bad when that kind of manipulative theft is happening. The manipulation makes it seem as if one agreed to it, but it was a bait and switch. Carrot dangled, theft occurs while focusing on the carrot, then toxic, draining, and distressing feelings and thoughts including resentment arise in response.

Edit: And she will never be satisfied, because she's already turned down what you offered, which would only be satisfying if she genuinely wanted it from you and with you. I'm sorry she's made it clear that she doesn't, but that gives you the opportunity to break free from her and do whatever you need to and choose to for your own well-being.

 

[rikamonie]

Being direct with you, because I've been through the same, and back when I was younger and didn't know how to get my needs met, I had similar behaviors. I felt awful when I became aware, and stopped the pattern, but counting on someone to do so is folly. You can't make others change or see what they refuse to see. It's up to you whether you yourself want to and are ready to see the shit she's doing for the shittiness it is. You can't change it, you can't change her, but you can stop engaging with it, then no more shit stains or bad odors on you or in your life.

That said...

She's feeding off you. She's not in it for anything like reciprocity or mutual well-being. That's her consistent pattern, and that gives predictability for her future actions, which will always be the first two sentences.

Such behavior will fuck up the person on the receiving end the same as drugs to keep them craving and returning, so that the one feeding can keep getting payoffs without investment in you as a person or in a genuine relationship. The more awful and lost you feel, the more she's been feeding, and the more she's been taking. She refuses what you offer, and then takes it from a different angle. That's my experience with such patterns, and it feels really bad when that kind of manipulative theft is happening. The manipulation makes it seem as if one agreed to it, but it was a bait and switch. Carrot dangled, theft occurs while focusing on the carrot, then toxic, draining, and distressing feelings and thoughts including resentment arise in response.

i know she is using me for her own selfishness and to only "help" herself its really horrible and i stopped wanting her to message me because i know she wont change, i would rather she stopped messaging me such things, i stopped responding quickly and feeding her what she wants, but being blocked just hurts so much more than anything she could ever say to me, not sure why but its like a hit to the heart

edit: id like to add that getting rid of her wont change my life at all, itll stop the horrific ups and downs but in the end im still going to be suicidal, being blocked by her or her presence not in my life just makes my last days harder to get through

 

[socrates]

Block her! She sounds like an asswhole. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

i know she is using me for her own selfishness and to only "help" herself its really horrible and i stopped wanting her to message me because i know she wont change, i would rather she stopped messaging me such things, i stopped responding quickly and feeding her what she wants, but being blocked just hurts so much more than anything she could ever say to me, not sure why but its like a hit to the heart

The response I hear is, "I know, but."

That tells me there's another, rekated seduction patte here, something that wants to feed. It says, I agree with you, but I want something different than what you offered.

I offered awareness, and I offered empowerment. However, and I say this calmly, not harshly, I'm not attached to you accepting what I offered. It took nothing from me to give from my resources, but it will if I engage in the pattern. I don't want to resent you.

I won't wish for you to change as you wish for her to change her behaviors. If you don't accept what I offered, then I accept that without judgment. I just won't try to connect with you on this subject anymore, and I detach from it with sincere best wishes for your well-being, whatever you determine for yourself that is at any time.

 

[rikamonie]

Block her! She sounds like an asswhole. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

): thank you, unfortunately i just cant, if i did i'd have to live with severe anxiety and regret until i CTB and all i wanted was to feel relaxed

 

[SG999]

I seems that she has mental health problems and is unstable.