Not sure what to do

[Youlky94]

Hi everyone! I'm lurking on this forum for a while now, but never posted because I never know what to say. The reason what bought me here is pretty much that, I'm feeling desperate because my brain doesn't function in social situations, not even on forum. I'm feeling empty and confused as I can't think well. It feels like I'm going stupid. I'm pretty sure it is caused by my depression. I experienced this last summer(~6 months) as well and I recovered from it, I had 3 months with no mental issues at all. Then my boyfriend broke up with me, what was very unexpected for me, I tought we were living in a happy relationship(1 year) with no problems at all. We never fought and we were both on the opinion that we're matching well. It came out he had been cheating on me the whole time with his ex. I was in love and it just shocked me. Since then i'm going down und down again. However I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't really eat, can't sleep well, I'm feel like a retard, don't really do anything a day. I feel like a loser, I have no self-confidence, and I think I'm going crazy. I didn't have a competent conversation for like 2 months now. It is very upsetting because I always considered myself as a smart women, who has her own opinion from different things. Now I'm so lost I just don't know nothing. I can't focus and can't remember. I already searched on google demetia last year because it really feels like that. I know this must be psychic but I don't see a way to came out from this. I think last year wasn't that bad or didn't lasted that long. However I was suicidal back then as well. I already have my SN and meto but dying scares the shit out of me. I don't know if any benzo would help me with this anxiety. However I never tried them. I also think that I don't really want to die, but this is no life. I feel so ashamed. confused. not sure about anything ... and I really hate to suffer.


Thank you for reading and sorry for my bad english.

 

[muffin222]

Hi

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I'm not a doctor, but I don't think you have dementia. Depression and emotional stress can create a "brain fog" that slows us down mentally. I've experienced it myself.

Please don't do anything impulsive if you're not sure. There's absolutely no rush and no need to die if you're not certain. I'm not sure what kind of advice you're seeking, but perhaps instead of trying to find a way out of what you're feeling, you could just focus on taking life one day at a time? Ask yourself, "What can I do today, in this moment, to move myself forward and feel better?" That could be as simple as brushing your teeth or drinking a glass of water or watching a show you like. Or, it could be something bigger like seeing out a counselor or other professional for medication or help.

Either way, if you keep taking these small steps day-by-day, over time you'll slowly find yourself in a different place mentally and emotionally. Everyday is different. Some days you may be able to take big steps, and other days you may feel so bad you can only take a few tiny steps.
But, every step moves you forward in a more positive direction towards new beginnings. You may not know what those new beginnings hold yet, but if you keep taking those day-to-day steps, big or small, you are sure to reach them. It's guaranteed that life is constantly changing and there are always new possibilities on the horizon just outside of our view.

I hope that helps

 

[NonDefaultOption]

Depression is a sign that you need to rest and recover, especially psychologically. Depression beats a lot of people who think they can push through it by "being fighters", but that doesn't usually work. Looking into your emotional pain is a stressor, and you need to be able to handle it with recovery if you want to make progress. Most of psychological recovery happens during sleep at 02:00-:06:00 AM, and it's more effective if you take like at least 20 minutes of quiet time during your waking hours, like just lying on the couch or something, not doing anything at all, not trying to think anything in particular at all. Everyone could use that kinda quiet time consistently in their life, but you especially when you got psychological problems. It's such a basic thing like sleep and food.

Trying to deny or run away from whatever you're feeling or set mental barriers so the feeling wouldn't reach you, will just make the problem last longer, even though it can be good to run from it like that if the time is really wrong to handle those issues. I don't know when's the right time nor what are the indicators for it, but your soul or intuition or whatever you wanna call it, should give you a hint. When you think it's good enough time to handle those issues, just face whatever's on your mind about them, with nonjudgemental acceptance. It's always more useful to look at your own actions and reactions, and to be aware of them when you're looking back on what others did. Before you can find peace with what others did to you or in your life, you need to find peace with the past (and probably present) yourself of those times.
Like muffin said, don't try to bite a too big mouthful in one go. Bite small portions, chew thoroughly, take your time, and eat when appropriate. That's how you should eat food, and that's an accurate metaphor for how you should deal with mental health problems.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I felt utterly stupid for a while, found out I had a severe vitamin D deficiency.

 

[Youlky94]

Thank you guys for your answers
I also don't what kind of help I'm seeking for, I just feel very very desperate, I'm reading your answers over and over again and I just don't know what to react. It makes me feel extremely anxious not being able to communicate.
Probably you're right, I should get over this whole thing step by step. I also know I can't get over depression within 1 day, but as I hate to feel like this, and being like this, my mind is all about to find a way out. Maybe I should just accept the fact that this is going on, and I won't be able to solve this today.
But this communication issue and brain fog freaks me out truly :(. All I want is just to call a friend and have a nice conversation where I'm also actively participate, but all I do is now is asking them what's going on but I cannot speak... it's really like being a retard.

 

[Nem]

The depression can fuck with you brain, it's pretty normal, can't say it's good in the long run but eventually it will get better when the depression lifts
Peace/hugs

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I felt utterly stupid for a while, found out I had a severe vitamin D deficiency.

It could also be thyroid btw.

@Youlky94, I just want to support you accepting this is what's happening now to reduce freak-out. I understand wanting it to be better now! Glad you found support here, hope you find solutions quickly, and that you can manage until you do.

I don't know what your sense of humor is like, but maybe you can laugh about it when it's happening, something like doing a big overblown "DUUUUHHHH" to make it smaller.

 

[taylor321]

Hey! Congrats on ur first post, i understand how it can be hard to reach out so its great that u could make a post like this. I also understand and can relate to not being able to focus and not being confident. Thats basically something ive struggled with my whole life, and i will continue to struggle with it unless some miracle happened and i got a good life and got help, or i die.
I dont want u to suffer but im not sure what i could do to help u. If u ever wanted to talk to me on here or somewhere else im 100% open to that

 

[Youlky94]

The depression can fuck with you brain, it's pretty normal, can't say it's good in the long run but eventually it will get better when the depression lifts
Peace/hugs

I'm sure you're right. I just don't know how to get better, because I think the main reason is I'm dealing with depression is that I'm very lonely. I'm living abroad and have only one friend here. It is very hard or even impossible to make new friendships with this mental issue. Even without it I think it's hard to find in the adulthood.
At home I also don't know a lot, but have some more friends. They helped me a lot last year to get better by making programs in the nature and traveling together, my last summer was just great thanks to them. Now I can't just go home because of the coronavirus, and even without the pandemic I couldn't afford it financially the same as last year.

It could also be thyroid btw.

@Youlky94, I just want to support you accepting this is what's happening now to reduce freak-out. I understand wanting it to be better now! Glad you found support here, hope you find solutions quickly, and that you can manage until you do.

I don't know what your sense of humor is like, but maybe you can laugh about it when it's happening, something like doing a big overblown "DUUUUHHHH" to make it smaller.

I'm also very glad for your support. Well, I'm willing to try everything.

Hey! Congrats on ur first post, i understand how it can be hard to reach out so its great that u could make a post like this. I also understand and can relate to not being able to focus and not being confident. Thats basically something ive struggled with my whole life, and i will continue to struggle with it unless some miracle happened and i got a good life and got help, or i die.
I dont want u to suffer but im not sure what i could do to help u. If u ever wanted to talk to me on here or somewhere else im 100% open to that

Thank you ❤
I think i have to make more posts to being able to chat

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. And since you don't love that guy anymore, I think it's safe to call him a coward and weak. You're probably better off without him. Geez, is it really so hard NOT to cheat.

Anyway, yeah, when I fall into a slump and become that anxious, depressed mess, EVERYTHING is so much harder. I lose my confidence and feel making ANY decision is a goddamn life-or-death situation (Oh jesus, do I want the grilled or crispy chicken?!? Wait a second, I'm miserable as shit and not really hungry so maybe I just won't eat! etc). I feel DEMENTED at times like these. It's so unfair. I feel like only chemical intervention/ medication helps at that point, for me anyway It really can be a difference of night and day.

But anyway, be gentle and take care of yourself.