dreamingofsh
Member
- Apr 20, 2023
- 14
So this is my first post on SaSu. I've been a lurker for a while and tried multiple methods (night night being the first, but of course that didn't work.) I've settled on partial as I can't get my hands on a gun, no places to jump, and Its difficult for me to get my hands on drugs to OD. Last night, I attempted. I put my head around the rope and pretty much let go. I was listening to music so I closed my eyes and tried to focus on that. I have had a few partial attempts previously and the same things happened - I heard my heartbeat really loud, the music started to fade away and I could feel my consciousness slipping. At this point I just started imaging a better world, one that I might go to when I eventually CTB. My eyes were closed and I was close to passing out, but suddenly a flash of light around the borders of my eyes appeared and I heard a startling noise (sort of like a really loud heartbeat?) This caused my SI to take over and I got up. This was the first time it happened, but I thought next time I'll be prepared for it. I decided to go to sleep as I was really shaken up about it - after all, I almost CTB! This morning, the fateful day of 4/20, I asked my friends if they wanted to smoke with me. I've never smoked before and my thought process was that I could take a little bit of weed back with me and smoke it before my next CTB attempt, to calm the nerves/SI. Unfortunately plans fell through and I was feeling down. I got home (I live with my parents) and decided to look around if they had any drinks lying around. Low and behold, I found a bottle of brandy. I've only ever drunk once before and it was a very small amount, so this would no doubt help my CTB attempt. I am now sitting in my chair writing this, the plan is to wait till the dead of the night for my mom to be asleep and start to drink. Once I feel ready, I'll try another attempt. Hopefully it will be my last, wish me luck.
