So I've been thinking about this. I have a debilitating illness, and I am mostly bed-bound. There is no treatment, but it's not lethal so I will be like this for many many years to come. People who were close to me have disappeared because it is too much of a burden to take care of me, my partner left me because of the stress of the illness. Yet, what those same people say is: "do not take your life, that's very selfish of you, don't you realize how much we will suffer?". So basically, they are saying that they don't care about me enough to take care of me but they care about me enough to keep me suffering lots of pain for the rest of my life. I feel it's selfish of them. Yet, it is true that I don't want to hurt anyone. I wish all the suffering just disappeared with me. Is the worry of hurting others stoping you? I wonder if there is a way to beg them to let me go without suffering... I doubt a final letter will help enough though...
i feel you, im in the same situation. i isolated myself completely so nobody wont even notice my death. except my mother, who is my caregiver aswell. its such a cruel situation.
Chupacabra 44
If boredom were a CTB method, I would be long gone
- Sep 13, 2020
- 710
Clearly you're in a bad position, and my heart goes out to you. I would like to think that anyone you would leave behind would be able to comprehend and accept your decision. Your quality of life is seemingly very low and I would like to think people in your sphere IRL would be capable of understanding what all you have been going through. The unfortunate observation from my real life experience is that some people just aren't capable of ever "getting it". For those types no matter what you do on your end they will never fully understand, IMO.
Having relationships with those in your life I'm sure you can anticipate how each will respond, but even then it's impossible to know in advance exactly what they will feel and think.
My mom CTBed when my sister and I were both in our early thirties and we each had completely opposite reactions. Mom CTB did not impact me adversely whatsoever because I understood her well and because I have the same feelings. If I didn't have similar feelings, I would not be on this forum. My sister on the other hand is still devastated 25 years later. She's still trying to heal.
The major difference is my mom was not bed-bound; she did not have an illness as serious as yours. Had my mom been bed-bound I am 95% sure my sister would have healed just fine.
Frankly, I am very surprised that my sister is so impacted. I would never have guessed 25 years ago that this would be her response. I'm grateful that I did not have the type of response that she had. But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you can't really know with certainty how others will react.
Additionally, since you're new I am not sure if you know about groups such as Pegasus? If any of the legalized euthanasia clinics would appeal to you, I think this might be something for you to consider. I've learned a lot from reading about the euthanasia clinics in Switzerland on this forum. Perhaps that's something for you to read about and think about.
Welcome to the forum, if you would like to reach out you can always feel free to send me a message.
Peace.
Having relationships with those in your life I'm sure you can anticipate how each will respond, but even then it's impossible to know in advance exactly what they will feel and think.
My mom CTBed when my sister and I were both in our early thirties and we each had completely opposite reactions. Mom CTB did not impact me adversely whatsoever because I understood her well and because I have the same feelings. If I didn't have similar feelings, I would not be on this forum. My sister on the other hand is still devastated 25 years later. She's still trying to heal.
The major difference is my mom was not bed-bound; she did not have an illness as serious as yours. Had my mom been bed-bound I am 95% sure my sister would have healed just fine.
Frankly, I am very surprised that my sister is so impacted. I would never have guessed 25 years ago that this would be her response. I'm grateful that I did not have the type of response that she had. But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you can't really know with certainty how others will react.
Additionally, since you're new I am not sure if you know about groups such as Pegasus? If any of the legalized euthanasia clinics would appeal to you, I think this might be something for you to consider. I've learned a lot from reading about the euthanasia clinics in Switzerland on this forum. Perhaps that's something for you to read about and think about.
Welcome to the forum, if you would like to reach out you can always feel free to send me a message.
Peace.
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schopenh
Specialist
- Oct 21, 2019
- 385
Am in the exact same situation. Sorry you have to deal with it. After 3.5 years of suffering though I mostly stopped caring about how the CTB will impact others. Pain chips away at the soul until there is little left. I'm just a slave to survival instinct at the moment.
Curious what the illness is or if it has no formal/meaingful diagnosis, what the symptoms are? (I'm not gonna give you unsolicited advice)
Curious what the illness is or if it has no formal/meaingful diagnosis, what the symptoms are? (I'm not gonna give you unsolicited advice)
LastWhisper
Who cares if I'm drunk?
- Oct 29, 2019
- 223
Well, from one side it's probably right to care about other people especially who did care about you, but from other side it's your life, your choice, you should do it so how it will be better for you, for only you. You should think about your own comfort first, and after that about others. I still thinking about how my death will affect some people, but in that case I really don't want to decrease my ctb's priority.
you expressed yourself very well. I am in this dilemma, of making my mother suffer.
sadworld
existence is a nightmare
- Aug 25, 2020
- 3,870
I think someone can't die without making anyone suffer. They don't take care of you, so they'll get over it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I didn't know about pegasus. I will check that and see my options!
I have a severe version of ME. Pain all over my body, inability to move, insomnia, troubles breathing and swallowing, constant nausea and vomiting and many other I'm probably forgetting. I also need to be staring at the ceiling most of the day (no reading, my brain is foggy, not looking at the screen). Otherwise, the next day will be worse! I am in my thirties and the idea of live like that for at least 40 more years is excruciating...
They chose to leave, and leave you with the emotional struggle on top of the physical. You don't owe them a damn thing. I've been stuck in this conundrum for a while, everyone has a tipping point. It is so disheartening and lonely... got a TBI by no fault of my own, naturally I changed and almost everyone fled or criticized. True colors laid bare. Listen to YOUR heart and your soul. Wishing comfort and love for you.
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schopenh
Specialist
- Oct 21, 2019
- 385
Well, that's why I came here, to gather ideas. I dream with inert gas, because it's painless, but I think I can't do that. I have a tons of medication around me, so I could do that if I'm able to swallow them. I probably need to gather more. My body rejects most medications, so I have tons of unfinished prescription laying around.
In good days, I am able to walk a few steps to my bathroom. Since my partner left a week or so ago, I am alone most of the day with friends just coming for meal time. That will be it until we find permanent care. I am deteriorating quickly because of that and I also think this is my chance because of the time alone, so I need to think quickly, but I want to make sure it will work. Hopefully I can gather a good method here.
whitefeather
Thank the gods for Death
- Apr 23, 2020
- 516
Davana - Eternal Thanks for your beautifully written post ! Life is what hurts loved ones, Not Us !
Pegasos approved me. But pandemic has me leaning towards SN at home. One could catch Covid on flights to Pegasos, spike a fever and be banned from VAD appointment !
Davana , 2 short clips >
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Hofmann43
Member
- Oct 3, 2020
- 33
Yes, I don't consider some methods because they might be shocking for people who find you like jumping from a building, train suicide and it is likely that they will be traumatized.
schopenh
Specialist
- Oct 21, 2019
- 385
I understand how upsetting this point of view is to others but I actually encourage suicide by train. Generally change only happens when you create major inconveniences for the operating society. If every single person who committed suicide did so by train, even though the numbers would be the exact same, it would cause so much more discussion. One might say, "well all it will do is lead to stricter security at train stations", but I really don't see how they can make trains more suicide proof unless they spend bajillions on the infrastructure and staffing.
If anyone wants to say variants of: It's so incredibly selfish to create so much trauma and other inconveniences, sometimes even giving someone years of emotional trauma, because of your suicide choice. It's not ok and you should minimise the impact. etc.
My answer is, since I don't care, then it's more of a reason for access to assisted suicide, right?
hey davana. my situation is quite similar. i havent ctbd yet because of my mother but i think im going to do it anyway...before i lose sanity. its just too much for some of us. and not even being able to have distractions cause brain fog (and tinnitus for me) is the icing on the cake. hope you find peace soon sonehow
I completely relate to everything you have said. My family barely speak to me. I have severe mental health problems and I'm a burden to them. They won't help me get through it but guilt trip me out of CTB. It's so selfish of them . They want me around for what exactly?
I look at it this way, I have a pretty risky lifestyle, but even if I didn't, I could be hit by a car and killed crossing the street or riding my bicycle. Maybe that would hurt my loved ones, so should I just stay inside all say? We are all going to die some way or another. It's going to hurt others the same no matter how we go. I think it's bs when people say it hurts more that we go by ctb than accident or illness. In the end, I'm going on my terms, if that hurts others, I'm sorry. My choice isn't malicious, it's me exercising my free will.
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