exiled
i gave so many signs
- Jun 17, 2023
- 296
I (27F) and my coworker + friend (24F) work at a bank. Two years ago, we quickly became close friends due to common interests. We started hanging out frequently outside of work and got to the level of closeness that we've even exchanged spare keys to our apartments. I will refer to her as Kelsey.
Kelsey suffers from a few different mental health issues, such as severe OCD and believes she is (undiagnosed) on the autism spectrum. Because of this, it can be really hard to work with her, and our other coworkers seem to not have much patience for her compulsions. She's also highly sensitive/quite insecure so I have made sure to "take care" of her as a friend. I've always got her back, always making sure she feels included and not ganged up on, and I always end up being the one to help her through her compulsions instead of quite literally yelling at her like everyone else. And, when our coworkers make jokes about me, Kelsey always takes my side too. We've been friends, it makes sense.
Kelsey has mentioned to me how all of her past friendships have died because there was unnecessary competition and cattiness. Like, who got the better grade, who can finish some online quiz faster, who knows more about their favorite band, etc. I've disliked that kind of thing too, so I've always tried to be inclusive of her with work things, etc. But SHE'S the one who ends up making everything a competition. We have an End of Day Guide that we have to check off every night. It's a list of responsibilities and she always RUNS to it and initials everything, never allowing me the chance. It doesn't even count for anything so I don't actually care, but I just think it's ironic that she's the one doing that when she's previously made a big deal about not liking that kind of environment.
About a year ago, we got a new coworker who doesn't speak english very well. She is from Peru and I will refer to her as Clara (49F). She has always needed a little help/assistance because our clients are very intolerant of any type of accent and get upset with her when they can't understand. I was on leave of absence when Clara first joined due to a cancer diagnosis, so Kelsey was the one who really took her under her wing. Once I returned from my leave, it felt like Kelsey and Clara had this deep friendship that I just wasn't really a part of, and it's almost like Kelsey "claimed" Clara. Clara and I get along just fine though, she's like a mother to me and I'd even say a not-as-close friend.
Last week, Clara's husband was rushed to the hospital all of a sudden. It was very scary and Kelsey immediately started acting extremely concerned and reached out to her. I reached out to Clara too, asking her if I could bring her something to eat at the hospital. Clara refused - she is very stubborn and said she was not going to eat until she made sure her husband was okay. I pushed it one more time, and she said she really isn't hungry, so I left it at that. I said "let me know if you need anything" and she was very grateful that I was willing.
The next day, I told Kelsey (I for some reason felt guilty that I messaged Clara without including Kelsey, because she's "her friend" first; that isn't her fault necessarily but I've come to feel that way based on how she's acted). Kelsey told me that Clara is super stubborn and offering to help her might not go over well. She said Clara's "culture" is very opposite to ours. That Clara was too afraid to text me when I was in the hospital because she believes in not bothering people. Kelsey told me that Clara will "tweak out" if you offer to help, so it would be best to just give it space. So, I told Kelsey that I would refrain from reaching out for the next day or so per her advice and asked her if she wanted to maybe try and reach out together in a few days. Clara agreed, and said we should give it space and try again later.
That same evening, I got a text from Clara in a group chat with Kelsey. She said "thank you so much for the money, girls, I really appreciate you!" I was confused, since I did not give her anything. Apparently, Kelsey sent Clara a Venmo after suggesting to me to hold off. I then messaged
Kelsey saying:
"Hey! I wish you told me you were going to send her money tonight. You know I wanted to pitch in!"
She responded and said, "well, I just didn't want her to tweak out but it wasn't intentional. Don't worry you don't need to pitch in."
It made me feel really left out and excluded and I am someone who never speaks my feelings. I always hold it in and let it fester, but I felt that that would be unfair. I would build up resentment for Kelsey if I didn't tell her how I feel, so out of love, I sent her this message:
"Hey K, I know you said it wasn't intentional but I am hurt by what happened today re: Clara. I understood from our convo earlier that it would be better to give her space/respect her culture. When I saw later that you had given her money, I was confused and I was upset because this was the opposite of what we spoke about. It was my intention to chip in, which is why I brought it up in the first place.
I know you said you planned on doing something for her anyway and that our convo just reminded you, but this is something you could have mentioned to me as you know I wanted to participate in helping. I know your intention was not to disrespect me, but next time I would appreciate if we could be more transparent and open with each other."
All she did was send a "thumbs up" reaction. Didn't say a thing. I figured no one likes to be called out, but I didn't say anything rudely (at least in my opinion, please tell me if my message came across as TA). I knew the next morning at work would be incredibly awkward, but I thought giving her some space would be best.
The entire next day at work, she treated me like I murdered a loved one. She would not look at my direction, would not talk to me, and created this very hot tension in the environment. We only have four other coworkers in total, so everyone could sense something was off. I tried to talk friendly with her, but noticed right away she wasn't going to have it. So, I silently did my work and left at 5. On my way out, I tried calling her on the phone to see if she wanted to meet by the Starbucks near our work. She didn't answer, and then later texted me saying she already was home. Then, I asked her if we could do a phone call because I really just wanted to clear the air and awkwardness. I felt like I was chasing her to forgive me for something. She replied to me saying she "is too tired and is not up for talking."
Then, yesterday… I walked into work and Clara was back too. Kelsey was all over Clara, and would block me off from getting involved in any convo. Our branch is getting a remodel so our manager said one of us has to stay in back packing up boxes and running up and down to the basement to store them all day. Kelsey quickly vouched for her and Clara to not have to do that, which only left me. So, I spent the whole day in the back alone as she continued to ignore me and make things weird.
I've left it alone, but today, I am back at work and she won't talk to me. Coworkers are starting to pick up on it and keep asking me if Kelsey and I are okay/why we are silent. I don't even know what to say. I am second hand embarrassed. It makes me really sad. I DO NOT need her to be friendly anymore, honestly, I don't care. But this is immature behavior at work and very unprofessional. We utter like four words to each other per day now and that's ONLY if it is extremely relevant to work. It is impacting the rest of our team because they don't know what's going on and feel like they have to walk on eggshells because "Kelsey and I are fighting."
How do I navigate this situation? My boss isn't approachable with this kind of thing and escalating it further would just make her upset. I've tried a bunch of times now. Is it my responsibility to get us to talk again or am I well within my rights to give the cold shoulder back? It's just awkward, and I hate it.
UPDATE: I went to lunch and brought back her favorite smoothie. She smiled at me and talked for a few minutes casually, but went back to keeping quiet. I've officially tried enough.
Kelsey suffers from a few different mental health issues, such as severe OCD and believes she is (undiagnosed) on the autism spectrum. Because of this, it can be really hard to work with her, and our other coworkers seem to not have much patience for her compulsions. She's also highly sensitive/quite insecure so I have made sure to "take care" of her as a friend. I've always got her back, always making sure she feels included and not ganged up on, and I always end up being the one to help her through her compulsions instead of quite literally yelling at her like everyone else. And, when our coworkers make jokes about me, Kelsey always takes my side too. We've been friends, it makes sense.
Kelsey has mentioned to me how all of her past friendships have died because there was unnecessary competition and cattiness. Like, who got the better grade, who can finish some online quiz faster, who knows more about their favorite band, etc. I've disliked that kind of thing too, so I've always tried to be inclusive of her with work things, etc. But SHE'S the one who ends up making everything a competition. We have an End of Day Guide that we have to check off every night. It's a list of responsibilities and she always RUNS to it and initials everything, never allowing me the chance. It doesn't even count for anything so I don't actually care, but I just think it's ironic that she's the one doing that when she's previously made a big deal about not liking that kind of environment.
About a year ago, we got a new coworker who doesn't speak english very well. She is from Peru and I will refer to her as Clara (49F). She has always needed a little help/assistance because our clients are very intolerant of any type of accent and get upset with her when they can't understand. I was on leave of absence when Clara first joined due to a cancer diagnosis, so Kelsey was the one who really took her under her wing. Once I returned from my leave, it felt like Kelsey and Clara had this deep friendship that I just wasn't really a part of, and it's almost like Kelsey "claimed" Clara. Clara and I get along just fine though, she's like a mother to me and I'd even say a not-as-close friend.
Last week, Clara's husband was rushed to the hospital all of a sudden. It was very scary and Kelsey immediately started acting extremely concerned and reached out to her. I reached out to Clara too, asking her if I could bring her something to eat at the hospital. Clara refused - she is very stubborn and said she was not going to eat until she made sure her husband was okay. I pushed it one more time, and she said she really isn't hungry, so I left it at that. I said "let me know if you need anything" and she was very grateful that I was willing.
The next day, I told Kelsey (I for some reason felt guilty that I messaged Clara without including Kelsey, because she's "her friend" first; that isn't her fault necessarily but I've come to feel that way based on how she's acted). Kelsey told me that Clara is super stubborn and offering to help her might not go over well. She said Clara's "culture" is very opposite to ours. That Clara was too afraid to text me when I was in the hospital because she believes in not bothering people. Kelsey told me that Clara will "tweak out" if you offer to help, so it would be best to just give it space. So, I told Kelsey that I would refrain from reaching out for the next day or so per her advice and asked her if she wanted to maybe try and reach out together in a few days. Clara agreed, and said we should give it space and try again later.
That same evening, I got a text from Clara in a group chat with Kelsey. She said "thank you so much for the money, girls, I really appreciate you!" I was confused, since I did not give her anything. Apparently, Kelsey sent Clara a Venmo after suggesting to me to hold off. I then messaged
Kelsey saying:
"Hey! I wish you told me you were going to send her money tonight. You know I wanted to pitch in!"
She responded and said, "well, I just didn't want her to tweak out but it wasn't intentional. Don't worry you don't need to pitch in."
It made me feel really left out and excluded and I am someone who never speaks my feelings. I always hold it in and let it fester, but I felt that that would be unfair. I would build up resentment for Kelsey if I didn't tell her how I feel, so out of love, I sent her this message:
"Hey K, I know you said it wasn't intentional but I am hurt by what happened today re: Clara. I understood from our convo earlier that it would be better to give her space/respect her culture. When I saw later that you had given her money, I was confused and I was upset because this was the opposite of what we spoke about. It was my intention to chip in, which is why I brought it up in the first place.
I know you said you planned on doing something for her anyway and that our convo just reminded you, but this is something you could have mentioned to me as you know I wanted to participate in helping. I know your intention was not to disrespect me, but next time I would appreciate if we could be more transparent and open with each other."
All she did was send a "thumbs up" reaction. Didn't say a thing. I figured no one likes to be called out, but I didn't say anything rudely (at least in my opinion, please tell me if my message came across as TA). I knew the next morning at work would be incredibly awkward, but I thought giving her some space would be best.
The entire next day at work, she treated me like I murdered a loved one. She would not look at my direction, would not talk to me, and created this very hot tension in the environment. We only have four other coworkers in total, so everyone could sense something was off. I tried to talk friendly with her, but noticed right away she wasn't going to have it. So, I silently did my work and left at 5. On my way out, I tried calling her on the phone to see if she wanted to meet by the Starbucks near our work. She didn't answer, and then later texted me saying she already was home. Then, I asked her if we could do a phone call because I really just wanted to clear the air and awkwardness. I felt like I was chasing her to forgive me for something. She replied to me saying she "is too tired and is not up for talking."
Then, yesterday… I walked into work and Clara was back too. Kelsey was all over Clara, and would block me off from getting involved in any convo. Our branch is getting a remodel so our manager said one of us has to stay in back packing up boxes and running up and down to the basement to store them all day. Kelsey quickly vouched for her and Clara to not have to do that, which only left me. So, I spent the whole day in the back alone as she continued to ignore me and make things weird.
I've left it alone, but today, I am back at work and she won't talk to me. Coworkers are starting to pick up on it and keep asking me if Kelsey and I are okay/why we are silent. I don't even know what to say. I am second hand embarrassed. It makes me really sad. I DO NOT need her to be friendly anymore, honestly, I don't care. But this is immature behavior at work and very unprofessional. We utter like four words to each other per day now and that's ONLY if it is extremely relevant to work. It is impacting the rest of our team because they don't know what's going on and feel like they have to walk on eggshells because "Kelsey and I are fighting."
How do I navigate this situation? My boss isn't approachable with this kind of thing and escalating it further would just make her upset. I've tried a bunch of times now. Is it my responsibility to get us to talk again or am I well within my rights to give the cold shoulder back? It's just awkward, and I hate it.
UPDATE: I went to lunch and brought back her favorite smoothie. She smiled at me and talked for a few minutes casually, but went back to keeping quiet. I've officially tried enough.
