Venting “Nonchalant” mfs

[FERAL_FRENZY]

Lukewarm rant. I don't really have all my thoughts together.

I despise "nonchalant"/emotionally unavailable people. I don't know why it's a trend to act as if you don't give a shit about your friends/ loved ones. It's draining for the other side to always be forced to carry the conversation every time they reach out. I've heard every excuse under the sun: "I'm just not good at texting/ I don't know how to talk about my feelings/ "I'm just chill." "CHILL." I HATE that fucking word so much. I've got a sneaking suspicion that some people are deathly afraid of vulnerability and will do anything to maintain a "nonchalant" façade, even if it comes at the cost of their friendships/ relationships. Yet SOMEHOW they still expect others to want to stick around and accommodate them.

So then I got to thinking. Maybe they're better off talking to someone who's also "chill." Maybe they'd feel more comfortable talking to someone who shares their similarities. WRONG. Self-proclaimed "nonchalant" people don't even like each other. They prefer people who are emotionally available because then they can get off on the inevitable chase that'll ensue when the other desperately craves their validation. Maybe they'll generously drip feed you bits of acknowledgment here and there, doing the bare minimum to keep you hooked so you'll always come crawling back for more. I'm not interested in that type of friendship in the slightest.

I'm assuming they do this because they're afraid of rejection/ getting hurt, or whatever, but honestly, I don't give a damn. My sympathy for these types of people ran out AGES AGO. Talking to them about potential change is the equivalent of speaking to a slab of drywall. They are DEDICATED to acting like a closed-off shell of a human being. I'm so sick of it. The one-word responses, the shallow conversations, the long silent pauses. I feel like I'm better off talking to a corpse at this point. If only necromancy was real. :,)

 

[SuicidalOrganism]

lets see how nonchalantly theyll react once someone farts on their faces

 

[1MiserableGuy]

Zero emotional intelligence in the kind of people you're describing. Bottling up is just the equal opposite extreme of abuse, but rather than dishing out on others they're dishing out on themselves.

 

[4am]

if you want them to do something they don't want to do then seems like you're the problem tbh

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I despise "nonchalant"/emotionally unavailable people. I don't know why it's a trend to act as if you don't give a shit about your friends/ loved ones. It's draining for the other side to always be forced to carry the conversation every time they reach out. I've heard every excuse under the sun: "I'm just not good at texting/ I don't know how to talk about my feelings/ "I'm just chill." "CHILL." I HATE that fucking word so much. I've got a sneaking suspicion that some people are deathly afraid of vulnerability and will do anything to maintain a "nonchalant" façade, even if it comes at the cost of their friendships/ relationships.

I don't think it's a trend or anything like that. I can't speak for anyone else, but I genuinely can't care for people. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't. I wouldn't be surprised if it's the same for most, or at least many, other "nonchalant" people. Doesn't have anything to do with a fear of being vulnerable.

 

[FERAL_FRENZY]

if you want them to do something they don't want to do then seems like you're the problem tbh

1. I'm not forcing them.
2. I'm well aware that I have the option to break off the friendship at any point, and I often do so without hesitation.
3. My main issue is that these people will get upset with you when you DO decide to put your foot down. Hope this helps

I don't think it's a trend or anything like that. I can't speak for anyone else, but I genuinely can't care for people. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't. I wouldn't be surprised if it's the same for most, or at least many, other "nonchalant" people. Doesn't have anything to do with a fear of being vulnerable.

As someone from the opposite side of the train tracks, would you mind elaborating? I don't quite get it.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

As someone from the opposite side of the train tracks, would you mind elaborating? I don't quite get it.

You said that you think it's some kind of trend, that those people only act like they don't care for their friends and family because they may be afraid of showing vulnerability. I don't think that's the case because I'm pretty much in that "situation". I can't care for people, be it family or anyone else. They could be gone tomorrow and I couldn't care. I think it's more likely that those people genuinely can't care for someone else, rather than that it's them following some kind of trend. I'm sure there are quite a few among them who fear showing vulnerability, but that's not all of them. However, even if that's the case for them, it doesn't excuse being a bad friend and expecting others to put in all the effort without doing anything themselves.

 

[Ares]

I can relate. All the people I know are terrible texters, and they've occasionally made efforts but it's all superficial. The rest simply aren't invested. I don't blame them, though. I make for dry conversation as I hold very little interest in many things. I don't play games. I don't have social media (unless you count SS). I only work on my assignments and excercise till I'm no longer wishing that I'm dead. I think those who are like that simply don't put much thought on the issue and are content with only talking so often in person. Or they're afraid of vulnurability like you said. I've had one person I reached out to plainly tell me that my texts were annoying (after my request for them to drop the superficial politeness), so I dropped all pretense of attachment and clingyness for their sake. They didn't want to be rude, so I pressed that they could, and that was the truth. They seemed far happier after and expressed that usually people wouldn't be so understanding (implying most people keep texting which made the person uncomfortable and "forced"). I think they don't like feeling obligated to help or text back and that the pressure was uncomfortable which I can understand. I've done far better without relying on others to fix me. I'm the only one who can give myself what I want, no matter how difficult it gets that remains true... though that doesn't mean I don't want anyone to talk truthfully to, hence why I'm here!

 

[derpyderpins]

Whether it's a trend or not, I can't say, but to speculate why people would be that way, factors may include:

• It's generally a defense mechanism
• (Related) At some point they did express themselves and were shot down. I've talked to my shrink about some times as a kid my dad shut me down after showing affection because guys don't do that. Gives you a reflex going forward to not expose yourself.
• They didn't develop social skills. Evidenced on here sometimes. It's a lack of being able to put yourself in the other person's shoes: only being able to concern yourself with what benefits you.

You're right. It's not "chill." A "chill" person would still react and offer interaction, they just would be level headed.

 

[CowardStaysIn]

All of this -

I agree with the defense mechanism and being shut down - I was "nonchalant" for a while in my youth because I was (and still am) highly sensitive and I had to turn myself "off" in order to survive. With a very toxic parent who literally fed off of any emotional displays or just possession of emotions, I learnt to greyrock and just kept at it when I got out into the wider world. When I felt a bit safer to address and feel my intense emotions that had built up behind the nonchalance, I started that work.

But I see what OP means - there seems to be a general "fuck them kids" attitude to everyone and everything that gets rewarded online, and too many people take that attitude offline because though they may have logged off physically, they didn't do so mentally.