not ACTIVELY suicidal but wish i killed myself when i was younger. Wtf is that about :/

[shrusho]

I'm not currently ACTIVELY suicidal but i always think about how i should've killed myself when i was younger. Like i don't have it in me to make that desicion anymore, my life is too good. but if that's the case why aren't i appreciative that i rode it out?? why do i wish i had gone thru with it? but i dont make any plans to kill myself anymore ,,, like i've accepted i will live a natural life.