Venting Not anymore...

[Freedom Believer]

I'm a fucking failure.

My Dad and grandparents think the world of me. They think that I'll be the one to proudly wear the family name. Graduating with "cum laude" without studying does that. College of course is the next step. Typing that word just makes me drained. The place I never wanted to go, so I took it online to avoid going there. My father didn't approve of it, but I said it was because the computer science degree does it online to "advance with technology". He didn't like it, but couldn't complain. I did what he wanted.

I hated it.

It drained me out of all enjoyment.

Video games? Can't stop thinking about college.

Part-time job? Can't stop thinking about college.

Church? Can't stop thinking about college.

Watching YouTube videos? Can't stop thinking about college.

I wanted it to stop. I had enough of school. I had no direction, but I wasn't going to spend any money doing something I had no passion for.

I told my Dad I wanted out. And all he did was tell me "get your fucking education" and "our family prides itself on education". I bent the knee and continued. Finished the first semester with a 4.0 and applied for more classes. Then my Dad started to talk about 4-year college.

No.

That's when I realized that I was no longer in control of my life. He wanted his own fantasy of what I was supposed to be. To him he saw computer science as a sure fire path to get me a six figure salary. I loved video games so that meant computer science was the degree for me and that's what I thought for myself before I started the first semester.

I was getting out, I don't care anymore. I can't keep this facade anymore.

I dropped all my classes for Spring in December. It hasn't showed up in my bank statement for the refund, yet. It'll show up at some point and my Dad will see it eventually. I won't have an excuse for why. There is no way for me to get out of this predicament without me ending up on the streets with nothing but the clothes on me.

I want all of it to stop. The stress, the thoughts. I just want it to stop. I wouldn't survive the night homeless. I want to die still the greedy, selfish, cowardly child I am.

I want to die in the comfort of what still is my home. While my Dad still lives in the bliss that I'm going to be the successful child that he wanted (educated and rich). His eldest son never was, and he thinks that I'm his best shot. But I never was.

That's why I'm going to attempt to CTB tomorrow night. If I fail, then the next day. If I fail for the third time, I will try SN without antiemetics. I'll most defiantly throw it up, but I'll have plenty next to me so that I'll eventually pass out and die. If I'm in pain throughout the process, fine. I deserve it.

If I manage to be successful my Dad will look over my body in disgust and anger. Read my suicide note (half-assed, like how I did everything in life) and destroy everything in my room. Probably go into my game room and destroy that too.

The funny thing is that I found an interest in writing stories. It could've had potential if I explored it sooner, but too late. This is my life. All the potential in the world, a Dad that would pay top dollar for their son to get into the best college available. And all he bred was a lazy son who never got involved in society and isolated himself in his room everyday. I could always see the disappointment in his eyes when he looked at me, and that will stay with me until I CTB.

 

[Ame]

I've read some of your older posts before this one and you really do carry a heavy burden on your shoulders. From your words, it seems to me that you are in a lot of pain and torn between wanting to please your family (by living out the dreams they have for you) and wanting to pursue something that you feel more passionate about. Of course, it is much more complicated than how I laid it out and there are probably many, many more layers to your anguish that you have yet to express here. It is seldom a single catalyst that brings you to this point. I'm really sorry for how you see yourself and for the pain you are feeling.

Some cultures can be very harsh about education and I get the feeling that this might be the case for you. I come from a culture that places a huge value on education, so if this is indeed the case for you, I can relate. I do not know your family, nor will I pretend to, but I can assure you that if they love you - even if your dropping out of studies sends them into a fit of rage that has them doing terrible things - they would much rather have their child alive than dead.

If anything, something that I've noticed as a common theme across these posts is fear and I really do think that you are afraid. Of what, I can only guess. Perhaps you fear failure or disappointing others...or maybe below all of that you are afraid that the people you love the most will deem you unworthy and withdraw their love. If I am at all correct, then I can really understand some of your anguish. Being rejected and abandoned by your loved ones is terrifying. Not knowing what to do with yourself can also feel quite daunting.

Yet you are here and for as long as you are here there are options. Granted, you may not be able to see positive outcomes because you have been under a great deal of stress for what seems like a very long time (since secondary school?) but if you CTB then the number of possible outcomes collapses to 1: being dead. I don't mean to try to dissuade you or to leave you feeling invalidated (because your feelings and experiences are valid), but I hope that you will reflect and take some time to consider getting some support. You may just find that you have some amazing stories to share with the world.

Should you arrive at the same conclusion, then that is how it will be. I just hope that you will act for yourself and do what is good and right for you...whatever that may be.

 

[Freedom Believer]

I've read some of your older posts before this one and you really do carry a heavy burden on your shoulders. From your words, it seems to me that you are in a lot of pain and torn between wanting to please your family (by living out the dreams they have for you) and wanting to pursue something that you feel more passionate about. Of course, it is much more complicated than how I laid it out and there are probably many, many more layers to your anguish that you have yet to express here. It is seldom a single catalyst that brings you to this point. I'm really sorry for how you see yourself and for the pain you are feeling.

Some cultures can be very harsh about education and I get the feeling that this might be the case for you. I come from a culture that places a huge value on education, so if this is indeed the case for you, I can relate. I do not know your family, nor will I pretend to, but I can assure you that if they love you - even if your dropping out of studies sends them into a fit of rage that has them doing terrible things - they would much rather have their child alive than dead.

If anything, something that I've noticed as a common theme across these posts is fear and I really do think that you are afraid. Of what, I can only guess. Perhaps you fear failure or disappointing others...or maybe below all of that you are afraid that the people you love the most will deem you unworthy and withdraw their love. If I am at all correct, then I can really understand some of your anguish. Being rejected and abandoned by your loved ones is terrifying. Not knowing what to do with yourself can also feel quite daunting.

Yet you are here and for as long as you are here there are options. Granted, you may not be able to see positive outcomes because you have been under a great deal of stress for what seems like a very long time (since secondary school?) but if you CTB then the number of possible outcomes collapses to 1: being dead. I don't mean to try to dissuade you or to leave you feeling invalidated (because your feelings and experiences are valid), but I hope that you will reflect and take some time to consider getting some support. You may just find that you have some amazing stories to share with the world.

Should you arrive at the same conclusion, then that is how it will be. I just hope that you will act for yourself and do what is good and right for you...whatever that may be.

I thank you for taking the time out of your day to give me advice. My fear is dying alone and that will happen. No one wants me or wants to be around me. Family does it out of obligation.

 

[jgm63]

Based on prior interactions I think I know that your mind is fairly made up, so I guess I won't try to think of solutions or try to see if you've considered other options, etc, since I think you've already done all of that....

So at this stage, I'll just say that we support you in whatever your choice is.

So I'll wish you a safe onward journey

Please keep us updated if you wish, so we can continue to support you...

 

[Freedom Believer]

Based on prior interactions I think I know that your mind is fairly made up, so I guess I won't try to think of solutions or try to see if you've considered other options, etc, since I think you've already done all of that....

So at this stage, I'll just say that we support you in whatever your choice is.

So I'll wish you a safe onward journey

Please keep us updated if you wish, so we can continue to support you...

Thank you.