Venting On grieving what could be

[probablynot]

When I was growing up, I was always told how much potential I had. Both of my parents (and now my adult younger sibling as well) are very successful. That's not to say they haven't struggled ever, but they've always been able to overcome things that have been difficult for them and have lived relatively comfortable lives. Now that I'm in my mid-20's, I'm still hearing things like, "you're still young, you are still going to go places, I just know it!". These days I've been struggling severely with symptoms related to diagnosed MDD, anxiety, ADHD, & PTSD more than ever on top of being in a really bad spot overall in my life. The last four years has been hell on Earth, no matter how you slice it. It's awful inside my head, and then I have poor coping skills (drugs) which further perpetuates the hell that I experience outside of my head. I'm trying to quit, but I can't do it on my own. It's been a nightmare getting health insurance but luckily mine was re-instated about a month ago- I'm on a waitlist for inpatient rehab. I wish I could say I felt hopeful because of this, but I just don't. I'm unemployed, dropped out of college around half a decade ago. The only place I have to live is the same spot where the majority of my trauma occured, and I live in the middle of nowhere with no vehicle. I never thought my drug use would catch up to me like this to where I haven't been able to support myself at all amogst a handful of other serious issues. It's humiliating, I'm so ashamed of myself.

I'm tired of hearing about this so-called "potential". I know folks mean well when saying that, but I don't think they have any idea how badly it actually makes me feel worse. To me, it just feels like I'm being told, "You could have done great things with your life if you weren't so mentally ill/had been more resilient in overcoming the trauma you faced in your teen & young adult years/had gotten the support you needed, when you needed it".

At this point I do know I want to CTB or I am going to just be putting myself through even more suffering. I don't want to get into the details, but this isn't as simple as a, "you don't know what could happen" kind of situation. I've spent nearly every single night for the past year or so suicidal, I just lack the means to do it in a way that offers me the peace I feel I deserve. I just don't want any more suffering, I'm so scared to keep living knowing how much worse things can get.

I wish I didn't have this "potential" so that I had less to feel bad about myself for leaving behind.

 

[InAgony]

I was an A grade student and my life has come to nothing. My mum used to say I would have been a huge success if it wasn't for my illnesses. It's hard knowing what could have been and seeing all your friends and siblings that have made it. Painful.