Nothing is worst when you plan CTB meticulously and it ALL failed

[HubbaHubba]

NOTE: I am venting... so feel free to ignore this if you don't want to see a wall of text

I promised myself that when I CTB, I will do the following:

• Make preparation so that when I am gone, things are taken care of. E.g. my assets go to my loved one, my pets are taken care of, etc.
• Look for something that is peaceful with 99.999% result. E.g. N. Minimize the chance I will fail, which WILL make things FAR WORSE.
• Will not traumatize others. E.g. no shooting my head off since it's bloody, no jumping in front of the train since it'll traumatized the train operator, etc.

I spent a LONG time working on all of the above. You can see a sample of these here. Now I got my affair in order, I begin my CTB plan and now everything crumbles:

1. Tried to order N from D early April. D wants BTC and took me sometime to figure out BTC. When I am ready, D is OUT OF STOCK for months.No other alternatives

2. So I switched to VAD. Checked out Pegasos for VAD and they will NOT take folks who are depressed and under 50. I can also lose 1,500 euros because you have to FIRST pay Pegasos 5,000 euros for "review" and bring a witness. The witness is available from Exit International but you have to be 50+ to be a member.

3. Looked for SN and found a vendor. Placed the order and FedEx said it's delivered, but couldn't find the package. Spent almost 1 hour with my building manager looking for the package in the entire property and it's not there. FedEx driver seems to lied (e.g. said delivered but it's not - seems to happen often) and the vendor will not refund the money.

3 times things are failing and I am at lost. My mind just going crazy.

I am sitting down now... drinking a glass of Jack Daniels. Only thing I can think of - suicide by cops.

I have firearms and Level III body armor with metal plating. I can fill my mags with blanks, go somewhere and withdraw the firearms. Cops come and I will "shoot them", but nothing will happen to the cops because I am shooting blanks. Cops will have to shoot me in the head because body armor.

..... but I stopped. If I do this, I will go against my promise - not to traumatize other.

But hell... all my plan crumbles.... hard to think straight.

Fuck....

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm not real sure if you actually want anyone responding to your post, so if you don't, sorry for that. But, I'll keep mine brief. Yes, SBC is a method. It's a violent one, no doubt. Mostly effective, I think, from what I've seen. It may traumatize some to some degree. Others have done it with no body armor and been successful. Don't some cops shoot for the head, anyway, especially if you're looking like some "crazy" person, running out at them, firing indiscriminately at them? I don't know. I'm not one who really believes in fate, so no comment in that regard to your items 1, 2, and 3 in your post. Maybe, try 3 again?

 

[Cathy Ames]

Looked for SN and found a vendor. Placed the order and FedEx said it's delivered, but couldn't find the package. Spent almost 1 hour with my building manager looking for the package in the entire property and it's not there. FedEx driver seems to lied (e.g. said delivered but it's not - seems to happen often) and the vendor will not refund the money.

I'm so sorry that you have been having such a difficult time.

How long ago was it supposedly delivered? It is not uncommon for Fedex to say something was delivered and then have it show up a day or two later. Also, you can call them (Fedex) and tell them you did not get it. Possibly they will be able to track down the location where the delivery scan was done (if it was done) when the package was delivered to the incorrect location. The USPS can do this, perhaps Fedex can, too. I guess I am also not understanding why you cannot simply reorder it? It sure seems to me as though that would be hella better than SBC.

 

[Doombox]

I'm so sorry that you have been having such a difficult time.

How long ago was it supposedly delivered? It is not uncommon for Fedex to say something was delivered and then have it show up a day or two later. Also, you can call them (Fedex) and tell them you did not get it. Possibly they will be able to track down the location where the delivery scan was done (if it was done) when the package was delivered to the incorrect location. The USPS can do this, perhaps Fedex can, too. I guess I am also not understanding why you cannot simply reorder it? It sure seems to me as though that would be hella better than SBC.

Fedex will keep the package on the truck, mark it as delivered, and then drive it around for another day or two and then deliver it. I once saw the truck out front and I KNEW he had my package but instead he drove it back to the distribution center. I've seen them drive stuff all over the state. It's baffling.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Fedex will keep the package on the truck, mark it as delivered, and then drive it around for another day or two and then deliver it. I once saw the truck out front and I KNEW he had my package but instead he drove it back to the distribution center. I've seen them drive stuff all over the state. It's baffling.

Right? It's crazy! I once had the same thing happen (they parked in front of my house and then drove off without delivering it), and then I had to drive across town to pick it up myself. But it seems like every day or so there is someone in my neighborhood FB group looking for a package that Fedex supposedly delivered that they can't find. Then they post again one or two days later that their package has arrived.

 

[BigG91]

NOTE: I am venting... so feel free to ignore this if you don't want to see a wall of text

I promised myself that when I CTB, I will do the following:

• Make preparation so that when I am gone, things are taken care of. E.g. my assets go to my loved one, my pets are taken care of, etc.
• Look for something that is peaceful with 99.999% result. E.g. N. Minimize the chance I will fail, which WILL make things FAR WORSE.
• Will not traumatize others. E.g. no shooting my head off since it's bloody, no jumping in front of the train since it'll traumatized the train operator, etc.

I spent a LONG time working on all of the above. You can see a sample of these here. Now I got my affair in order, I begin my CTB plan and now everything crumbles:

1. Tried to order N from D early April. D wants BTC and took me sometime to figure out BTC. When I am ready, D is OUT OF STOCK for months.No other alternatives

2. So I switched to VAD. Checked out Pegasos for VAD and they will NOT take folks who are depressed and under 50. I can also lose 1,500 euros because you have to FIRST pay Pegasos 5,000 euros for "review" and bring a witness. The witness is available from Exit International but you have to be 50+ to be a member.

3. Looked for SN and found a vendor. Placed the order and FedEx said it's delivered, but couldn't find the package. Spent almost 1 hour with my building manager looking for the package in the entire property and it's not there. FedEx driver seems to lied (e.g. said delivered but it's not - seems to happen often) and the vendor will not refund the money.

3 times things are failing and I am at lost. My mind just going crazy.

I am sitting down now... drinking a glass of Jack Daniels. Only thing I can think of - suicide by cops.

I have firearms and Level III body armor with metal plating. I can fill my mags with blanks, go somewhere and withdraw the firearms. Cops come and I will "shoot them", but nothing will happen to the cops because I am shooting blanks. Cops will have to shoot me in the head because body armor.

..... but I stopped. If I do this, I will go against my promise - not to traumatize other.

But hell... all my plan crumbles.... hard to think straight.

Fuck....

Why don't you order SN again ?

 

[outrider567]

NOTE: I am venting... so feel free to ignore this if you don't want to see a wall of text

I promised myself that when I CTB, I will do the following:

• Make preparation so that when I am gone, things are taken care of. E.g. my assets go to my loved one, my pets are taken care of, etc.
• Look for something that is peaceful with 99.999% result. E.g. N. Minimize the chance I will fail, which WILL make things FAR WORSE.
• Will not traumatize others. E.g. no shooting my head off since it's bloody, no jumping in front of the train since it'll traumatized the train operator, etc.

I spent a LONG time working on all of the above. You can see a sample of these here. Now I got my affair in order, I begin my CTB plan and now everything crumbles:

1. Tried to order N from D early April. D wants BTC and took me sometime to figure out BTC. When I am ready, D is OUT OF STOCK for months.No other alternatives

2. So I switched to VAD. Checked out Pegasos for VAD and they will NOT take folks who are depressed and under 50. I can also lose 1,500 euros because you have to FIRST pay Pegasos 5,000 euros for "review" and bring a witness. The witness is available from Exit International but you have to be 50+ to be a member.

3. Looked for SN and found a vendor. Placed the order and FedEx said it's delivered, but couldn't find the package. Spent almost 1 hour with my building manager looking for the package in the entire property and it's not there. FedEx driver seems to lied (e.g. said delivered but it's not - seems to happen often) and the vendor will not refund the money.

3 times things are failing and I am at lost. My mind just going crazy.

I am sitting down now... drinking a glass of Jack Daniels. Only thing I can think of - suicide by cops.

I have firearms and Level III body armor with metal plating. I can fill my mags with blanks, go somewhere and withdraw the firearms. Cops come and I will "shoot them", but nothing will happen to the cops because I am shooting blanks. Cops will have to shoot me in the head because body armor.

..... but I stopped. If I do this, I will go against my promise - not to traumatize other.

But hell... all my plan crumbles.... hard to think straight.

Fuck....

Lots of bad luck for you--SBC is quite risky--They usually go for the body, and when they do go for the head, it still may not be fatal and you could wind up with brain damage--Nitrogen/regulator/flowmeter/plastic bag is also an idea but it cost me about $600 for all the stuff

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so stressful what you have been through, it really is so difficult to ctb. If only there was a way to fall asleep and never wake without having to go through the process of ctb. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you and I know that this life can be unbearable when you are desperate to leave. I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens.

 

[HubbaHubba]

To all that asked why I didn't re-order SN:

Yes, I am re-rodering, but I am being very cautious.

From this forum, someone got their order cancelled with no reason and probably due to the media coverage of the use of SN for CTB. So I don't want to just re-order shortly after the package was marked as "delivered" (but actually lost) to avoid raising any suspicion. The last thing I want is to have this vendor cancel ANY future order.

I cannot edit my original post, but the reason I wrote it as it is is because I was and am mentally exhausted. Months of planning and multiple failures in successive takes a toll on a person, especially for one like me who is severely depressed to the point of going to CTB. Hence the thought of SBC... I know my local PD mostly uses M24 (7.62x51mm), which is quite effective for long range engagement to immediately stop someone fully armed with body armor shooting indiscriminately (with blank cartridge of course).

Ah.. I should stop thinking about this. Bad, HubbaHubba, bad!

I lived my life to the best I could and I believe I have not done anything that harm others. I wrote my plan (see other post) because even though I am depressed and will CTB, it is on me and not anyone's fault. But I must have done something bad that I didn't know about to have such bad luck. I am not religious, but I am probably being "punished" by the greater power to live my life in constant pain.

End of rant...

 

[its-about-time]

I watched a video the other day of a guy doing SBC. I'll just say… it's really rough. I'll leave the rest of my opinions out I guess. I'm sorry things suck.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I lived my life to the best I could and I believe I have not done anything that harm others. I wrote my plan (see other post) because even though I am depressed and will CTB, it is on me and not anyone's fault. But I must have done something bad that I didn't know about to have such bad luck. I am not religious, but I am probably being "punished" by the greater power to live my life in constant pain.

End of rant...

Dude, that is one of the most mild rants I have ever heard in my entire life. I really think you should have another go at it. Throw some curse words in there or something. <kidding> And I totally get where you're coming from with regard to having a seemingly never-ending series of things going wrong. That's my life over the last year or so in a nutshell. But if you have informed the company that you did not receive the package (which it sounded like you had?), then they will KNOW why you are reordering? I still think the package might show up or that stupid Fedex could maybe manage to track it down if you call to complain. It's a big pain, yes. You'll be on hold for a while, and you'll probably have to deal with one of those maddening audio response systems that make a person want to scream and throw things (if that person is me). I am really sorry that this is happening.

P.S. It also sounded to me like that other person might have had a red flag show up, for example a social media presence that showed they were a young person or a different billing address from delivery address for a credit card.

 

[HubbaHubba]

Dude, that is one of the most mild rants I have ever heard in my entire life. I really think you should have another go at it. Throw some curse words in there or something. <kidding>

Ha! Thanks for the kind words.

Now that I am CTB-ing, I am a more... in peace (for a lack of better word) and don't get mad easily. Hence my mild rant.

Probably because for the first time in years, I know what I want to do (e.g. CTB) and I know what will be the end result (e.g. death).

PS: the package is gone. FedEx just said it's delivered. So I emailed the seller and explained the situation. Seller was kind enough to re-send another order free of charge, but they can only do FedEx because it's a hazmat package. This time - I got the tracking number and submitted a "hold" in FedEx office. I'll go pick it up... assuming the FedEx driver won't fuck up again.

 

[wljourney]

Oh what a nightmare Hubba! I'm so sorry that everything seems to be going wrong.
Vent away, please. We are here for you and yes, many of us can relate.

When my SN arrived the card board envelope got stuck in my mailbox. On a piece of metal and I can't tell you how much effort it took to pry that stupid thing out without just breaking down in a heap of tears.

I could TOUCH it, but not HAVE it!!

It worked out in the end, but…

 

[Cathy Ames]

PS: the package is gone. FedEx just said it's delivered. So I emailed the seller and explained the situation. Seller was kind enough to re-send another order free of charge, but they can only do FedEx because it's a hazmat package. This time - I got the tracking number and submitted a "hold" in FedEx office. I'll go pick it up... assuming the FedEx driver won't fuck up again.

Whoa! I'm glad to hear that there is some good(ish) news for you. Good idea to go pick it up.