Venting Obsessed with the idea of a girlfriend

[Sarros]

I don't think I've ever had the self-awareness until now to realize that this is definitely a full blown obsession.

For the past couple weeks I cannot stop thinking about anything other than fantasizing about meeting with or having a girlfriend. I can't get any work done or enjoy anything. I've been so busy doing so many things lately but I can't remember actually being there, present in the moment.

If I had a girlfriend:
We'd text good morning. Talk about our day. Send cute little texts and gifs back and forth. We'd geek out on our niche hobbies or interests. Support each other and our time of need. Lean on each other for comfort or look to each other for guidance. I just want to do cute stuff like hold hands or have a picnic in the park. I want to buy you flowers and sing to you. Or fall asleep in each other's arms bathed in the light of the TV screen watching a movie. I don't even mind all the mundane, daily, grind if it was with a partner. I'd cling to life just to do laundry together or sit around the dinner table and do taxes with you...
I have so much love to give but it's all going to go to waste.

 

[everydaythesame]

I don't think I've ever had the self-awareness until now to realize that this is definitely a full blown obsession.

For the past couple weeks I cannot stop thinking about anything other than fantasizing about meeting with or having a girlfriend. I can't get any work done or enjoy anything. I've been so busy doing so many things lately but I can't remember actually being there, present in the moment.

If I had a girlfriend:
We'd text good morning. Talk about our day. Send cute little texts and gifs back and forth. We'd geek out on our niche hobbies or interests. Support each other and our time of need. Lean on each other for comfort or look to each other for guidance. I just want to do cute stuff like hold hands or have a picnic in the park. I want to buy you flowers and sing to you. Or fall asleep in each other's arms bathed in the light of the TV screen watching a movie. I don't even mind all the mundane, daily, grind if it was with a partner. I'd cling to life just to do laundry together or sit around the dinner table and do taxes with you...
I have so much love to give but it's all going to go to waste.

Stay on your own pal. Life is much more bearable. You run the risk of getting hurt and feeling worse than you already do.

 

[JustAnx]

Hope eventually you get a girlfriend and be a beautiful relationship.

I remember one of my girlfriends. She would text me things like: "did you have breakfast yet, love?", "did you eat lunch?"
And me, being the pieace shit that i was, used to tell her that she was kinda smuthering me with that sort of questions. She just cared too much for me, and i didn't actually deserve it.
I wish i was receiving that kinda love right now, i wish i didn't take so many things for granted. I wish i would've learned my lesson sooner, and worked towards being a more appreciative better man.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

What could be more human than the desire for companionship?

All throughout my childhood and adolescence I would have criticized your fixation because I could never relate. I never wanted any of those things. I never daydreamed about being in a relationship and dating in school felt like such a waste of time.

Now I'm an adult, and while I still don't relate I'm not the same obnoxious asshole I used to be (I hope) and can sympathize. It's okay to want/need people and close relationships in your life. Even if the desire for it is more intense or uncomfortable than some of us experience. Good luck finding someone you deserve. Truly.

 

[LunarLight]

Stay on your own pal. Life is much more bearable. You run the risk of getting hurt and feeling worse than you already do.

Jesus, you're so negative. I'd run the risk of getting hurt every fucking single day if I had to. My partner is such an amazing person and if I'm alive today I owe it to them. I'm incredibly lucky to stand by their side and they make life worth living.

 

[Sarros]

Stay on your own pal. Life is much more bearable. You run the risk of getting hurt and feeling worse than you already do.

I already want to kill myself because I'm alone. If someone hurts me, I'll get it over with instead of living in this shitty limbo.

 

[astr4]

u and the girl who thinks a bf will fix her should start talking ha /jk

Jesus, you're so negative. I'd run the risk of getting hurt every fucking single day if I had to. My partner is such an amazing person and if I'm alive today I owe it to them. I'm incredibly lucky to stand by their side and they make life worth living.

honestly maybe the reply seems overly cynical but my interpretation is this is a person who has been hurt by others repeatedly. is it negative or is it realistic? i'm glad love has been worth it for u but i can't say it's ever been worth it for me, or i guess for that other poster either. i think lucky might be the right word for it, in that it's incredibly… rare. i truly think you are far more likely to be hurt so grievously you would rather ctb, than to find someone who will love you with kindness and make you want to live. can i ask if you still plan on ctb/does your partner know?

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is it that's stopping you from pursuing a romantic relationship?

 

[Sarros]

If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is it that's stopping you from pursuing a romantic relationship?

I can't do it on my own. Someone else actually needs to want to be with me. After all my attempts and the few dates I've been on, women only want me as a friend, or just ghost me, or they already have someone.

 

[LunarLight]

u and the girl who thinks a bf will fix her should start talking ha /jk

honestly maybe the reply seems overly cynical but my interpretation is this is a person who has been hurt by others repeatedly. is it negative or is it realistic? i'm glad love has been worth it for u but i can't say it's ever been worth it for me, or i guess for that other poster either. i think lucky might be the right word for it, in that it's incredibly… rare. i truly think you are far more likely to be hurt so grievously you would rather ctb, than to find someone who will love you with kindness and make you want to live. can i ask if you still plan on ctb/does your partner know?

I just pointed at the fact that everydaythesame's statement is an overgeneralization. Just because one person has had a bad experience with love does not mean all romantic relationships are doomed to hurt everyone. I was just pointing at this fact. And I have no complaints about your post because, well, it is balanced, not an overgeneralization: "you might be hurt" does not equal "you will necessarily be hurt".

My partner knew about my former plans (circa April/May), and I made their life a living hell for quite a while. They went to work everyday thinking it would be the last time they saw me alive. Even now, they cry sometimes when they're reminded of these dark times, telling me I've traumatized them. They threw away my SN as well and were very angry at me for ordering some.
Now I'm doing better thanks to my new meds (mianserine and amisulpride) and my now regular heroin consumption. So CTB is postponed until further notice - when I have no more money for heroin, probably.

 

[everydaythesame]

u and the girl who thinks a bf will fix her should start talking ha /jk

honestly maybe the reply seems overly cynical but my interpretation is this is a person who has been hurt by others repeatedly. is it negative or is it realistic? i'm glad love has been worth it for u but i can't say it's ever been worth it for me, or i guess for that other poster either. i think lucky might be the right word for it, in that it's incredibly… rare. i truly think you are far more likely to be hurt so grievously you would rather ctb, than to find someone who will love you with kindness and make you want to live. can i ask if you still plan on ctb/does your partner know?

Spot on. Appreciate your comment.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm in the same boat though in my case, I have to also contend with the fact that I don't deserve the benefits of love in the first place and I know that even if I were to somehow win the probability equivalent of ten lottery jackpots in a row I would still find a way to sabotage it somehow because that's just how I am.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I don't need a girlfriend nor any kind of relationship with any human at all.

a certain kind of nihilism is freedom because you realize nothing matters . you become free from the needs society / culture pushes such as to have friends or a romantic relationship or partner. if nothing trully matters why would that garbage ? it doesn't

i need to become as obsessed as you are or more with reaching non-existence asap.

 

[sevennn]

that's really sweet. you sound like you'd make a good boyfriend. i also think i have love to give. but my problem is i'm too tired to give it. i'd rather die now. it's easier than living. i wish i was happy like everyone else

 

[NoRespawn]

If I had a girlfriend:
We'd text good morning. Talk about our day. Send cute little texts and gifs back and forth. We'd geek out on our niche hobbies or interests. Support each other and our time of need. Lean on each other for comfort or look to each other for guidance. I just want to do cute stuff like hold hands or have a picnic in the park. I want to buy you flowers and sing to you. Or fall asleep in each other's arms bathed in the light of the TV screen watching a movie. I don't even mind all the mundane, daily, grind if it was with a partner. I'd cling to life just to do laundry together or sit around the dinner table and do taxes with you...
I have so much love to give but it's all going to go to waste.

I can't do it on my own. Someone else actually needs to want to be with me. After all my attempts and the few dates I've been on, women only want me as a friend, or just ghost me, or they already have someone.

this that same simp ass shit that got me jaded in the first place, we did all that stuff, which made the breakup hurt all the worse. Which then caused me to dog out all the women after her, because I didn't want to feel love and get hurt again. Which turn into the kind of men I hate today.

Although, your first relationship I feel is an unskippable cannon event/cutscene that everyone (should?) goes through.

And if you're already wanting to commit ctb, if you get into a relationship you're bound to be clingy af and drain your partner with your problems, @LunarLight already said it in his post that was happening in their relationship.

If you think you're going to bounce back after the breakup, then you're probably better off not getting in one, sometimes the breakup isn't the worse part, nor is getting cheated on. The worse feeling is feeling alone even while being right next to your partner.

 

[Demi-Fiend]

this that same simp ass shit that got me jaded in the first place, we did all that stuff, which made the breakup hurt all the worse. Which then caused me to dog out all the women after her, because I didn't want to feel love and get hurt again. Which turn into the kind of men I hate today.

Although, your first relationship I feel is an unskippable cannon event/cutscene that everyone (should?) goes through.

And if you're already wanting to commit ctb, if you get into a relationship you're bound to be clingy af and drain your partner with your problems, @LunarLight already said it in his post that was happening in their relationship.

If you think you're going to bounce back after the breakup, then you're probably better off not getting in one, sometimes the breakup isn't the worse part, nor is getting cheated on. The worse feeling is feeling alone even while being right next to your partner.

Hey, same here. I fell into a space of emotional vitriol and incessantly begged to salvage the relationship, shit made it exponentially worse.

I agree with you, sometimes it's best to learn how to be with yourself, and without the company of others. Shit is extremely draining when you're being suffocated around someone who can't tolerate your presence.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

i wish i was happy like everyone else

Most people find some way to be discontent with their lives. Even the people who seemingly have it all find a way to obsess over their small miseries. It's baked in as a default setting in the human experience to focus more on the bad than the good, which is why a successful content creator online can get overwhelmingly positive feedback and a single digit percentage of negative feedback can ruin their day.

Even if something made you happy, after long enough it would become your new normal and your discontent would return and you'd go looking for it on something else. Point is: everyone else isn't all that happy either, even if they look like it.

Insert 'getting home after being the funny friend all day' meme here.

 

[everydaythesame]

Jesus, you're so negative. I'd run the risk of getting hurt every fucking single day if I had to. My partner is such an amazing person and if I'm alive today I owe it to them. I'm incredibly lucky to stand by their side and they make life worth living.

I see why you can't get one with that attitude.

 

[Nocturnal Ghoul]

I go back and forth with this all the time. One moment I'm fantasizing about all the things I would do with this hypothetical girlfriend, then the next moment I remember how much I don't like being around people and the thought of having to go out on dates, meet her friends and family etc sounds so exhausting. I wish I could somehow find a way to counter my biological drive of human connection and reproduction so I can just move on in life and stop getting hung up on being a virgin at 27.

 

[590a1]

I understand what you mean, but my desire isn't as strong as it used to be. I still think how nice it'd be though to have a girl slide over on the bench seat in my truck and hold me while driving, and have someone to go through life with. Hell, if I had a good relationship I probably wouldn't be on this site. But I've unfortunately fallen in love with some girls who deeply hurt me so my confidence level in finding a genuine girl has gone down alot.

 

[pyx]

brutal man. i know that there's nothing i can really say that doesn't spill into brusque pathologizing, so i will just say that i wish you luck in the future. you certainly aren't alone in this matter

 

[LunarLight]

I see why you can't get one with that attitude.

What?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I see why you can't get one with that attitude.

The person you replied to literally has a partner though…

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I don't think I've ever had the self-awareness until now to realize that this is definitely a full blown obsession.

For the past couple weeks I cannot stop thinking about anything other than fantasizing about meeting with or having a girlfriend. I can't get any work done or enjoy anything. I've been so busy doing so many things lately but I can't remember actually being there, present in the moment.

If I had a girlfriend:
We'd text good morning. Talk about our day. Send cute little texts and gifs back and forth. We'd geek out on our niche hobbies or interests. Support each other and our time of need. Lean on each other for comfort or look to each other for guidance. I just want to do cute stuff like hold hands or have a picnic in the park. I want to buy you flowers and sing to you. Or fall asleep in each other's arms bathed in the light of the TV screen watching a movie. I don't even mind all the mundane, daily, grind if it was with a partner. I'd cling to life just to do laundry together or sit around the dinner table and do taxes with you...
I have so much love to give but it's all going to go to waste.

I am exactly the same. I don't sing too well though so I'll give that a miss.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't need a girlfriend nor any kind of relationship with any human at all.

a certain kind of nihilism is freedom because you realize nothing matters . you become free from the needs society / culture pushes such as to have friends or a romantic relationship or partner. if nothing trully matters why would that garbage ? it doesn't

i need to become as obsessed as you are or more with reaching non-existence asap.

I wouldn't say nothing matters since I believe that there is one thing in life that matters. That thing being suffering. Suffering absolutely matters and mitigating it as much as possible matters

 

[Rocket]

Of course it's nowhere near the same, but maybe you could try an AI girlfriend for a bit? Just as a bridge. Many of the things you mentioned (cute conversation, sending memes) are possible now. Maybe that experience would give you some more confidence too. I know people who have and it's been great for them. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time and you surely sound like someone with love to give. Sending you a big hug.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I wouldn't say nothing matters since I believe that there is one thing in life that matters. That thing being suffering. Suffering absolutely matters and mitigating it as much as possible matters

Yeah I agree. Avoiding my pain and my suffering and my problems and my suicide asap are the only things that matter .

Yes suffering and pain matter and getting to non-existence matter

I meant the things they constantly push like relationships, entertainment like YouTube, love , life etc don't matter.