Whatever emotional problem I have faced in life, there has literally never ever been a solution. Fucking none. Tried therapy for 2 years, tried medication for 3, even though both my therapist and psychiatrist said that I am not mentally ill. And I agree, I don't think I am mentally ill because I don't see myself fitting in any description.
They said that they saw progress in me, they said that they think they helped, but I always thought that it was just the work of time and going through pain over and over again.
For years, since the beginning of my... downfall(?), I have been looking for answers.
Hundreds of google searches, desperately, with my heart aching, trying to find solutions to the pains that my weak mind subjected me to, but never coming to any conclusion, never having my searing heart cool down a little has made me realize that, at least for me, there is no way out, except to wait it out and go through.
And I fucking abhor this so much. I hate how there is no magical medicine, no magical ritual, no amount of words that helps me stop hurting so much.
Constantly, I have to go through it, like I am slowly walking through a dense bunch of razor wire, squished, no room to breathe, only to stop for a while and face it again.
But I must also correct myself that my life has absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that would even faze the average human being. Rather, it's my body that's covered in razor wire, in reference to my analogy.
This is so hard. Too hard. And I don't even get the fruits of pain or whatever, nothing to make me want to keep pushing.
I'm really fucking tired.
I wanted to cry today, so I set up the medium for it. I brought some tissues beforehand and listened to a song that I wanted to cry to for a while.
And I did. I'm not sure if i remember the last time I have cried.
I realized that I sound like I'm laughing when weep, I did not know this before.
I have always wanted to die, but if I have to live so that I don't put my parents through intense pain, then at least I don't want to feel so deeply anymore.
I never wanted it.
I tried to avoid it.
Nothing works.
Except time.
Time alleviates the pain.
I hate how there is no better way.
I am so tired of being myself.
They said that they saw progress in me, they said that they think they helped, but I always thought that it was just the work of time and going through pain over and over again.
For years, since the beginning of my... downfall(?), I have been looking for answers.
Hundreds of google searches, desperately, with my heart aching, trying to find solutions to the pains that my weak mind subjected me to, but never coming to any conclusion, never having my searing heart cool down a little has made me realize that, at least for me, there is no way out, except to wait it out and go through.
And I fucking abhor this so much. I hate how there is no magical medicine, no magical ritual, no amount of words that helps me stop hurting so much.
Constantly, I have to go through it, like I am slowly walking through a dense bunch of razor wire, squished, no room to breathe, only to stop for a while and face it again.
But I must also correct myself that my life has absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that would even faze the average human being. Rather, it's my body that's covered in razor wire, in reference to my analogy.
This is so hard. Too hard. And I don't even get the fruits of pain or whatever, nothing to make me want to keep pushing.
I'm really fucking tired.
I wanted to cry today, so I set up the medium for it. I brought some tissues beforehand and listened to a song that I wanted to cry to for a while.
And I did. I'm not sure if i remember the last time I have cried.
I realized that I sound like I'm laughing when weep, I did not know this before.
I have always wanted to die, but if I have to live so that I don't put my parents through intense pain, then at least I don't want to feel so deeply anymore.
I never wanted it.
I tried to avoid it.
Nothing works.
Except time.
Time alleviates the pain.
I hate how there is no better way.
I am so tired of being myself.
