Oh hey good timing

[softfuzzyman]

Hi ss, new here and glad to have found and joined this site to actually be able to speak honestly and be myself (or who ive become over the past few months... the only thoughts and feelings i can sustain from the time i wake up to the time i go back to sleep are ctb related) without someone just ignoring everything and not actually responding to what im actually saying and only spouting the same template stuff ive heard over and over my whole life... good timing because it's my birthday lmao. Not something I feel great about.

I won't rly get too in depth but basically my story is similar to a lot of others. Depressed and wanted to ctb and SHing for as long as I can remember/since extremely early childhood, then on top of it PTSD from physical and sexual abuse, been thru so much different treatment but it's extremely treatment resistant, etc etc, just exhausted at this point, tired of the constant screeching of "it gets better" (followed by... nothing lol people just say that and then that's it that's all they bring to the table so i dont think they know how it's supposed to magically get better either) because well in my experience it doesn't rly... idk just exhausted.

It sucks learning about methods and realizing how fiddly and difficult and risky everything is. My biggest prevention factor is fear of failure because i know i plain and simple cant afford to be hospitalized again, both financially and mentally. I live in the us but previous psych hospitalizations and well documented mental health history that looks super bad on paper means i cant pass a background check to get a firearm... even if i did have that kinda money. It's just hell at this point knowing i dont have any options to escape and am trapped here suffering...

Currently my options im mulling over are being an idiot and drinking a bunch of wine & 2 bottles of zzquil & tying a bag over my head while in my car in a hopefully well abandoned area and just praying i end up favored by the extremely slim odds of succeeding doing that (my luck and what i know happens most of the time when ppl try that it would end with unconsciously ditching the bag and having to just wake up from nasty nasty benadryl od) or being an idiot and drinking aforementioned benadryl then going for a lovely swim with a backpack full of bricks ziptied to me and most likely being caught or something (i know straight up drowning is painful af and hard to succeed when SI kicks in but it has always been my dream method)

I keep typing out explanations of other methods and why im hesitant/unable to do them but it's TL;DR so basically i have a lot of factors working against me and it's so gd exhausting knowing im stuck bc i dont have anything available to truly get the job done so i just keep suffering and rotting... i sleep so much and eat so little and cant focus on anything and standing for even 10 minutes drains me. I start a sucky food service job at the end of the month that i desperately dont wanna do and know i cant handle and am not functioning well enough to perform but i have to do and im very certain i'll have a mental breakdown within the first few days which will probably push me to make some sloppy attempt so that'll be fun i guess, hopefully best case scenario in the event of failure i just dont get found and forced to go to the hospital and can just pretend it didnt happen and regroup and try something else. Anyway yeah nice to meet you and good to be here and stuff

 

[Jack4230]

Sorry dude, that sounds rough. Welcome to the site btw, I'd spend a little more time looking through methods if you're serious about catching the bus cuz your methods sound kinda janky. Whatever you decide to do, whether that be continuing living or CTBing at least you know aren't alone in your pain. I truly wish you the best and hope you stick around for a while cuz I'm sure you have more to offer than you think.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You don't have to make a sloppy attempt. If you go to the Resource Compilation in the pinned threads, there are a lot of options. One you have a method and a plan, that doesn't even mean you have to ctb, but you can be informed and know what you're doing if ever that is your choice.

 

[psychoticxerror]

Welcome and happy belated birthday! I hope something was able to bring you a smile. I'm proud of you for feeling so unwell, yet still pushing yourself to work. I know that isn't easy. Maybe it will be a good distraction, and the extra activity should help stimulate your appetite as well. Wishing you good luck on your first day. Maybe you can tell us how it goes.

 

[softfuzzyman]

@Jack4230 @GoodPersonEffed

Yeah definitely the methods i have at hand rn are extremely sloppy/janky which is why im worried about going to work and having a breakdown pushing me to try something bad anyway. Shit situation bc i have to start working again but i know i cant handle it and it's gonna mess me up and make me probably pull some poorly thought out stunt out of urgency/panic/not thinking right. Not that how i feel rn in a non-panic state is pleasant in the slightest nor anything i wanna keep experiencing much longer, but at least just pure logic keeps me from acting on how bad i feel when i'm so unprepared. But yeah scrambled panic brain is a different brain entirely and logic doesnt exist there so. I guess i'll find out.

@psychoticxerror

Thank you and yeah i live on the swingset of either doing nothing and my anxiety/panic symptoms arent bad because im not doing anything, but my depression is bad because im not doing anything, or, having a lot of activity, and my depression lessens a bit because of that but then i start having panic attacks again from stress and doing too much stuff so. Yeah.