Venting nothing much

[girlwitharose]

I've moved on from my ex. What he did was wrong and i've realised that thanks to everyone who helped me through it. I started smiling and laughing more and crying less but recently it's all come crashing down. Nothing in particular happened, i just found myself crying my soul out one night wishing i had died when i tried to ctb twice when i was in my pre teen years. I like this new guy a lot, he's a gentleman and very sweet. He's tall and protective (but not an obsessive way) and has a nice voice and sweet personality. It's even better, when he's around his friends he's this Macho Man but around me he's all soft and i love it. But sometimes he's flirtatious, and other times he acts entirely disengaged and uninterested. Hes giving me mixed signals and i'm not sure of it. I'm friends with his ex (i liked him before i met her, therefore neither of us consider it "homie hopping") and she said that she made almost all the moves but that's how he was with her so i'm trying not to overthink it. I want to live for him, i need to stop living for people lol. I hate him but i also love him. I hate him for making me attached but i love him for him. I hate everyone though and i've been distancing myself from everyone and things i used to do. Only 1 person noticed but i managed to brush it off but they're still skeptical. My mindset has been bad lately and i'm always feeling like i'm on the verge on killing myself or not, but i'm a lot less confident with the 'want to die' than when i was 14. I want to die and im not scared of death or dying, but im scared of what's going to happen after. I don't want to be here but i don't know where i'll go if i die. that's the part that terrifies me, because i believe in heaven and purgatory and hell and everything in between. I want to go to heaven but once i die in my muscle machine, My soul will be trapped and have no way of escaping whatever punishment or process i must go through. I don't specifically know why i want to die, i just do. It's like my mind is so full of reasons why i want to die, it can't focus on one and therefore it feels i want to die for no reason. Idk what this vent is about. I just want to be heard.

 

[Chara]

I've moved on from my ex. What he did was wrong and i've realised that thanks to everyone who helped me through it. I started smiling and laughing more and crying less but recently it's all come crashing down. Nothing in particular happened, i just found myself crying my soul out one night wishing i had died when i tried to ctb twice when i was in my pre teen years. I like this new guy a lot, he's a gentleman and very sweet. He's tall and protective (but not an obsessive way) and has a nice voice and sweet personality. It's even better, when he's around his friends he's this Macho Man but around me he's all soft and i love it. But sometimes he's flirtatious, and other times he acts entirely disengaged and uninterested. Hes giving me mixed signals and i'm not sure of it. I'm friends with his ex (i liked him before i met her, therefore neither of us consider it "homie hopping") and she said that she made almost all the moves but that's how he was with her so i'm trying not to overthink it. I want to live for him, i need to stop living for people lol. I hate him but i also love him. I hate him for making me attached but i love him for him. I hate everyone though and i've been distancing myself from everyone and things i used to do. Only 1 person noticed but i managed to brush it off but they're still skeptical. My mindset has been bad lately and i'm always feeling like i'm on the verge on killing myself or not, but i'm a lot less confident with the 'want to die' than when i was 14. I want to die and im not scared of death or dying, but im scared of what's going to happen after. I don't want to be here but i don't know where i'll go if i die. that's the part that terrifies me, because i believe in heaven and purgatory and hell and everything in between. I want to go to heaven but once i die in my muscle machine, My soul will be trapped and have no way of escaping whatever punishment or process i must go through. I don't specifically know why i want to die, i just do. It's like my mind is so full of reasons why i want to die, it can't focus on one and therefore it feels i want to die for no reason. Idk what this vent is about. I just want to be heard.

Chara don't know how to interpret this, your relationship sounds good, or at least Chara hope it is? Do you have worry because it's good? Can understand that for sure, especially if you have previous trauma. You are valid and even if Chara don't quite understand, you are definitely heard. Chara wish you the best.