Venting Not sure what to do anymore

[usernamerequired]

Hi everyone. I've been a lurker for quite some time but I'm at a point in life where I just.. I don't know. Need to scream into this void? Hear from other people? I don't know. I feel so.. alone. I've been dealing with depression and selfharm since I was 12, and with PTSD since I was 14. I'm now 21 and it has never gotten better. My social anxiety is the worst, I can't talk to anyone in real life because I'm just.. too scared.
Last year in November I made a friend online and he would become the best friend I have ever had in my entire life. I trusted him. We had some issues here and there but all in all.. I thought we would be friends forever. But everyone always leaves me so.. today he did too. Saying I'm a selfish person, that I put myself before others. That I took advantage of him caring. That I dumped all my issues on him by venting. But.. he never said no. He always told me it's okay if I do that. If he ever would've said no when I reached out I wouldn't have forced it. I would've accepted that..
I feel terrible now. I have no one. I am all alone.
He was the only reason I didn't want to die anymore.. but now? I just want to do it. But I can't, because I'm too fucking scared. I just want someone to shoot or stab me or something. If only I lived in the USA where it's so easy to get a damn gun.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't do this anymore. I need this suffering to end. I'm too broken to be saved

 

[Alcatraz_anthrax]

I'm terribly sorry. I can't tell you it gets better because, well, let's be honest, it rarely ever does.
But I do wish for your happiness and peace.
We're all here for you.

 

[usernamerequired]

I'm terribly sorry. I can't tell you it gets better because, well, let's be honest, it rarely ever does.
But I do wish for your happiness and peace.
We're all here for you.

Thank you.. I just don't know what to do anymore
I don't know how I will ever be able to trust anyone again. He made everything bearable
And now.. I'm just alone. I wish I had someone who I could ctb with, since I am too scared. I feel so hopeless

 

[logan]

I can imagine how bad you feel.

But an online acquaintance cannot replace a real relationship in the long run.

Maybe you can meet new people in your neighbourhood.
Being alone is hard to bear for most people in the long run - we are social creatures.

 

[overcomingfear]

I don't know how I will ever be able to trust anyone again.

Don't trust haha. People will only let you down thats basically a fact now. Don't put your happiness into someone's hands. Easier said than done but thats what i came to in my life. Gets lonely sometimes but when i remember all the shit from my friends i don't wanna repeat it. Won't work for an extroverted person of course, but most of us here are introverted

 

[hʚll]

i am so sorry that has happened to you and that you are in so much pain.
losing a friend is traumatizing.
i can only hope you find relief and peace as soon as possible.
hug

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much, living can be painful. People can let us down and I understand how hard that must be. I wish you well.

 

[usernamerequired]

But an online acquaintance cannot replace a real relationship in the long run.

I don't know. I honestly have to say.. it was the most honest and sincere friendship I ever had. I don't really need people around me as I am very introvert.. what I had with him was perfect. We had the same interests and everything.. I really miss him so much

losing a friend is traumatizing.

It is indeed.. I have lost many friends before but it has never ever hurt this much before. It is worse than any breakup I have ever been through

 

[overcomingfear]

Are the bridges burned? Does he not want to hear from you anymore? Maybe you'll reconnect after some time. Even if you don't it'll get better with time too

 

[usernamerequired]

Are the bridges burned? Does he not want to hear from you anymore? Maybe you'll reconnect after some time. Even if you don't it'll get better with time too

The bridges aren't burned.. not quite. He contacted me again today to make sure I was alive and we managed to talk a little. We are just both at points in our lives right now where we aren't any good for each other. We are both in bad places and need to get better. He said he might reach out once he gets better and we will see if we can rekindle our friendship once more.
I understand his viewpoint and honestly.. I know he is right. We are both too damaged right now to be any good for each other. But it doesn't change the fact that it still hurt right now, and that I miss him.
After talking to him every single day for so long.. feels like my heart got ripped out. I know, sounds dramatic but.. I just get very attached. Hate that. Oh well