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YellowCamels2000

Member
Jul 14, 2023
7
-19yo
-Ugly ( Norwood 4 balding stage; small, wide babyface with no definition at 6'1 156lb; physically weak and slow )
-Low IQ, combined with my interest in programming and computer science makes it even more brutal, I can't process logic in my head AT ALL, people who start all already better than my 4+ years of studying
-Socially awkward
-Bullied and socially rejected in my teen years
-Emotionally unstable
-Raised by a single mother that didn't give a single crap about his well being except buying clothes and making food
-Literally no interest in anything
-Talentless, I'm the worst at everything I do
-Probably schizotypal/schizoaffective ( possibly even early schizophrenic? ), according to the psychiatrist I go to
-Can't even take psychedelics or any other mind-altering drug because of the previous point
-Constantly reminded of my worthlessness whenever I see people outside, in school, etc. It's like life wants me to CTB so much ( Look, see those people? You will never be like them! You only get to lay down and rot! HAHA! )

I'm fucking tired of this shit. I hate how every single point of those is present because of things outside of my control ( wrong place at the wrong time; genetics ). I'm literally going catatonic whenever I see happy people because there is no timeline in a million years I will be one of them. I just got rolled a bad hand in life. Even after all of this mentioned, people are still trying to counter my views of myself like saying "you're very intelligent/handsome/talented", yet the reality is completely different. If I were smart for example, I wouldn't be even writing here, because I'd be busy doing something productive, having good grades, going to college, literally living my fucking life. I have stopped listening to empty words, just because you call a homeless man a millionaire, it won't make him swimming around in his private yacht. I also hate "stop comparing yourself to others", to objectively determine your value you MUST compare yourself to others, a mouse can decide "I won't compare myself to that cat, everyone is good at different things :)", but it won't stop it from being hunted down and eaten. Life is literally a game of winners and losers, and I'm the ultimate loser. Just because I think positively, it won't make me smarter and better in life, it all comes down to how your brain is physically wired.
 
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