on dying alone.

[Tapir]

Like many people on this forum I have had depression and suicidal ideation for almost my entire life and very consciously at least since I was 9 years old. The last three years have been extremely hard for me. I tried some different psychiatric drugs that I had never been on before, but to no effect (my experience with drugs in general). I began working again with a therapist I had worked with for quite a few years and found good and helpful for a long time, but her answer now for everything seems to be based on the idea that things will get better eventually. But … but they're not. When I was younger I did think that eventually I would find some sort of treatment or lifestyle that would work but I don't think that any longer. I think this is how my brain is and it's not going to change.


My life is basically constructed around trying to survive my symptoms – extreme exhaustion, chronic migraines, lack of real desire to do almost anything. The idea that I might have to spend 20 or 30 or 40 more years feeling like this is horrible to me. SN seems like not a terrible way to go. I understand that it is perhaps not completely discomfort free. But 10-20 minutes of even extreme pain seems a price I am willing to pay to end my joyless slog of existence.


I'm surprised at how sad I feel about having to die alone. I view my death as the end of a long and terminal illness. If I had a terminal physical illness I could have my friends with me all holding my hands etc. (I'm not killing myself with some person I found on the internet. I'm sure there are many decent and equally miserable people out there, but I'm not in any condition to screen for this sort of thing.) But if you have a terminal mental illness, you die alone. Another fear that I cannot really voice anywhere else is that my friends will think "well, at least her suffering is over" when really what I wanted was to not suffer in the first place. But I suppose many people who are sick wish they were able to get better instead of dying?

 

[SpaceCadet]

Sorry for your pain mate, hopefully we all one day find peace either in this life or in our demise.

 

[Red Scare]

Yeah I know what you mean. People in those videos and documentaries that are pro-assisted suicide, are surrounded by friends or family. I wish it could be like that. I wish they would understand. As it is, telling them and having anyone around would put those people at risk of aiding a suicide, which is illegal in most jurisdictions.

I don't know, it just seems so sad, dying in a hotel room alone. Hopefully I'll drink my n and fall asleep before I am even aware of it... but I've given thought to it and though I will be alone, I plan to wear my best suit and lie on the bed above the covers. I'm going to shower, brush my hair, shave my face, make sure my nails are clipped and brush my teeth. At least I will be a well groomed and handsome corpse.

 

[FuneralCry]

Euthanasia should be legalised everywhere and our right to die should be respected. People should not have to die alone if that is what they want. We will all die eventually and death is inevitable for us all, so suicide should not be so stigmatised. I'm sorry that you have been suffering for so long, this life really is so awful. I know that it is hard to carry on when you live such an depressing existence. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[LookingforAnswers]

Its crazy the system and the way it is setup. Society condemns the mentally ill as if they want to be mentally ill. Their way of responding to crises (throw you in a hospital and take all your rights away) is so fucked up. It should be the opposite of a pouring of love and ppl surrounding you and support. Instead they chastise you for being "ill". Then to your point without euthanasia it seems like no other choice other than these violent methods that are brutal.

I view mental illness like a terminal one too. The odds of recovery seem to be pretty damn shitty when you read the right articles. The real reports of antidepressant response. Not these 6 week bullshit trials

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Like many people on this forum I have had depression and suicidal ideation for almost my entire life and very consciously at least since I was 9 years old. The last three years have been extremely hard for me. I tried some different psychiatric drugs that I had never been on before, but to no effect (my experience with drugs in general). I began working again with a therapist I had worked with for quite a few years and found good and helpful for a long time, but her answer now for everything seems to be based on the idea that things will get better eventually. But … but they're not. When I was younger I did think that eventually I would find some sort of treatment or lifestyle that would work but I don't think that any longer. I think this is how my brain is and it's not going to change.


My life is basically constructed around trying to survive my symptoms – extreme exhaustion, chronic migraines, lack of real desire to do almost anything. The idea that I might have to spend 20 or 30 or 40 more years feeling like this is horrible to me. SN seems like not a terrible way to go. I understand that it is perhaps not completely discomfort free. But 10-20 minutes of even extreme pain seems a price I am willing to pay to end my joyless slog of existence.


I'm surprised at how sad I feel about having to die alone. I view my death as the end of a long and terminal illness. If I had a terminal physical illness I could have my friends with me all holding my hands etc. (I'm not killing myself with some person I found on the internet. I'm sure there are many decent and equally miserable people out there, but I'm not in any condition to screen for this sort of thing.) But if you have a terminal mental illness, you die alone. Another fear that I cannot really voice anywhere else is that my friends will think "well, at least her suffering is over" when really what I wanted was to not suffer in the first place. But I suppose many people who are sick wish they were able to get better instead of dying?

I don't even know what it means to die alone or not alone. The dying process happens to you, not the people sat around you. How close do they need to be sat to you, so that you are not alone? I understand people coming to say goodbye, if you are terminally ill, but during the act of CTB or the dying process, the last thing I want is people watching me go through that. I have a friend who offered to come with me on my mission to CTB in a hotel by the sea somewhere, and I told him, 'not a bloody chance, this is a solo mission'.

 

[waitingforrest]

I have always thought about dying alone because I will just be locked up otherwise.

Perhaps it's not me wanting to have people with me, but instead it's the want to be able to say goodbyes in person and not through a note.

I lived alone and I will die alone. It's a fucked up kind of poetic.

 

[Red Scare]

I don't even know what it means to die alone or not alone. The dying process happens to you, not the people sat around you. How close do they need to be sat to you, so that you are not alone? I understand people coming to say goodbye, if you are terminally ill, but during the act of CTB or the dying process, the last thing I want is people watching me go through that. I have a friend who offered to come with me on my mission to CTB in a hotel by the sea somewhere, and I told him, 'not a bloody chance, this is a solo mission'.

Some people don't want to be alone in that moment, it's for emotional support as well. For a lot of people it is the hardest choice they will ever make, and you can't blame them for not necessarily wanting to be alone. My grandpa didn't even ctb, he died of cancer at home surrounded by family who came there just to be with him.

 

[TheBroken]

Interesting thoughts. Although I could have family around, I'm choosing to be alone when I go next month and it actually feels more comfortable instead of sad. I have all the paperwork for transfer of assets completed and cremation paid for with instructions about where to dump ashes. Alone is good for me, but I am sorry that it makes you sad and hope whatever you decide it will lessen this sadness.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Some people don't want to be alone in that moment, it's for emotional support as well. For a lot of people it is the hardest choice they will ever make, and you can't blame them for not necessarily wanting to be alone. My grandpa didn't even ctb, he died of cancer at home surrounded by family who came there just to be with him.

Fair enough. I've never had emotional support from anyone, so I struggle to understand this desire. I am used to being alone.