Styrotoast
Member
- Jan 24, 2023
- 10
This morning was pretty good I woke up on call with my partner and then went to hang out with a friend, I also probably broke my finger but thats not too big of a deal. Tonight made no sense though, I was on call with my partner and he left randomly after one of my friends called him. Texts me saying it might be awhile but they're venting to each other and we can all call after that. Never ends up happening though, instead he tells me he needs to spend the night alone and think about a lot after we've spent almost the entire last month sleeping on call. I let him know its okay if he needs to be alone for now and if he needs anything at all to text me and ask if he's gonna be okay. he mostly ignores my message but responds to other friend drama, I think its fine he probably just needs some alone time for now but was worried about the drama. Then he turns his life360 tracking off, me and him can be pretty mentally iffy sometimes so I'm really worried at this point cause usually I check to make sure if he's on a night walk or anything that he's okay and it also brings me a kind of peace of mind just being able to see that. I stupidly and frantically assume he's left the group or something and I have some issues about trust and abandonment stuff and just generally not knowing whats going on plus ive found it very difficult to know when he's mad at me or ive done something wrong unless he tells me(autismmmm). I message him asking about that and figure out how stupid it is to ask that cause if he is mad me asking will just make things worse and I should just let him come to me with this stuff. This is where I am now, completely obsessed with him and I feel like I'm going through withdrawals lmao shaking with anxiety about what could be bothering him and hoping to god that its not me, I cant use any easy coping mechanisms right now and the one healthy one I have is gaming and that isnt easy with a broken thumb, I cant sleep without being on call with him so its an all nighter of mental illness for me tonight. The only reason I haven't attempted is because if he knew he would probably feel guilty for just asking for space and I dont want him to feel like theres anything he cant tell me but that reasoning and logic doesn't mix well with my brain screaming at me and can only hold me off for so long. 2/10 day overall honestly and if stuff keeps going on like this i might not be around much longer. sorry for this long ass vent and the fact that my grammar is probably shit.
