LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 283
I'm sorry to keep venting free-flowing - but I simply don't know how much longer I can keep going!
Perhaps these posts, if they're all that's left, can serve as some sort of archive or repository... if those I knew, if they care to look, they might find this site, and I want them to know, I tried all I could.
It wasn't like last year I slept through blindly, or much of early 2023 just like it.
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying...
I find myself crying in this hotel, inspecting every option, every single one.
Until the end at most, of the month I might last.
To Germany, I can't return.
Over a month ago, that's been made clear...
Not safe for me, no place to stay, no more moneys, no right to work, no education - how on earth am I to participate in society?
In the UK, I've called and checked.
No right to stay, I could possibly obtain.
Inadmissible, would be any claim.
A real "place of safety", I'd wish for...
Not the ward they'd lock me in, were I to show distress to them again...
If only there was somewhere I could go, where I would reasonably know, that I'd be safe, that I could work, secure a future, through study or employment.
I don't mind if I'd be homeless once more...
Just give me something to fight for.
Some vantage point, from which to start...
Like I forgot through all the other years, to not just survive each week, but to work hard.
If I could show, the finished goal, US citizenship, or a skill, an apprenticeship, an education - anything!
I wouldn't be between death or institution, with no way out!
One final crumb of hope seems dashed all the same... A loan for the riskiest option I cannot obtain. Just along with all the others, I completely forgot to build a credit score, either, despite learning 2 years in about it...
I'm almost at the point, I don't...
I don't want to drop myself somewhere destitute and homeless with no plan.
I don't want to lose access to a safe, peaceful method of exit, in favor of nothing even half as solid.
Yet it still courses through my mind...
What if I used that app - the riskiest option - what could I find?
If I made it north, the risks are endless!
-At its best, release, with a chance to stay
-Alternative, indefinite incarceration
-Alternative, immediate deportation
-The worst of it, be killed, kidnapped, or robbed on the way
No support through this I'd have - crucially, without being physically inside, no legal aid will anyone provide.
That's why I sought safe passage... but refused, canceled, denied, and denied, were visas and admission.
The last-ditch choice may long be gone, it requires much more money than I could have kept.
My spending habits, you might deem then frivolous. For much of last year, I will not argue.
But this year, I turned it back all liquid.
Did I spend too much, to reach this point of insight?
Perhaps!
Yet would I have come this far, had I not spent?
My mind turned to complete dusk, a black, empty fog within that German town.
Only this amount of activity allowed me to think, instead of just sink, sink, sink - deeper into depression, deeper into fake dreaming, further and further away from reality.
I contend, that no one knows, who hasn't been extremly isolated.
Locked in a box, barely social contact.
The only ones that I can reach, push me away at most every turn.
Live on the margins every month.
Can't afford the basics, can't give to others, can only loan.
How else do you cope except to tune out?
The only ones I've ever known, in any similar spot, are either resentful to the core, or broken long beyond repair.
I don't want to turn out either.
I want to contribute, to participate, to bring joy and value...
I'm 25, is that too old? Is it really too late?
More than these ramblings, I may not leave behind.
Still. Thank you. For your time.
Perhaps these posts, if they're all that's left, can serve as some sort of archive or repository... if those I knew, if they care to look, they might find this site, and I want them to know, I tried all I could.
It wasn't like last year I slept through blindly, or much of early 2023 just like it.
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying...
I find myself crying in this hotel, inspecting every option, every single one.
Until the end at most, of the month I might last.
To Germany, I can't return.
Over a month ago, that's been made clear...
Not safe for me, no place to stay, no more moneys, no right to work, no education - how on earth am I to participate in society?
In the UK, I've called and checked.
No right to stay, I could possibly obtain.
Inadmissible, would be any claim.
A real "place of safety", I'd wish for...
Not the ward they'd lock me in, were I to show distress to them again...
If only there was somewhere I could go, where I would reasonably know, that I'd be safe, that I could work, secure a future, through study or employment.
I don't mind if I'd be homeless once more...
Just give me something to fight for.
Some vantage point, from which to start...
Like I forgot through all the other years, to not just survive each week, but to work hard.
If I could show, the finished goal, US citizenship, or a skill, an apprenticeship, an education - anything!
I wouldn't be between death or institution, with no way out!
One final crumb of hope seems dashed all the same... A loan for the riskiest option I cannot obtain. Just along with all the others, I completely forgot to build a credit score, either, despite learning 2 years in about it...
I'm almost at the point, I don't...
I don't want to drop myself somewhere destitute and homeless with no plan.
I don't want to lose access to a safe, peaceful method of exit, in favor of nothing even half as solid.
Yet it still courses through my mind...
What if I used that app - the riskiest option - what could I find?
If I made it north, the risks are endless!
-At its best, release, with a chance to stay
-Alternative, indefinite incarceration
-Alternative, immediate deportation
-The worst of it, be killed, kidnapped, or robbed on the way
No support through this I'd have - crucially, without being physically inside, no legal aid will anyone provide.
That's why I sought safe passage... but refused, canceled, denied, and denied, were visas and admission.
The last-ditch choice may long be gone, it requires much more money than I could have kept.
My spending habits, you might deem then frivolous. For much of last year, I will not argue.
But this year, I turned it back all liquid.
Did I spend too much, to reach this point of insight?
Perhaps!
Yet would I have come this far, had I not spent?
My mind turned to complete dusk, a black, empty fog within that German town.
Only this amount of activity allowed me to think, instead of just sink, sink, sink - deeper into depression, deeper into fake dreaming, further and further away from reality.
I contend, that no one knows, who hasn't been extremly isolated.
Locked in a box, barely social contact.
The only ones that I can reach, push me away at most every turn.
Live on the margins every month.
Can't afford the basics, can't give to others, can only loan.
How else do you cope except to tune out?
The only ones I've ever known, in any similar spot, are either resentful to the core, or broken long beyond repair.
I don't want to turn out either.
I want to contribute, to participate, to bring joy and value...
I'm 25, is that too old? Is it really too late?
More than these ramblings, I may not leave behind.
Still. Thank you. For your time.
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