Honestly the last few days have proved me once again that I am a mental wreck. I ruminated and worried in an insane way because the data transfer for my new phone did not work perfectly. I was and I am still anxious about some data. Won't go into details. I have probably lost some data. But 90% is saved.
I am a very very anxious individual. And honestly for me there are many reasonable reasons why I should be scared. But I realize how other more healthy and stable people can cope way better with uncertainty and thoughts about the future.
My parents cope by repeating everything will be fine. This family will be in huge financial problems in some years, it will probably be very dramatic. But they fully ignore it. I wish I could do that too. At least a little bit more. My fears and sorrows eat me alive every single day. They shape my thinking and behaviors a lot.
I think on a 1-10 scale when 1 is barely anxiety and 10 is extreme anxiety I think I am a 9. The only reason why I am able to attend college is taking addictive medication. For now I have achieved not getting addicted by it. But it was pretty hard. During exams I always took benzos. And despite taking benzos (a low dosage) I was anxious as fuck. Without the addictive medication I would have probably become psychotic or manic again.
I have the feeling soon I will have a new breakdown. I am so extremely scared. I experienced psychosomatic pain on an extreme level after my two psychotic breakdowns. It felt like something was tearing me a part. And this feeling lasted for more than a year. It reduced a little bit but it was fully gone after 2,5 years. I think I will kill myself if this shit happens again. The time after my last two breakdowns were unbearable. I would have committed suicide in case I had the lethal means to that time. My preparations are again not completed. But I have way more knowledge than in the past. I thought having lethal means at home could make it harder to try recovery. And I could imagine that would have likely happened.
The next semester at college gonna be insane. There will be some extreme dificult courses and I simply cannot cope with this insecurity. I need to understand it completely otherwise I become extremely anxious. You might find that ridiculous but it is just a fact for me. This stems from child abuse which led to an extreme performance pressure that I do to myself. I could well imagine that in some months I will have a breakdown. This extreme studying is also part of my OCD behavior. After my second psychosis I was smart enough to be self-aware about my OCD and manic behavior in order to prevent the worst scenario. But I have a notion of what is coming to me in the next months and I think the likelihood of a relapse is more than 50%. I just cannot cope with a new cycle of the pain. I have read what many people leads to commit suicide. Repeating crises, comorbidity, several unsolvable problems like loneliness, financial issues, longterm suicidality, often males in a young age, desperation and hopelessness. And this sounds like a perfect description of me.
I am very scared about suicide. Screwing it up etc. But I am way more scared about having to experience all this pain again. I have reached my limits. If I collapse I think there is no reasonable reason for me to continue this torture. I have tried so fucking much. I have done incredibly desperate and exhausting attemps to find a way to live. I don't want to commit suicide. But I cannot go on with this torture. This is all too much for me. I see it coming but I cannot change the outcome. I try to play the cards which I have been dealt with in the best possible way. But there is no escape for me. The thing I am scared the most being again in this extreme tormenting condition that I had to endure after my last episodes. The shame, the extreme psychosomatic pain, the (irrational) guilt I think this will drive me over the edge. I will never die really peacefully. I will cry and be in extreme pain in the last seconds on earth. I am so extremely anxious about the future. If my future resembles the last decade of my life I won't survive it long.
I am just traumatized by the pain I felt. It was insane. I don't want to feel like this ever again.
I think I am probably very very high on the anxiety spectrum. Though I still can enjoy spending time with people I like. I am not very anxious about crowds. I don't think I have panic attacks. But the fact that benzos cannot calm me down when I face performance pressure is quite telling.
As I said I am probably a 9.
I am a very very anxious individual. And honestly for me there are many reasonable reasons why I should be scared. But I realize how other more healthy and stable people can cope way better with uncertainty and thoughts about the future.
My parents cope by repeating everything will be fine. This family will be in huge financial problems in some years, it will probably be very dramatic. But they fully ignore it. I wish I could do that too. At least a little bit more. My fears and sorrows eat me alive every single day. They shape my thinking and behaviors a lot.
I think on a 1-10 scale when 1 is barely anxiety and 10 is extreme anxiety I think I am a 9. The only reason why I am able to attend college is taking addictive medication. For now I have achieved not getting addicted by it. But it was pretty hard. During exams I always took benzos. And despite taking benzos (a low dosage) I was anxious as fuck. Without the addictive medication I would have probably become psychotic or manic again.
I have the feeling soon I will have a new breakdown. I am so extremely scared. I experienced psychosomatic pain on an extreme level after my two psychotic breakdowns. It felt like something was tearing me a part. And this feeling lasted for more than a year. It reduced a little bit but it was fully gone after 2,5 years. I think I will kill myself if this shit happens again. The time after my last two breakdowns were unbearable. I would have committed suicide in case I had the lethal means to that time. My preparations are again not completed. But I have way more knowledge than in the past. I thought having lethal means at home could make it harder to try recovery. And I could imagine that would have likely happened.
The next semester at college gonna be insane. There will be some extreme dificult courses and I simply cannot cope with this insecurity. I need to understand it completely otherwise I become extremely anxious. You might find that ridiculous but it is just a fact for me. This stems from child abuse which led to an extreme performance pressure that I do to myself. I could well imagine that in some months I will have a breakdown. This extreme studying is also part of my OCD behavior. After my second psychosis I was smart enough to be self-aware about my OCD and manic behavior in order to prevent the worst scenario. But I have a notion of what is coming to me in the next months and I think the likelihood of a relapse is more than 50%. I just cannot cope with a new cycle of the pain. I have read what many people leads to commit suicide. Repeating crises, comorbidity, several unsolvable problems like loneliness, financial issues, longterm suicidality, often males in a young age, desperation and hopelessness. And this sounds like a perfect description of me.
I am very scared about suicide. Screwing it up etc. But I am way more scared about having to experience all this pain again. I have reached my limits. If I collapse I think there is no reasonable reason for me to continue this torture. I have tried so fucking much. I have done incredibly desperate and exhausting attemps to find a way to live. I don't want to commit suicide. But I cannot go on with this torture. This is all too much for me. I see it coming but I cannot change the outcome. I try to play the cards which I have been dealt with in the best possible way. But there is no escape for me. The thing I am scared the most being again in this extreme tormenting condition that I had to endure after my last episodes. The shame, the extreme psychosomatic pain, the (irrational) guilt I think this will drive me over the edge. I will never die really peacefully. I will cry and be in extreme pain in the last seconds on earth. I am so extremely anxious about the future. If my future resembles the last decade of my life I won't survive it long.
I am just traumatized by the pain I felt. It was insane. I don't want to feel like this ever again.
I think I am probably very very high on the anxiety spectrum. Though I still can enjoy spending time with people I like. I am not very anxious about crowds. I don't think I have panic attacks. But the fact that benzos cannot calm me down when I face performance pressure is quite telling.
As I said I am probably a 9.
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