Not going to CTB

[1043169]

Yeah the title like 'if you're not going to CTB why are you here?'

Mid-30s, female, somewhat nice life. Owe money but who doesn't. Good job. Up for promotion. Advancing career.

Mentally ill but pretty stable? Bipolar but not actively depressed. I don't think.

Why am I here? Well, my thoughts swirl around with the dark thoughts. Stuff I've always been afraid to say out loud to anyone. The kind of stuff that gets you sectioned or investigated by the pigs.

I live with a sibling and parent. Two dogs. I've never dated. Never really had interest. Too weird and shy, and just not having the urge. I don't really care anymore.

I don't fear being alone when I'm old. Hell, I don't imagine myself BEING old. I never have. It's always been in the back of my mind that one day I'll CTB. One day, but not today.

I don't want to upset my mom or my sister. And my dogs wouldn't understand. I love them all too much. But once they are gone, like I said I don't picture myself being old or dying of old age.

Maybe I won't CTB until I'm 80. I just know one day I'll go looking for that bus stop.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I'm kind of similar in that I feel like it'll probably be how I go out. If you want you can send me a message or something. Feel free to look through my posts.

 

[leloyon]

You don't need to be planning to CTB to be here, you know.

 

[1043169]

You don't need to be planning to CTB to be here, you know.

Hahaha see I feel like a fraud sometimes.

 

[Not a Cylon]

I'm pretty sure no one here has to go to the bus stop to participate! I get the thoughts you have and how having tethers keeps us grounded. Tell me more about your doggos?

 

[leloyon]

Hahaha see I feel like a fraud sometimes.

Man, the only frauds here are the people coming here to yell at others about their ideology, whether that be pro-life or pro-death. If you're not here to yell about how all life is sacred and we're all murderers just for being members of this forum then you belong here as far as I'm concerned. We have a recovery section for a reason, it ain't about planning anything, it's just a support forum related to suicidal thoughts. You said you think you'll commit suicide one day, that definitely means you belong here.

 

[kyhoti]

Welcome! This site has allowed me to air out the attic, and give myself permission to talk about the taboo. Hope you find peace on your journey.

 

[wondernerd87]

You posted this on my birthday. Wish I was as brave as you. I'm scared to live and scared to die. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish you all the best of luck and success in your life

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

Yeah the title like 'if you're not going to CTB why are you here?'

Mid-30s, female, somewhat nice life. Owe money but who doesn't. Good job. Up for promotion. Advancing career.

Mentally ill but pretty stable? Bipolar but not actively depressed. I don't think.

Why am I here? Well, my thoughts swirl around with the dark thoughts. Stuff I've always been afraid to say out loud to anyone. The kind of stuff that gets you sectioned or investigated by the pigs.

I live with a sibling and parent. Two dogs. I've never dated. Never really had interest. Too weird and shy, and just not having the urge. I don't really care anymore.

I don't fear being alone when I'm old. Hell, I don't imagine myself BEING old. I never have. It's always been in the back of my mind that one day I'll CTB. One day, but not today.

I don't want to upset my mom or my sister. And my dogs wouldn't understand. I love them all too much. But once they are gone, like I said I don't picture myself being old or dying of old age.

Maybe I won't CTB until I'm 80. I just know one day I'll go looking for that bus stop.

I really appreciate you sharing this. I can relate a lot. I'm 45 and don't feel the pressing need to ctb, but I'm convinced I will leave at a time I see fit. I think it's nice to highlight there are a wide variety of people that are here for different reasons.

This is my second account here. At the beginning of the year I had a bit of an internal freak out and asked to be banned. I was having a lot of mixed feelings about being here. I was feeling conflicted. Was it "right" for me to be here? Was I a fraud? Was I being too heavily influenced? Lots of stuff.

I came back after several months because I missed the community. I've never felt so comfortable to be honest in a space with others like me. The moments of learning and connection is special to me and is a big part of my "recovery", which is primarily focused on avoiding an impulsive attempt.

Thanks for sharing and I def think there's space for you here.

 

[Traveller12724]

Hahaha see I feel like a fraud sometimes.

You are not a fraud at all, if you had asked me a year ago whether I would be ctbing in 12 days from now I would have probably told you not yet but someday, fast forward a year and I am almost at the door on my way out and it feels right in every way.