On narcissists.

[lacrimosa]

I was abused for 7 years by a malignant narcissist.

I forgive them because she had a really cold and withholding mother who was also a narcissist and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Her mother, even at family dinners, would insult my ex father in law by calling him slow or stupid, etc. Right in front of us. I can't imagine how horrible her childhood was. Hurt people hurt people.

My ex would tell me I'm fat and unattractive before coitus. She would gaslight me by putting men's underwear in our laundry hamper that didn't belong to me just to torture me (still not sure if it was her that planted them or they were someone else's). She would ring the doorbell at 2am and ask me about it the next day to see if I heard it. I would force myself to say no, just to not give her the satisfaction. Even though she knew I heard it and was dying inside because I was convinced she was cheating on me.

I still loved her. What's that old saying? Love is blind. Or, is it just ignorant?

I held on because I was a pushover and I really loved her because she would brainwash me by love bombing me, then, by withholding her affection from me, I fell deeper under her spell. This push and pull effect is highly addictive to the narcissist's victim. It's the worst form of psychological torture - false hope.

I didn't know that they couldn't be medicated until a very wise person on this forum pointed out that that's not an option. This shed a lot of light on her psychology. If it can't be fixed by medication, then it isn't a chemical imbalance but a personality disorder.

Personality disorders can't be wished away or willed away by trying. A narcissist needs severe psycho therapy as they enjoy torturing their subjects psychologically... IMHO.

But, she enjoyed it to the point where it became too much torture and pain without any love (which is the way it always ends up) and so I left. Emotionally scarred and afraid to date anyone again.

Again, I forgive her and hope she gets help but I don't really see that as a realistic situation given her history.

If you are in a similar situation and can get out. Gird up your loins and run as fast away in the opposite direction!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. I believe I grew up with a narcissist. They were the reason I first became suicidal. It's got to be very complicated when you genuinely do care for them. I can't even imagine how hurtful it must be. I agree with you though- I think it's best to get away from them if you can.

I wonder if a narcissist would ever actually want treatment though. For one, they would need to register and admit there was something wrong with them and like you say, I think they get pleasure out of demeaning and upsetting people.

That said, now and again, members here have said they think they may have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.) So, I guess it is possible for them to be aware and feel guilty for their actions.

Personally, I find it so hard to feel sympathy if I'm honest. Especially for the person who affected my life so badly. But- like you say- it has to come from somewhere. Sometimes they also received narcissistic abuse from a parent.

In all honesty though, I think they can be terrifying to be around. They seem to operate on a different level to most people. It's hard to know what they'll stop at. I'm sorry for your experience.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Does she even have NDP or are you just making assumptions? I find it weird to feel the need to generalize and demonize people with certain mental illnesses on a forum where people openly talk about the issues with stigma surrounding mental health issues.

 

[lacrimosa]

Does she even have NDP or are you just making assumptions? I find it weird to feel the need to generalize and demonize people with certain mental illnesses on a forum where people openly talk about the issues with stigma surrounding mental health issues.

l'm not demonizing anyone, just going over the hell I went through with her. And, yes, she does have NPD. I've talked to many psychologists and counsellors about my experience and they all told me she had NPD when I described her behaviour and what she did to me.

Also, it's sound advice to not be in an abusive relationship with someone with NPD.

You forgot about the part where I wrote that I forgive and understand her as she was herself abused by her mother growing up. I don't see this as demonizing anybody.

If I was to demonize her. I would just bemoan the facts of what I went through, failing to display any empathy towards her.

I don't see what I did wrong. But, to each their own.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

l'm not demonizing anyone, just going over the hell I went through with her. And, yes, she does have NDP. I've talked to many psychologists and counsellors about my experience and they all told me she had NDP when I described her behaviour and what she did to me.

Did she actually get diagnosed with it though? Talking to a bunch of random psychologists and counsellors isn't the same as having someone get a proper diagnosis. From what I know, I am pretty sure that they aren't even allowed to diagnose people who aren't their patients.

 

[lacrimosa]

Did she actually get diagnosed with it though? Talking to a bunch of random psychologists and counsellors isn't the same as having someone get a proper diagnosis. From what I know, I am pretty sure that they aren't even allowed to diagnose people who aren't their patients.

You can call a spade a spade, or not. But from my own experience and from talking to psychologists. I was abused by a narcissist.

What are the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder?

• Sense of self-importance.
• Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success.
• Entitled.
• Can only be around people who are important or special.
• Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain.
• Arrogant.
• Lack empathy.
• Must be admired.

She ticked all of those boxes times 100, oh, but I must be delusional or mistaken, right?

Maybe she's not a narcissist, and there's a snowball's chance in hell of that but for you to sit there with no idea of what I experienced while in this "relationship" with her is kind of funny. Like you're judging me for being abused and bullied for 7 years. That's kind of judgemental on your part and you're making more assumptions than I ever have about this experience.

It's like you need to be right or correct those whom aren't in your area of expertise all of the time. I know we've had run-ins in the past and I admit I was mistaken. But trust me, on this, I am sticking to my guns.

And the so-called 'random' psychologists and counsellors I spoke with weren't diagnosing her, lol. They were trying to explain what happened to me and when I told them what happened, they said I was abused by a narcissist. So, you can take that however you want to.

I liked how you used the word 'random' to make it sound like I just picked these professionals out of a phone book.

But, I know what abuse is and I know she got off on it and I know that she is a narcissist. She may have not been formally diagnosed but that doesn't mean the results wouldn't come back the same...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You can call a spade a spade, or not. But from my own experience and from talking to psychologists. I was abused by a narcissist.

What are the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder?

• Sense of self-importance.
• Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success.
• Entitled.
• Can only be around people who are important or special.
• Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain.
• Arrogant.
• Lack empathy.
• Must be admired.

She ticked all of those boxes times 100, oh, but I must be delusional or mistaken, right?

Maybe she's not a narcissist, and there's a snowball's chance in hell of that but for you to sit there with no idea of what I experienced while in this "relationship" with her is kind of funny. Like you're judging me for being abused and bullied for 7 years. That's kind of judgemental on your part and you're making more assumptions than I ever have about this experience.

It's like you need to be right or correct those whom aren't in your area of expertise all of the time. I know we've had run-ins in the past and I admit I was mistaken. But trust me, on this, I am sticking to my guns.

And the psychologists and counsellors I spoke with weren't diagnosing her, lol. They were trying to explain what happened to me and when I told them what happened, they said I was abused by a narcissist. So, you can take that however you want to.

But, I know what abuse is and I know she got off on it and I know that she is a narcissist. She may have not been formally diagnosed but that doesn't mean the results wouldn't come back the same...

You aren't a psychologist, none of the counsellors or psychologists that you spoke to can say anything about what mental illness she may or may not have without having met her due to the potential of there being biases and certain details left out of your descriptions of her, there are also many disorders with similar symptoms to the ones you have mentioned, and I'm not judging you for being in an abusive relationship, I am judging you for demonizing those with NDP.

 

[Downdraft]

You aren't a psychologist, none of the counsellors or psychologists that you spoke to can say anything about what mental illness she may or may not have without having met her due to the potential of there being biases and certain details left out of your descriptions of her, there are also many disorders with similar symptoms to the ones you have mentioned, and I'm not judging you for being in an abusive relationship, I am judging you for demonizing those with NDP.

Just to add to this. Someone will probably say "fallacy of authority" or something like that. It's not. The symptoms described to the public are very vague, to the point many people without the illness could fit the criteria. Disorders are much more complex, and psychologists are trained to discard them or not. There are more underlying symptoms, and looking Wikipedia is absolutely not enough to properly diagnose anything.

You may think someone has no empathy, but that's your perception. You don't know unless you are trained to identify this things. Many people I know could fit what they wrote: vanity, have to always be right, a bit sadistic even... yet no one got it diagnosed.

 

[lacrimosa]

I'm not demonizing anybody and I am simply warning those to get out of abusive relationships with narcissists.

And I'm not using the term 'narcissist' like how the term 'fascist' gets thrown around to describe someone with opposing political views.

And, professional psychologists and counsellors can diagnose narcissism if you give them a thorough enough description.

Imagine this scenario. A doctor (not a psychologist) has a patient whom is a narcissist and they go to him and tell him of the things they like to do to hurt other people psychologically and they get off on that and how they also exploit other people and make fun of handicapped people, etc, etc, etc... Then, the doctor writes this in their notes and gives them to a psychologist to diagnose this patient. The psychologist then diagnoses them with narcissistic personality disorder. Let's say the patient, for whatever reason, can't see the psychologist directly because they're out of the country for a month but needs a diagnosis.

You're also acting like it's a prolonged and long, drawn out process to diagnose someone too. Which it is not as I've been diagnosed in about 30 minutes in most cases by describing my symptoms to professionals. Now, if a psychologist or psychiatrist whom is good at their job can diagnose me so quickly. Why can't they diagnose somebody else when I describe their symptoms? It's pretty black and white, is it not?

It's like this, I had all of the details of the experiences I went through, and what I shared here is just the tip of the iceberg. I went into great detail describing what happened throughout our 7 years of marriage and I'm not 100% innocent either, nor did I paint myself in such a way. If a counsellor and or psychologist tells me I was abused by a narcissist. I'm going to trust them over anyone else. Including you.

And I am not demonizing anyone or have an agenda against narcissists. I don't know where you got that from and if anyone feels betrayed or whatever, I'm just calling a spade a spade.

Just like how schizophrenics can potentially have violent episodes. This doesn't mean they will be violent, but it happens. And I have schizoaffective disorder... So, am I demonizing myself? No!

I was abused by a narcissist and it sucked and I forgive her and understand why she's like that but it's not for me. Sorry, I don't want to be told I'm fat before coitus or have the doorbell rung at 2am to test my sanity and then have her brag to her friends that she's doing this on purpose to torture me. Which I found out through the grapevine at a later date.

Also, I've done more research on the matter than simply read wikipedia. I was just using that list as an example of all the boxes she ticked. I could write a book about it and if I did, you would probably say, holy shit, she is a narcissist. But, whatever, we're all entitled to our opinion and this is mine.

Just to add to this. Someone will probably say "fallacy of authority" or something like that. It's not. The symptoms described to the public are very vague, to the point many people without the illness could fit the criteria. Disorders are much more complex, and psychologists are trained to discard them or not. There are more underlying symptoms, and looking Wikipedia is absolutely not enough to properly diagnose anything.

You may think someone has no empathy, but that's your perception. You don't know unless you are trained to identify this things. Many people I know could fit what they wrote: vanity, have to always be right, a bit sadistic even... yet no one got it diagnosed.

After living with someone for 7 years, you can put 2 and 2 together and get a real sense of them including whether or not they have empathy. She had none, at least for me. You don't have to be a psychologist to know you were abused either or know that your abuser enjoyed every moment of it.

 

[lacrimosa]

Also, to all the narcissists out there whom are suffering. I don't want to offend you or cause you any mental anguish, guilt, or shame.

I wanted to tell my story so if others are suffering in an abusive relationship with a likely narcissist or abusive partner, they can leave that relationship, that it's okay to kick rocks and leave that situation. That they don't have to suffer like I did.

Same goes if someone made a post stating that they can't deal with my paranoid delusions if they were my partner, friend, or whatever. I would totally understand where they're coming from as I can be hard to deal with regarding my own mental health.