Have this email ready for schedule-send just before I do it. I almost want to send it early to see his reaction but I don't want to get admitted. (Kind and constructive) feedback welcome though some of it may be gibberish without context.
Hi.
By now, I hope I'm gone and you already know. I schedule-sent this for 2 days later so it's possible somebody intervened or I chickened out and admitted myself or god forbid I survived the jump. ([Specific Bridge] this time if you haven't figured it out, had to squeeze it in before those barriers go up next year.) You probably know better than I do. I left a note in my apartment for my friends and family but I thought you deserved your own personal one. And I don't want [my dog] to go more than 2 days alone, so please send him help if nobody's noticed.
You, [name], were the best and worst parts of the last two years, maybe my whole life. Rationally I know you did A LOT for me during some of the hard times, more than basically anyone ever in my life. Emotionally I'm honestly too angry at you to acknowledge any of that in more depth, and I'm sorry. If I weren't such a horrible person, maybe I could. But I don't have it in me anymore.
I told you already that you (and [ex friend/situationship person]), my two closest friends cutting me out of your lives, were the reason I overdosed on Benadryl last October.
I didn't tell you that I told you not to come to my funeral in the note I wrote last December when I chickened out of a lethal overdose.
And I haven't told you yet that you're again the thing that triggered me into this most recent suicidal wave, after I realized how hurt I still am by all of this when you and [the group house I used to live in] all moved to [the town over], and when you said I still couldn't come over and see my friends who can't drive out to see me even when you weren't there, and when you hosted [professional event that I really wanted to go to] in September and I realized I just didn't have it in me to go and see you again, and that neither you nor anybody else missed me when I didn't show up.
A lot of people have walked out of my life since this all started. [name], [name], [name], basically the whole [group house], we've talked about this already, you already know. But I never believed in them the way I believed in you. They never told me they would never stop being friends with me while driving back from a failed trip to [place we meant to day trip to two years ago but the trip got interrupted by me admitting I was suicidal again in the very first days of this depressive episode, before I knew for sure that I wanted to die]. They never held me and whispered "I'm not going anywhere" as I cried over and over again about how alone I was. I was never fully convinced they cared. You convinced me. That's why it hurt so bad when you left.
I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. I don't care for people as deeply as you do. I don't have it in me. I don't know how draining and painful it must have been for you, it's beyond my imagination. But losing you, all of you, not even having the small talk or your Facebook feed, is the hardest thing I've been through in my life, and I don't think that should surprise you. I've told you how much this hurts. I have so many questions I could never get answered after you blocked me everywhere. I guess at one point you must have decided that your sanity was worth more than my life, which is fair, I think so too. Either that or you didn't think I had the guts to go through with it, which is also fair, given my history. And this whole year I've wanted nothing more than to prove you wrong on that latter piece. I'm embarrassed at how I just became the girl who cried wolf. The girl who must have been doing it for attention. The girl who that's-just-how-she-is. I don't want that anymore. It's a horrible existence, really. For a lot of reasons, but this is definitely one of them.
Maybe I'm a bad person for writing this note and all the things I've done to you over the past two years. If I could start over and stop you from ever having met me I might, maybe we'd both be better off. I'm sorry I can't. If I were a good person I would tell you I hope you forget about this and move on. I don't have it in me to say that right now. You once told me that me dying would be the worst thing that ever happened to you, and if I can be completely honest, some part of me hopes that it is. Some part of me hopes that you never get over this guilt. Because I never got over you abandoning me til I took my last breath.
So here I go, breaking my promise to you to never hurt myself, because you broke your promise to never leave my side. Fair is fair.
Hi.
By now, I hope I'm gone and you already know. I schedule-sent this for 2 days later so it's possible somebody intervened or I chickened out and admitted myself or god forbid I survived the jump. ([Specific Bridge] this time if you haven't figured it out, had to squeeze it in before those barriers go up next year.) You probably know better than I do. I left a note in my apartment for my friends and family but I thought you deserved your own personal one. And I don't want [my dog] to go more than 2 days alone, so please send him help if nobody's noticed.
You, [name], were the best and worst parts of the last two years, maybe my whole life. Rationally I know you did A LOT for me during some of the hard times, more than basically anyone ever in my life. Emotionally I'm honestly too angry at you to acknowledge any of that in more depth, and I'm sorry. If I weren't such a horrible person, maybe I could. But I don't have it in me anymore.
I told you already that you (and [ex friend/situationship person]), my two closest friends cutting me out of your lives, were the reason I overdosed on Benadryl last October.
I didn't tell you that I told you not to come to my funeral in the note I wrote last December when I chickened out of a lethal overdose.
And I haven't told you yet that you're again the thing that triggered me into this most recent suicidal wave, after I realized how hurt I still am by all of this when you and [the group house I used to live in] all moved to [the town over], and when you said I still couldn't come over and see my friends who can't drive out to see me even when you weren't there, and when you hosted [professional event that I really wanted to go to] in September and I realized I just didn't have it in me to go and see you again, and that neither you nor anybody else missed me when I didn't show up.
A lot of people have walked out of my life since this all started. [name], [name], [name], basically the whole [group house], we've talked about this already, you already know. But I never believed in them the way I believed in you. They never told me they would never stop being friends with me while driving back from a failed trip to [place we meant to day trip to two years ago but the trip got interrupted by me admitting I was suicidal again in the very first days of this depressive episode, before I knew for sure that I wanted to die]. They never held me and whispered "I'm not going anywhere" as I cried over and over again about how alone I was. I was never fully convinced they cared. You convinced me. That's why it hurt so bad when you left.
I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. I don't care for people as deeply as you do. I don't have it in me. I don't know how draining and painful it must have been for you, it's beyond my imagination. But losing you, all of you, not even having the small talk or your Facebook feed, is the hardest thing I've been through in my life, and I don't think that should surprise you. I've told you how much this hurts. I have so many questions I could never get answered after you blocked me everywhere. I guess at one point you must have decided that your sanity was worth more than my life, which is fair, I think so too. Either that or you didn't think I had the guts to go through with it, which is also fair, given my history. And this whole year I've wanted nothing more than to prove you wrong on that latter piece. I'm embarrassed at how I just became the girl who cried wolf. The girl who must have been doing it for attention. The girl who that's-just-how-she-is. I don't want that anymore. It's a horrible existence, really. For a lot of reasons, but this is definitely one of them.
Maybe I'm a bad person for writing this note and all the things I've done to you over the past two years. If I could start over and stop you from ever having met me I might, maybe we'd both be better off. I'm sorry I can't. If I were a good person I would tell you I hope you forget about this and move on. I don't have it in me to say that right now. You once told me that me dying would be the worst thing that ever happened to you, and if I can be completely honest, some part of me hopes that it is. Some part of me hopes that you never get over this guilt. Because I never got over you abandoning me til I took my last breath.
So here I go, breaking my promise to you to never hurt myself, because you broke your promise to never leave my side. Fair is fair.
