Venting Nothing takes the pain away

[cymbaline23]

I constantly try to distract myself but it's never enough. As soon as I wake up in the morning, my mind is flooded with overwhelming thoughts. Nothing makes it go away, it's never enough. I'm so tired of this. I wish I could smoke weed until my lungs collapse. I've been hitting myself again because I don't have anything else to help. I don't enjoy anything. I'm tired of being a burden. I feel so alone, and I hate everyone. I just want to be loved. Everything is so overwhelming, I can't even talk to people anymore, even online. I'm mentally ill and socially inept so I know I'll never be loved, and that kills me. I can't have any sort of human interaction without losing my mind. I don't want it to be like this anymore. I wish I could be normal. I just want to be held. I'm tired of this hopeless cycle.

I think about the nature of life every day. Gender roles, prejudice, violent crime, greed, lust, nature, childbirth, dystopian society... I hate that things have to be this way, it's so absurd to me. I don't understand how people have the will to live this life. I've never even been able to be 100% consistent with personal hygiene. I wish I wasn't male sometimes, I hate having a male brain, and I hate being associated with violent, evil people just because I was born like this. I feel like I don't belong anywhere in this world.

I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. I'm tired of my mom making me feel like shit. It feels like she guilt-trips and belittles me so much, and trying to say something only makes things worse, even when I say it the right way. I'm tired of being mean to her, too. I love her, but she makes me so angry, and she's driving me insane. She's always had my back and helped with my mental health struggles, but in other ways, I feel like she unintentionally neglected me, and I was set up for failure. I wasn't eased into adulthood. Life is terrifying. I contribute nothing to this world, and I don't have the ability to. Maybe it's just because I'm autistic, or maybe the neglect plays a part in it too.

I feel like my therapist is mad at me or maybe she hates me. I always have something to say for therapy, but I fuck up every time and never say it the right way. I have a hard time being 100% honest, as if I have a reputation to maintain or something. I feel like an evil, terrible person most of the time. Last session, I feel like I overshared, and I keep beating myself up over it. Maybe therapy is just making things worse. Maybe I'm experiencing transference.

I'm tired of being alone, evil, and worthless.

 

[TheUncommon]

Why do you hate everyone?
Why do you simultaneously want to be held?

 

[cymbaline23]

Why do you hate everyone?
Why do you simultaneously want to be held?

I don't literally hate everyone. Generally speaking, I hate humanity and our nature. I could've worded that better, it was emotionally charged

 

[TheUncommon]

I don't literally hate everyone. Generally speaking, I hate humanity and our nature. I could've worded that better, it was emotionally charged

Oh, I see. I almost literally hate everyone I come across on a day to day basis, so I just wanted to see another perspective in that regard. Of humanity's shortcomings that you listed, do you have any hope that they will eventually stop becoming issues in the distant future?