exiled
i gave so many signs
- Jun 17, 2023
- 296
Does it ever feel like the weight of your story, your pain, the torture you have endured... is so overwhelmingly large that it almost becomes a burden to release it onto someone else?
I am struggling with how excruciating my existence has become and I'm realizing that people actually do care about me but they cannot handle the gravity of it all.
I love my therapist and I know that he cares deeply about me. Last night, I was raw. Vulnerable. Told him how I'm really feeling. I've worked with him for a year and a half+ at this point. He's done so much for me, beyond the scope of what is even ethical, but it was all in good faith and to help me.
Yesterday, he had to pause the session for a second and said "I am having a very hard time... biologically" implying he was overwhelmed with the information I gave him and that he needed to pause to breathe. He really cares about me.
I feel like a burden. People at work roll their eyes at me every time I walk in because I just look sad. I used to be able to fake it and be happy and sing songs and dance around the branch. I can't do that anymore. They think I am just being a "pick me girl" but if I told them what trauma I am really enduring they might not feel that way.
But I can't.
I am a burden everywhere I go and a major part of my suicidality stems from wanting things to be easier for those that love me. Once I am dead, they cannot spend their time worrying that I might die - it'll just... be.
I am struggling with how excruciating my existence has become and I'm realizing that people actually do care about me but they cannot handle the gravity of it all.
I love my therapist and I know that he cares deeply about me. Last night, I was raw. Vulnerable. Told him how I'm really feeling. I've worked with him for a year and a half+ at this point. He's done so much for me, beyond the scope of what is even ethical, but it was all in good faith and to help me.
Yesterday, he had to pause the session for a second and said "I am having a very hard time... biologically" implying he was overwhelmed with the information I gave him and that he needed to pause to breathe. He really cares about me.
I feel like a burden. People at work roll their eyes at me every time I walk in because I just look sad. I used to be able to fake it and be happy and sing songs and dance around the branch. I can't do that anymore. They think I am just being a "pick me girl" but if I told them what trauma I am really enduring they might not feel that way.
But I can't.
I am a burden everywhere I go and a major part of my suicidality stems from wanting things to be easier for those that love me. Once I am dead, they cannot spend their time worrying that I might die - it'll just... be.
