Venting oh my god i hate being mute

[breachswapper]

i genuinely feel subhuman. i feel so much burning envy for everyone around me that still has their voice i'm so mad that i'll never stutter or have little inflections in my speech or control my volume or just any of the little subtle changes a voice can do. it's been a year since i lost the ability to speak and all my friendships are fucking ruined people that i used to treat like family members genuinely act like i don't exist at meetups now. i have to try so hard just to get any little bit of attention i don't understand it. i feel like my brain is shrinking. i can't think right. the things i say feel so much more disorganized then they used to, i use the words part of it so much less then i used to. that plus the fact that i haven't done any school assignments in years, i feel so fucking stupid now. i hate the fact that people can just keep talking and talking and talking and talking and get everything out, my typing could never keep up with them. all i do is type now. i can't just say things. i have to calculate how to convey something in a short sentence, and if it's worth saying at all. people see me in crowds and think i'm shy. people see me online and think i don't have a microphone. they don't know how badly i want to speak they don't i just want to feel like a person again. i was so loud. i was so confident. i feel trapped in my own body i hate this i hate this so much

 

[seasonsdied]

Just curious. Do you still have that internal monologue thingy?

I hope you find a solution though.

 

[breachswapper]

Just curious. Do you still have that internal monologue thingy?

I hope you find a solution though.

yeah. my internal monologue has never really been spoken though even before any of this, but i can imagine a speaker whenever i want. i mostly think in images and some weird other thing i can't really describe

 

[shiftingtendons]

i kinda feel you, im selective mute and I can't speak in most if not all of social situations. the people in my apartment complex think im mute the few times they see me. im so sorry you're going through this .

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Back when I used to work in retail half a decade ago, a family would come by and buy groceries, the husband was both mute and deaf and the wife was deaf and obviously that comes with not being able to learn how to speak probably so she didn't really bother.

My colleagues treated them like trash but since they were people that came by so many times, I learned how to say hello and goodbye in sign language and besides that I helped them with paying by having notes where I would write the price that they needed to pay for groceries.

I don't think I could've done much more personally but they seemed to appreciate the effort. Too bad many people think that even putting in as small of an effort as this is too much. People seem to hate disabled people, I don't get the reason, probably the same reason as why they hate transgender people or people of color. Different = dangerous in their eyes. But they have a way with disabled people, where they won't let them know that they hate them, not visually or straight forward-y, but they will have an "aura" of disgust/hate, I know it well.

 

[Hotsackage]

pretty much, why i dont make new friendships, or avoid ones i have already. it sucks for sure

 

[breachswapper]

People seem to hate disabled people, I don't get the reason, probably the same reason as why they hate transgender people or people of color. Different = dangerous in their eyes. But they have a way with disabled people, where they won't let them know that they hate them, not visually or straight forward-y, but they will have an "aura" of disgust/hate, I know it well.

i think the dehumanization is so deeply ingrained in people's heads. they seem to view disabled people as less intelligent, and less intelligent people as less capable of feeling pain when they treat them like shit. i look at people treat me bad and wonder if they could ever feel sonder while looking at me

 

[Forveleth]

There is a large deaf population in my area. Took an intro community class on sign language and also learned about deaf culture. It was fascinating and I was almost giddy the first time I signed to a deaf person.

Ignoring someone who can not speak is one of the worst things a human can do. I am so sorry you are in that situation.

 

[Dot]

Yh b-ing mte cn b vry frstr8tng

Slf am 4tun8 in the slf hve spport workrs tke slf out evrywhre s/ am nevr tryn2 communc8 w/o thr hlp - slf wll tke a tablt & blu-tth ky-brd out & spport workr wll sy 'sh/ = goin typ 2 u' & slf hve mstly hd gd xperncs wth custmr servce

= cld also b tht ppl r ovrly nce bcse am dsabld s/ slf gt th/ pity treatmnt & thy fl gd fr doin smethng nce fr an invlid

Slf d/ nt hve socl lfe outsde of SaSu & thre r 2 irl frnds wh/ vist 3-4 tmes pr yr s/ cannt rel8 2 tht prt mch

In UK thre = gd phne servce calld Relay in whch a 3rd prty wll tlk on ur b-hlf & thy wll b readng wht u r typng -- th/ wrst xperncs tht slf hve hd hve bn thru tht whre sme compnies wll rfuse t/ tlk usng tht servce & = obvs tht dealng wth custmers thru tht servce = burdn t/ thm tht thy d/ nt hve tme fr

Thre hve bn sme instncs of ppl talkng 2 slf lke a chld bcse thy assme tht am intellctully challngd whn slf am mre acdemclly educ8td thn mst ppl wh/ slf tlk 2 - s/ tht cn b frstr8tng -- bt also mny ppl in th/ mentl helth systm cn rel8 2 b-ing spokn 2 lke a nghty chld

A doctr 1nce cmplaind hw cmmunc8tng via tablt ws diffclt fr hr & slf almst bcme v sarcastc sayng 'am srry tht mst b hrd fr u' - slf hve thrwn tablt in frstratn mre thn 1nce

Also thre r thngs tht ppl tke fr grantd lke th/ mlti-taskng tht ppl cn d/ whn thy cn tlk whilst doin unrel8td tsks wth thr hnds sch as gamng or washng dishs - whn communc8tng thru typng slf hve 2 stp whtevr am doin in ordr 2 cmmunc8 whch = also v restrctve - s/ slf rel8 2 mny of ur xperncs

Am srry tht ur frnds r nt v undrstndng - = easy 2 b drownd out whn cannt audbly gt ppl attentn

Slf wll sy tht gettng a tablt & blu-tth kybrd hs bn th/ biggst hlp - cmmunc8ng on phne ws v v stressfl - typng = xcruti8tngly slw & hve 2 pt in ppl fces s/ thy cn C wht r sayng --- if usng a tablt th/ scrn cn b mch biggr & hve bg txt on a ntes app & also cn ordr persnlisd ky-brds whch cn mke brng own persnlty & identty/individulty t/ th/ stuatn -- slf hve a tablt cse whch dbles as a stnd fr easy visblty & cn alwys clck fingrs & b pointng whn hve smethng t/ sy

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Yh b-ing mte cn b vry frstr8tng

Slf am 4tun8 in the slf hve spport workrs tke slf out evrywhre s/ am nevr tryn2 communc8 w/o thr hlp - slf wll tke a tablt & blu-tth ky-brd out & spport workr wll sy 'sh/ = goin typ 2 u' & slf hve mstly hd gd xperncs wth custmr servce

= cld also b tht ppl r ovrly nce bcse am dsabld s/ slf gt th/ pity treatmnt & thy fl gd fr doin smethng nce fr an invlid

Slf d/ nt hve socl lfe outsde of SaSu & thre r 2 irl frnds wh/ vist 3-4 tmes pr yr s/ cannt rel8 2 tht prt mch

In UK thre = gd phne servce calld Relay in whch a 3rd prty wll tlk on ur b-hlf & thy wll b readng wht u r typng -- th/ wrst xperncs tht slf hve hd hve bn thru tht whre sme compnies wll rfuse t/ tlk usng tht servce & = obvs tht dealng wth custmers thru tht servce = burdn t/ thm tht thy d/ nt hve tme fr

Thre hve bn sme instncs of ppl talkng 2 slf lke a chld bcse thy assme tht am intellctully challngd whn slf am mre acdemclly educ8td thn mst ppl wh/ slf tlk 2 - s/ tht cn b frstr8tng -- bt also mny ppl in th/ mentl helth systm cn rel8 2 b-ing spokn 2 lke a nghty chld

A doctr 1nce cmplaind hw cmmunc8tng via tablt ws diffclt fr hr & slf almst bcme v sarcastc sayng 'am srry tht mst b hrd fr u' - slf hve thrwn tablt in frstratn mre thn 1nce

Also thre r thngs tht ppl tke fr grantd lke th/ mlti-taskng tht ppl cn d/ whn thy cn tlk whilst doin unrel8td tsks wth thr hnds sch as gamng or washng dishs - whn communc8tng thru typng slf hve 2 stp whtevr am doin in ordr 2 cmmunc8 whch = also v restrctve - s/ slf rel8 2 mny of ur xperncs

Am srry tht ur frnds r nt v undrstndng - = easy 2 b drownd out whn cannt audbly gt ppl attentn

Slf wll sy tht gettng a tablt & blu-tth kybrd hs bn th/ biggst hlp - cmmunc8ng on phne ws v v stressfl - typng = xcruti8tngly slw & hve 2 pt in ppl fces s/ thy cn C wht r sayng --- if usng a tablt th/ scrn cn b mch biggr & hve bg txt on a ntes app & also cn ordr persnlisd ky-brds whch cn mke brng own persnlty & identty/individulty t/ th/ stuatn -- slf hve a tablt bcse whch dbles as a stnd fr easy visblty & cn alwys clck fingrs & b pointng whn hve smethng t/ sy

'translation'
Yeah being mute can be very frustrating.

I am fortunate in the I have support workers take me out everywhere, so I am never trying to communicate without their help. I will take a tablet and bluetooth keyboard out, and support worker will say "she is going to type to you", and I have mostly had good experiences with customer service.

It could also be that people are overly nice because I am disabled, so I get the pity treatment and they feel good for doing something nice for an invalid.
I do not have social life outside of SaSu, and there are 2 irl friends who visits 3-4 times pr year so cannot relate too that part much.

In UK There is good phone service called 'Relay' in which a third party will talk on your behalf, and they will be reading what you are typing. The worst experience that I have had have been through that, where some companies will refuse to talk using that srevice, and is obvious that dealing with customers though that sevrice is burden to them, that they do not have time for.

There have been some instances of people talking to me like a child, because they assume that I am intellectually challenged, when I am more academically educated than most people who I talk to. So that can be frustrating, but also many people in mental health system can relate to being spoken to like a naughty child.

A doctor once complained how communicating via tablet was difficult for her, and I almost became very sarcastic saying; 'I am sorry that must be very hard for you". I have thrown tablet in frustration more than once.

Also there are things that people take for granted, like multitasking that people can do when they can talk whilst doing unrelated tasks with their hands, such as gaming or washing dishes. When communicating through typing I have to stop whatever I am doing, in order to communicate which is also very restrictive, so I relate to many of your experiences.

I am sorry that your friends are not very understanding. It's easy to be drowned out, when cannot audibly get people's attention.

I will say that getting a tablet and bluetooth keyboard has been the biggest help. Communicating on phone was very very stressful. Typing is excruciatingly slow and have to put in peoples faces, so they can see what are saying. If using a tablet, the screen can be much bigger and have big texts on a notes app and also can order personalized keyboards which can bring own personality and identity/individuality to the situation. I have a tablet case which doubles as a stand for easy visibility, and can always click fingers and be pointing to when have something to say.