Venting noise hurts and im a pain to everyone

[SparkleWater]

i get bothered by the littelist things and i know my mother is tired. tired of having a spastic disorganized retard for a daughter. she never wanted me like this. she wanted a normal child but i robbed her of that. i never got the help i needed and now im stuck in this fucking loop of wanting to get better and wanting to fucking off myself. i just want to make up my mind and choose life or death but i cant
just the sound of the trees branches is painful. they bend and snap back

 

[Darkover]

I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers. That is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark

 

[4eyebiped]

No love, you didn't rob her of anything as you had no say in whatever condition you may have been born with or developed along the way. That is all the fault of the genetic lottery that she chose to play. Have you tried any form of hearing protection or noise cancelling headphones to see if that helps?

 

[OrcWitch]

That sounds difficult to feel like a burden on others. It isn't your fault you didn't receive the help you needed.

I agree that noise is unbearable. I wish we could alter our brains to accept noise better.

 

[meetapple]

It is difficult to have to make a choice between life and death. You can probably work on yourself by setting realistic goals which excite you. You are not here for your mother. You are here for yourself.

 

[vinie]

Firstly, I am extremely sorry that you have to endure that. Secondly, you are not at fault. How can you be responsible for something that you have no control over. You didn't rob your mother from anything, as she is supposed to love you unconditionally.

You are not here for your mother. You are here for yourself.

I cannot agree with this more. It is your life, therefore you can do whatever you want with it. Maybe try seeking professional help now or in the future; it is never late to do so.

Wishing you the best of luck :)

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course it is not your fault. None of us asked to be alive in the first place. Living really is painful. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[WearyHSP]

I really get the back and forth and how that can feel like you're spinning instead of choosing. My opinion only, if some part of you still wants to try to make your life better, then do what's within your grasp to do so. You can always change your mind and ctb. I've hung on for decades past when I stopped wanting to live because I still had reserves of hope and perseverance to try to improve my situation. I have a chronic illness so I understand often there isn't a resolution for what ails you.
Also, I have HUGE problems with sound so I feel for you. It's impossible to have any kind of social interaction when noise makes it excruciating and alienates people.

Totally different perspective but its how I'm relating to your share, I have terrible PTSD from a traumatic event that happened when I was 7, and which I have no memories. I have flashbacks and such which fill in gaps but no actual memories. The spinning of not knowing, and never being able to reconcile what actually happened might be the worst part of the trauma at this point - always second guessing myself. This is how I'm relating to you with the back and forth about making up your mind. It's excruciating.

Very sorry you have this illness, and sorry you feel your Mom is disappointed. I agree with others that your circumstances aren't your fault. They said it better than I could.