Venting Nostalgia is a torture

[lu15007]

I slept for three hours and woke up to cry because I remembered school. It's stupid, I never had good times in school, why do I miss it so much? I was bullied, I hated my friends, I didn't like to study. Until It ended, now I miss it all. And it hurts to know I will never return to it.

Now life is changing, it's becoming more complicated, more stressful, sadder. I used to be so miserable and thought the sadness couldn't get worse, yet every year it does. I barely managed to convince myself to live in the simple world of being a child, I was always hopeful for the future no matter how sad everything was. I always pushed myself to my limits in hopes to find a little enjoyment in life. I pushed myself to communicate, to do well in school, to find hobbies, to do sports, to give myself options for the future, to not waste my life. And now. I don't want to live the life I arranged.

Yay I managed to finish school perfectly well and got into my goal university. I don't want it. Yay I managed to escape my stressful home and live alone in another city. I want back. Yay I managed to find enjoyment in drawing, painting, playing the guitar and playing tennis. I don't have the time nor the energy nor the money for these anymore. The nostalgia from when I could practice these hobbies is killing me now. The nostalgia from when I could eat mom's food and sleep in my own bed won't let me breathe.

I cannot live in the present, I hate it, I cannot live for the future like before either, I don't want it. So i live in the past and torture myself. I already have this hopeful mindset established but I don't see what to hope for anymore. I know time only goes forwards and never back. I know it can only get worse from now on. Loved ones will die, people will stop taking care of me like a child, I will have to deal with everything by myself, all life will be circling around work and money, time will get less, nostalgia will get stronger. I don't see a future to push myself towards anymore, I don't see a future where I live. I hadn't thought that far. As a child I dreamed to end it at 17, then I decided on 19 because I wanted to see life by myself in another city. Get as much as i can from life and leave it before it turns into a routine with no goals and dreams. Now I have only a couple months left until I'm 20 and the only thing that keeps me going is that somewhere I read "no matter how miserable the present is, one day you will feel nostalgic towards it". So now my only goal is to give myself as many nostalgia worthy memories as possible to torture my future self. Only this makes me feel like the present isn't a waste.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds dreadful and tiring being trapped in that situation, must be painful missing past times like that, existence really is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I slept for three hours and woke up to cry because I remembered school. It's stupid, I never had good times in school, why do I miss it so much? I was bullied, I hated my friends, I didn't like to study. Until It ended, now I miss it all. And it hurts to know I will never return to it.

Now life is changing, it's becoming more complicated, more stressful, sadder. I used to be so miserable and thought the sadness couldn't get worse, yet every year it does. I barely managed to convince myself to live in the simple world of being a child, I was always hopeful for the future no matter how sad everything was. I always pushed myself to my limits in hopes to find a little enjoyment in life. I pushed myself to communicate, to do well in school, to find hobbies, to do sports, to give myself options for the future, to not waste my life. And now. I don't want to live the life I arranged.

Yay I managed to finish school perfectly well and got into my goal university. I don't want it. Yay I managed to escape my stressful home and live alone in another city. I want back. Yay I managed to find enjoyment in drawing, painting, playing the guitar and playing tennis. I don't have the time nor the energy nor the money for these anymore. The nostalgia from when I could practice these hobbies is killing me now. The nostalgia from when I could eat mom's food and sleep in my own bed won't let me breathe.

I cannot live in the present, I hate it, I cannot live for the future like before either, I don't want it. So i live in the past and torture myself. I already have this hopeful mindset established but I don't see what to hope for anymore. I know time only goes forwards and never back. I know it can only get worse from now on. Loved ones will die, people will stop taking care of me like a child, I will have to deal with everything by myself, all life will be circling around work and money, time will get less, nostalgia will get stronger. I don't see a future to push myself towards anymore, I don't see a future where I live. I hadn't thought that far. As a child I dreamed to end it at 17, then I decided on 19 because I wanted to see life by myself in another city. Get as much as i can from life and leave it before it turns into a routine with no goals and dreams. Now I have only a couple months left until I'm 20 and the only thing that keeps me going is that somewhere I read "no matter how miserable the present is, one day you will feel nostalgic towards it". So now my only goal is to give myself as many nostalgia worthy memories as possible to torture my future self. Only this makes me feel like the present isn't a waste.

I can relate so much to this I haven´t lived in the present for many years in the present or the future is there only pain and suffering so naturally I look back to a time where I didn´t suffer from physical and mental problems and I had hopes and dreams and lots of things were fun in life where now with apathy and anhedonia I feel nothing I´m just an empty shell of the person I once was.

Before long I will turn 30 it baffles where to even see that number written down now and think that is my age soon I never had a chance in adult life mainly because of my physical problems and I remember when I turned 20 I couldn´t believe it, like you I always thought I would die young, when I was 15 I even said to my friends that I would never be 20 and like you said "I have never thought this far" I can relate because when you think you will ctb maybe within a few weeks or months you don´t really plan for the future.
Now I only live for nostalgia it´s the only thing that gives me any joy despite it being a bittersweet happiness since nostalgia is a mix of sadness and happiness, sadness because I miss those memories I will never get to experience again and happiness for those things I experienced.

 

[front of me]

Flashbacks running in my brain 24h

 

[jussrav]

I slept for three hours and woke up to cry because I remembered school. It's stupid, I never had good times in school, why do I miss it so much? I was bullied, I hated my friends, I didn't like to study. Until It ended, now I miss it all. And it hurts to know I will never return to it.

Now life is changing, it's becoming more complicated, more stressful, sadder. I used to be so miserable and thought the sadness couldn't get worse, yet every year it does. I barely managed to convince myself to live in the simple world of being a child, I was always hopeful for the future no matter how sad everything was. I always pushed myself to my limits in hopes to find a little enjoyment in life. I pushed myself to communicate, to do well in school, to find hobbies, to do sports, to give myself options for the future, to not waste my life. And now. I don't want to live the life I arranged.

Yay I managed to finish school perfectly well and got into my goal university. I don't want it. Yay I managed to escape my stressful home and live alone in another city. I want back. Yay I managed to find enjoyment in drawing, painting, playing the guitar and playing tennis. I don't have the time nor the energy nor the money for these anymore. The nostalgia from when I could practice these hobbies is killing me now. The nostalgia from when I could eat mom's food and sleep in my own bed won't let me breathe.

I cannot live in the present, I hate it, I cannot live for the future like before either, I don't want it. So i live in the past and torture myself. I already have this hopeful mindset established but I don't see what to hope for anymore. I know time only goes forwards and never back. I know it can only get worse from now on. Loved ones will die, people will stop taking care of me like a child, I will have to deal with everything by myself, all life will be circling around work and money, time will get less, nostalgia will get stronger. I don't see a future to push myself towards anymore, I don't see a future where I live. I hadn't thought that far. As a child I dreamed to end it at 17, then I decided on 19 because I wanted to see life by myself in another city. Get as much as i can from life and leave it before it turns into a routine with no goals and dreams. Now I have only a couple months left until I'm 20 and the only thing that keeps me going is that somewhere I read "no matter how miserable the present is, one day you will feel nostalgic towards it". So now my only goal is to give myself as many nostalgia worthy memories as possible to torture my future self. Only this makes me feel like the present isn't a waste.

I feel the same i don't want to live in my present I loved my past. Now I am in asituation I dont want. Health issues, tumours everything is so messed up I made so many bad decisions. I dont know what to do with my life ots awful.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

Yes nostalgia can be a torture, i constantly regret the time where i had dreams, social life and so one.. it was already difficult at this time but never thought things were gonna turn at this point.

 

[Aim]

 

[knux]

I feel you on every single level.

The here and now is too hideous and the future is only going to be more never ending misery so I constantly live in the past. Listen to music from my youth. Walk past places I frequented as a child. Research old friends. Purchase childhood toys/books/games. Look through pictures of my childhood. I constantly drown in nostalgia and it's both utterly heartbreaking and almost like a warm blanket wrapped around me at the same time.

Life is so cruel.