Off to Cyberia (goodbye)

[TheCyberian]

I had a brief lull of contentment while home with family for the holidays, but as soon as I came home I immediately started sinking into another depressive episode. I don't want to live through that hell again. I need to end things now before my brain starts torturing me mercilessly.

My plan is to take SN around 1am tonight so I can send goodbye messages while everyone is asleep. I'm going about this as follows:

2pm - Start water fast

11pm - Begin dry fast

12am - Take 8mg of Bromazolam, 30mg of meto, 4mg of zofran, and 1000mg of ibuprofen

1am - Drink 25g of SN in 50mL of water

I haven't been here very long, but I've really appreciated how kind and supportive everyone here is. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I can't keep doing this. I haven't been happy in years and I imagine it'll only get worse as I get older. I'm totally alone and it's killing me.

I'm sorry avery.

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

Huh? killing yourself just because you are alone at home?

 

[Wannabehappy]

I don't know you, I don't know who you are, but I support you. whatever your decision, be happy.

 

[TheCyberian]

Huh? killing yourself just because you are alone at home?

I'm alone in life

 

[chocolatebar]

The end of the year is so triggering... makes me feel like going away too...

May I ask you what cyberia means?

 

[Minibosterita]

Is there no way to move closer to family? Do you think that would help?

 

[lessonlearned]

i love that anime. im sorry that your in pain:(

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Per ardua ad astra

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wishing to be free from this cruel existence are understandable. It really can be so awful knowing that if you continue to exist you will just suffer more and more. I hope that you find what you wish for.

 

[MidnightDream]

Best of luck to you. If you change your mind, we'll all be here for you, otherwise I wish you peace, comfort and safety <3

 

[Shadowlord900]

If you don't like being alone, have you considered getting a pet? I do apologise in advance if that is something you have already considered but don't like the idea of, or are unable to do for whatever reason, or just simply like the company of other people more so than animals.

 

[TheCyberian]

The end of the year is so triggering... makes me feel like going away too...

May I ask you what cyberia means?

Cyberia is a reference to the anime Serial Experiments Lain. It's my favorite.

Is there no way to move closer to family? Do you think that would help?

That's not possible, unfortunately. I'm transgender and most of my family will stop talking to me once they find out. It's a big part of why I want to CTB. I can't be myself without losing my support network.

If you don't like being alone, have you considered getting a pet? I do apologise in advance if that is something you have already considered but don't like the idea of, or are unable to do for whatever reason, or just simply like the company of other people more so than animals.

I'm the type of person that feels alone in a crowd or even surrounded by friends, so I don't think it'd help. It's an existential thing.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

I'm alone in life

We're all here for you. Sorry the hardships you're going through have you feeling this way.

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

May you find true peace ! <3
May your exit be swift and not uncomfortable <3

 

[blackwidow]

just one ask. u gone film this or not?

Why say that??

 

[L I F E T O L O S E]

Why say that??

just curiosity.

 

[littlelady774]

just curiosity.

A bit insensitive

 

[Doom]

yes, break the system

 

[Unending]

I'm the type of person that feels alone in a crowd or even surrounded by friends, so I don't think it'd help. It's an existential thing.

I totally understand this and know how terrible it can feel, especially when it is an ongoing thing with little relief. Also, I can empathize with how difficult coming out as trans can be. I'm sorry that you're in this unpleasant predicament and hope for you to find relief.

 

[purplehearted]

I'm sorry it came to this. Feel free to PM me, i'm CTB tonight as well Hopefully our pain ends and we find peace

 

[L I F E T O L O S E]

A bit insensitive

ok deleting this. i hope @TheCyberian think better about your act.I apologize if I was insensitive.

 

[Winterreise]

Do you take cyproterone? If so you should consider using another testosterone blocker. cyproterone can cause serious depression. Even cis women who take it as contraception, can get seriously depressed

 

[TheCyberian]

Do you take cyproterone? If so you should consider using another testosterone blocker. cyproterone can cause serious depression. Even cis women who take it as contraception, can get seriously depressed

I do high estrogen monotherapy so I'm not currently taking a T blocker. It's possible that high estrogen levels are exacerbating my depression, but I've had depression and suicidal thoughts long before my transition.

 

[IwanttodieASAP]

Huh? killing yourself just because you are alone at home?

What the actual fucking hell is wrong with you? Seriously shut the fuck up! Shut up asshole! You know nothing! Nothing about how this person is telling or what they went through. Shut your God damn mouth. You know nothing. How dare you.

 

[TheCyberian]

Started my dry fast. It's getting closer...

 

[TydalWave]

I want you to know how much I appreciate my short experience with you on here.

You helped me out a lot. I genuinely want what's best for you, you deserve freedom from your suffering.

Would love to say goodbye before you go, as I was not expecting you to go before me </3

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Huh? killing yourself just because you are alone at home?

For many people loneliness is unbearable.


@TheCyberian I'm so sorry...I'll burn a little candle for you, may your soul find love and warmth

 

[TheCyberian]

Took the meds. not going to be around much longer. I'm so sorry avery. I wish I could have gotten better

 

[TydalWave]

I am very grateful to have gotten to know this user before they left.

TheCyberian is/was a beautiful soul and brought a lot of comfort to myself over the last through weeks dealing with my internal struggles.

For anyone concerned, and for the benefit of others I do believe they were successful in their attempt with SN; although we will have to wait until tomorrow to know for sure. I can say that they were in a very calm and peaceful state in their final minutes of consciousness with only minor symptoms after taking the SN ( minor stomach discomfort and tachycardia )

If you are gone now, I hope you have gone to a better place that embraces you for everything you are.

 

[Zegers]

Bon voyage