Not sure if I should take this chance to recover.

[stareoffintospace]

I know the answer seems pretty obvious. For me, it's a major decision that could make or break me. I have tried to get back on my feet multiple times only to back out when I lose motivation to keep trying.

Most of my family have always been hard-working people. They're the reason I have a roof over my head and food on the table and I respect them for that.

I had the potential to work hard and make a life for myself (ex. graduating high school, going to college, or even driving a car) but I threw it all away since Covid hit. When I was socially isolated, I slacked off on my studies and found a job. It was tough to balance my school-work life when I prioritized making money in the moment over realizing how my education could lead me to a better paying job/career.

My poor decisions threw me into a spiral and now I'm in my second year as a hikikomori. Furthermore, I have always struggled to thrive in a social environment which is one of the main reasons why I'm still stuck in this state. I don't think I want to recover from this issue mainly because I've been too comfortable living this way (compared to the times I hated going to work and virtual school).

Thinking about recovering makes me not want to recover. I just don't believe in myself enough to show any progress.

I wish I had died when I took those painkillers so I wouldn't have burdened my family with my existence. I always end up like this when I'm given the chance to make decisions like this. I'm such a mess honestly.

 

[tams]

I have had a few similar experiences lately. A few opportunities like that have come my way, i am almost resentful at those opportunities cause they will ruin my plans. I weighed the pros and cons of having a job and the monotony that is associated with that, as opposed to continuing on like I am doing what I wanna do until I ctb. Probably not hard to figure out what I decided to do.

 

[Das Nichts]

Try to accept your decisions, there is noting you can do about past things anymore.
You could always try to take those chances, CTB is not going to run away from you.

 

[Kodokushi]

I understand, been there. It's hard to get out of that lifestyle and it's so easy to fall back in. If you want to give it another chance - you absolutely should, Das Nichts is right, that option won't run away from you. On a personal note I'd suggest not to look up to your hardworker family so much, you are your own person, what's good for them doesn't equal good for you since we're all different, you know? You also don't have to force yourself to interact irl, as long as you can go out, buy food or pay bills, for example, without discomfort or anxiety - you're all good, filling your social needs through the internet is alright

 

[charlotte_]

I understand what you're going through. It does sound like an extremely tough position, but it doesn't mean there is no chance. It's useless dwelling in past mistakes, so you can only change the present. No matter how much you compare yourself to others, you'll not magically become them, so you can just try and observe the changes you have made in your journey. If it doesn't work, you can always CTB. So wouldn't hurt to try would it?

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring what you have to endure and it's very much understandable wishing that you were already free from this cruel world. But anyway I wish you the best.