Not sure why

[Treeline589]

This may be long, I apologize ahead of time.

I want to CTB so badly. The idea that there is a way out appeals to me. However, apparently not all of me wants to since I am still here. And I find myself doing things like going to my therapist and going to my psych doctor. A few weeks ago my therapist even asked me why I go to therapy if I want to die so bad. ( I don't think he meant this in a bad way or to be an ass- I assume he was trying to get me to see that at least some of me wants me to get better).I guess there must be a small part of me that wants to live. How much longer that part is around I do not know. The problem is that part that wants help keeps getting smaller and smaller. Maybe I am afraid of the unknown that comes with dying. Maybe I am afraid of getting better- who knows.

I'm pretty honest with my therapist about my suicidal thoughts and I've mentioned a forum that I found- not by name, just that I had a place where I felt understood. He was/is worried that I would use it to research methods. And I guess in a way I have used it for that, I guess that is why I haven't brought the site up in recent weeks.

I'm not sure where this rambling is going. Part of me wants to call my therapist and come 100% clean. I know, that might get me sent to a psych ward but maybe part of me wants that.

I just wish I could make up my mind on what I want. This back and forth is exhausting.

 

[Smart No More]

If part of you eants that then maybe it is what you need. If you think that may be the case it's probably best to go with a voluntary check in rather than against your will. That is to say that doing it voluntarily will show a certain amount of reason and self awareness that one would hope would be recognised and respected in whatever follows and hopefully you would have more control over your treatment as a result. Rather than coming entirely clean to a therapist and being assumed unable to make reasoned decisions.

I know what you mean about the tiring back and forth. Part of you just wants to know that whwn the time comes you'll be able to carry it out successfully and it go as planned. Having that hanging over you is really rather looming. If you're having some positive periods though, you do have some chance I reckon. I'd sooner see you take that path than CTB. I just hope you are able to find the suitable help. That's another loomer as reaching out and being entirely open (for someone with mental health problems) is hard enough but then being treated in a way that is massively uncomfortable and potentially ineffective....possible even detrimental....is just the opposite end of the scale of fear and it feels like there's no happy medium. If you have a chance though I think looking at it like, 'well there's nothing to lose as ctb is always and back up plan' is possibly the healthy way to view it if only temporarily until things start looking brighter, should that be the case.

Part of me fears that maybe that's irresponsible advice. I really hope not. It made sense as I wrote it. I think I stand by it but am open to criticism. Some might say that keeping ctb on the back burner is unhealthy is unhealthy as it's still present in some manner but its at least putting it aside partially in attempts to hopefully take it off the boil completely. There has to be a transition right?

FWIW and for complete disclosure, my issues aren't mental health based as I have health issues that fuel my desire to ctb and on that front I'm relating to you. I can't honestly say I know what you feel but I think that once we enter into a real conversation with ourselves about ctb we all enter a place that connects us all in familiarity.

Best wishes to you!

 

[Crazy4u]

Your therapist sounds awesome. I don't recommend checking in voluntary to the hospital, but there might be some outpatient programs available. It is better to come home and sleep in your bed.

FYI - many people on SS won't ctb because the forum is good for coping with suicidal thoughts. Some people recovered but decided to stay because they like the forum. No one is considered imposter for not proceeding with ctb!

I wish you the best

 

[ColorlessTrees]

I definitely understand where you're coming from; this is a common complication. Suicide is permanent, and some people do want to forsee a better future. I think it's worth exploring.

Regarding psychiatric wards, if you want to voluntarily admit yourself, I recommend researching. Plenty of wards take terrible care of their patients and/or facilities, and I'd hate for that to set you on a worse path. Make sure it's a place you'd be comfortable and safe staying at for at least a week; you can discharge yourself at any time, I assume, if it's involuntary, but it might be difficult with an unfavorable atmosphere. Outpatient, as mentioned above, would be a great option.