Nobody understands (maybe you do?)

[medicinenightmares]

I just wanted a safe place to talk.

I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this as honestly as I need to. They don't understand what it's like to have a failed suicide attempt, and the people in my life who do have similar experience I feel like I can't talk to them about it bc it will trigger them.

As a teenager I was in and out of the hospital a lot for suicide attempts every few months (technically it was "gestures" but it felt real to me). I was 15 the first time I went to the psych ward and was admitted for a couple months. I went to the hospital three more times in the span of less than 4 months after being released. The Ministry of Children & Family Development (my country's version of CPS) got involved because my mom couldn't take care of me and I was put into foster care. My three other siblings stayed with my mom. I can't even explain to you how much it hurts that I was the "problem child" who had to be sent away because I was ruining the family. It still hurts. Foster care left permanent scars both literally and figuratively. I definitely didn't have it as bad as some kids but it still was awful. During that time I had many more hospital visits for attempts/gestures and ideation. I had become a frequent flyer and the urgency had long since faded. People were sick of me being sick and lost compassion. I was sent to an adolescent treatment centre for just over a month where they diagnosed me with C-PTSD when I was 17. It hurts me to think that such a young person could have such awful life experiences that by 17 they already have ptsd. It hurts me that kid is me.

I aged out of foster care when I was 19 and was forced to "grow up" and take care of myself even though I was still so far from being ready. I got my own apartment and lived alone and then a couple more hospital visits, which isn't surprising because I had just lost my entire support system and had no one to take care of me. I never really learned how to take care of myself.

The hospital visits settled down a bit after I turned 20. I realized that there was no one to clean up my mess but me. Admittedly, things were a bit better since I had stabilized after distancing myself from foster care and my mom (who is the main source of my ptsd). I had one attempt a couple of years ago (I think I was 19 or 20?) where I took a bunch of dilaudid & some other pills that I stole from my mom, but I didn't die. I literally passed out for two days straight. I have no memory at all so I don't know if I slept for those two days or what. I woke up in my bed still wearing the clothes I had when I took the pills but it was two days later. I don't remember if I went to the hospital or not, I think so but can't be sure.

I went almost two years since that last attempt and I was so proud of myself even though I felt so awful because it was the longest time I went without a hospital visit since this whole thing started when I was 15.

But then my last attempt was September 2020, when I was 22. I had been planning for awhile and carefully researching which drugs I could use to OD. I checked and rechecked all of the MLDs. I got a prescription for pain medication for my tooth pain at the time (which was real) but they couldn't actually fix the tooth right away bc everything was on lockdown from covid. I saved this prescription (or most of it) for months until I finally felt confident enough to OD. I took all of the pills and some others. I waited awhile before I started to panic (as I always do) and started to feel really sick (obviously). My SI got the best of me and I called 911 and then I threw up all of the pills in the ambulance. They did a blood test in the ER and they found trace amounts of the pills that I had taken but not nearly as much as I had actually taken bc I threw them up. I didn't even need an IV and that devastated me. They kept me in the psych unit for a week. And I had no physical injuries or sickness to prove that anything had happened. It is probably one of the most embarrassing things to happen to me. I basically went to the hospital for no reason. I could have just stayed home and would have had the same results by throwing up involuntarily.

Now it's been over a year since that happened and I am feeling so awful and like I need to make another attempt. Not a gesture, because I know they can't help me. I have used all of the treatments and medications and therapies available to me and I can't deal with all of this pain and trauma and these horrible thoughts. I know I need to do it, I don't have a choice. I just haven't pinned a method yet. I kind of like the dance with death, like the "will she? won't she?" die. So anything lethal like a gun or jumping is out of the question. I know that sound stupid and some of you will think "wow she's pathetic. She doesn't really want to die." You're right. I don't want to die. It terrifies me. But I can't live with this pain anymore. I have lived with it long enough and it has become unbearable and I am suffering deeply. My quality of life and ability to take care of myself has plummeted over the last six months and I know this is what I need to do.

I just wanted to talk to someone who might understand.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody really "wants" to die. Not even me although I say it all the time and have convinced myself I truly do. Deep down, all of us actually want things to be better for us. Maybe even others. But for a lot of us, that's a reality that can never be, ergo, the only solution....

As for your story, man, I am truly, truly sorry for the awful hell your life has been thus far. To receive so many "treatments" that do absolutely NOTHING for you other than amplifying your currently existing conditions is a horrendous experience I am sure. You have obviously been through more than enough and the "help" you have received isn't helpful in the least.

All that said, welcome to the forum. You will find many sympathetic, empathic and just plain understanding individuals here that you can share and converse with. Might even make a friend or two along the way. But know that no matter what you choose to do or not do, this community will support you in the kindest fashion possible. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do and hopefully you can find some peace of mind here one way or another. Many hugs to you. I feel you need a bunch.

 

[eternalpeace]

I just wanted a safe place to talk.

I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this as honestly as I need to. They don't understand what it's like to have a failed suicide attempt, and the people in my life who do have similar experience I feel like I can't talk to them about it bc it will trigger them.

As a teenager I was in and out of the hospital a lot for suicide attempts every few months (technically it was "gestures" but it felt real to me). I was 15 the first time I went to the psych ward and was admitted for a couple months. I went to the hospital three more times in the span of less than 4 months after being released. The Ministry of Children & Family Development (my country's version of CPS) got involved because my mom couldn't take care of me and I was put into foster care. My three other siblings stayed with my mom. I can't even explain to you how much it hurts that I was the "problem child" who had to be sent away because I was ruining the family. It still hurts. Foster care left permanent scars both literally and figuratively. I definitely didn't have it as bad as some kids but it still was awful. During that time I had many more hospital visits for attempts/gestures and ideation. I had become a frequent flyer and the urgency had long since faded. People were sick of me being sick and lost compassion. I was sent to an adolescent treatment centre for just over a month where they diagnosed me with C-PTSD when I was 17. It hurts me to think that such a young person could have such awful life experiences that by 17 they already have ptsd. It hurts me that kid is me.

I aged out of foster care when I was 19 and was forced to "grow up" and take care of myself even though I was still so far from being ready. I got my own apartment and lived alone and then a couple more hospital visits, which isn't surprising because I had just lost my entire support system and had no one to take care of me. I never really learned how to take care of myself.

The hospital visits settled down a bit after I turned 20. I realized that there was no one to clean up my mess but me. Admittedly, things were a bit better since I had stabilized after distancing myself from foster care and my mom (who is the main source of my ptsd). I had one attempt a couple of years ago (I think I was 19 or 20?) where I took a bunch of dilaudid & some other pills that I stole from my mom, but I didn't die. I literally passed out for two days straight. I have no memory at all so I don't know if I slept for those two days or what. I woke up in my bed still wearing the clothes I had when I took the pills but it was two days later. I don't remember if I went to the hospital or not, I think so but can't be sure.

I went almost two years since that last attempt and I was so proud of myself even though I felt so awful because it was the longest time I went without a hospital visit since this whole thing started when I was 15.

But then my last attempt was September 2020, when I was 22. I had been planning for awhile and carefully researching which drugs I could use to OD. I checked and rechecked all of the MLDs. I got a prescription for pain medication for my tooth pain at the time (which was real) but they couldn't actually fix the tooth right away bc everything was on lockdown from covid. I saved this prescription (or most of it) for months until I finally felt confident enough to OD. I took all of the pills and some others. I waited awhile before I started to panic (as I always do) and started to feel really sick (obviously). My SI got the best of me and I called 911 and then I threw up all of the pills in the ambulance. They did a blood test in the ER and they found trace amounts of the pills that I had taken but not nearly as much as I had actually taken bc I threw them up. I didn't even need an IV and that devastated me. They kept me in the psych unit for a week. And I had no physical injuries or sickness to prove that anything had happened. It is probably one of the most embarrassing things to happen to me. I basically went to the hospital for no reason. I could have just stayed home and would have had the same results by throwing up involuntarily.

Now it's been over a year since that happened and I am feeling so awful and like I need to make another attempt. Not a gesture, because I know they can't help me. I have used all of the treatments and medications and therapies available to me and I can't deal with all of this pain and trauma and these horrible thoughts. I know I need to do it, I don't have a choice. I just haven't pinned a method yet. I kind of like the dance with death, like the "will she? won't she?" die. So anything lethal like a gun or jumping is out of the question. I know that sound stupid and some of you will think "wow she's pathetic. She doesn't really want to die." You're right. I don't want to die. It terrifies me. But I can't live with this pain anymore. I have lived with it long enough and it has become unbearable and I am suffering deeply. My quality of life and ability to take care of myself has plummeted over the last six months and I know this is what I need to do.

I just wanted to talk to someone who might understand.

First off, you have nothing to be ashamed of in wondering if you "really" want to die. It's hard enough feeling suicidal, no need to feel inferior for not being suicidal enough. I have read that most people who attempt and even complete suicide have some doubts about it right up until the moment they acted. We are born with a biological imperative to survive. Overriding that isn't easy, no matter how much you would like to.

What really stuck with me was the line "I had no physical injuries or sickness to prove that anything had happened". That's the most frustrating part of mental health. No visible "proof". I remember one time I was tube fed and hooked up to an IV for my eating disorder. It hurt like hell when they put it in, but it was oddly comforting to finally have some physical evidence of all the agony that was going on in my head. When I was diagnosed with MS, the outpouring of empathy was astonishing, yet my mental health had been far worse than the MS, and no one seemed to really care about that. (The office once sent me flowers after a suicide attempt, which would have been nice, had they not all treated me like a leper when I came back…)

Our society treats mental and physical health differently. If you had been born with a physical condition that your parents didn't have the resources to address, I doubt you would feel ashamed about that. (Either way, it would have been awful, no doubt. But shame just turns anything awful into something unbearable). And if you wanted to die (or wanted to die but weren't sure you entirely wanted to, and kept going back and forth about it) because of physical pain, I bet you wouldn't have the shame of it all making everything worse.

I know this is going to sound trite, but the fact that you made it to adulthood, given everything you went through, is a testament to your resilience. You have PTSD, and that's no joke. I really don't know what to recommend (sorry), but I do think you are not to blame here. Not at all. Whether you 100% wanted to die in the past really isn't the issue, in my opinion. You are clearly suffering, and have been for a long time. (Frankly, you are also probably being more honest with yourself about the distinction between attempts and gestures than most people are.). People who aren't suffering don't poison themselves to cope, whether they have a pure, unadulterated desire to die, or whether they are "crying for help", or somewhere in the middle.

The only thing I might suggest is trying to do whatever you can to stop the shame spiral. You are a human being who is suffering. You deserve attention and care. I really hope that you can manage to see that, and that things improve for you.

 

[little helpers]

I kind of like the dance with death, like the "will she? won't she?" die.

very relatable. dysfunctional family, abuse, and boom I became the problem child who tries to hide their CPTSD but never manages to pull it off. in and out of psych wards during college for suicide attempts. I didn't experience foster care though I heard a lot how it fuck up kids. I really love that quote too.

since you're looking for some form of connection I think I'd share this poetry thing I wrote when I got out of psych ward one time:

change is up
change is up for you to take and make sensible
nothing's up
down in a hole in a pleasure boat dwindling round and round
I walk the streets of hate
life chases me down in black robe, steel toe and an electric axe
squealing at feral children
kicked out of homes for showing their bruises
I said mama it hurts!
it hurts like bitches
and she said
what language did you just use, bitch?
there's a number you dial to book a safe place to dwell
my body won't answer the call
I must be living outside myself!
and it hurts like bitches
no it never does if I don't answer the call
I prefer not to live but to have preferences
I must be living in the first place

derealisation
unrealisation is superior than brain going reptilian
cooking up altered states
but reality is pouring in I don't wanna learn about it
buy
my new batch
of bullshit and candy-tasting candor
made in a tattoo parlor
where I got a favorite one reading "any positive change"
I said ma'am I am responsible!
I take 30 milligrams of it every single day
it was bitter but I'm living with it bitch!
there is a way of life and a way of war
I dance between the two even when it gets hard to maneuver
where's my veteran's badge, they just write me a diagnosis
I must be dying beside myself!
I died over and over
well do you, believe, in reincarnation?
I woke up in the psych ward covered in a blanket
that was the exact same one on my hospital bed

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. I know that it is a dreadful feeling when things just get worse and I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[medicinenightmares]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody really "wants" to die. Not even me although I say it all the time and have convinced myself I truly do. Deep down, all of us actually want things to be better for us. Maybe even others. But for a lot of us, that's a reality that can never be, ergo, the only solution....

As for your story, man, I am truly, truly sorry for the awful hell your life has been thus far. To receive so many "treatments" that do absolutely NOTHING for you other than amplifying your currently existing conditions is a horrendous experience I am sure. You have obviously been through more than enough and the "help" you have received isn't helpful in the least.

All that said, welcome to the forum. You will find many sympathetic, empathic and just plain understanding individuals here that you can share and converse with. Might even make a friend or two along the way. But know that no matter what you choose to do or not do, this community will support you in the kindest fashion possible. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do and hopefully you can find some peace of mind here one way or another. Many hugs to you. I feel you need a bunch.

Thank you so much for the kind words. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

First off, you have nothing to be ashamed of in wondering if you "really" want to die. It's hard enough feeling suicidal, no need to feel inferior for not being suicidal enough. I have read that most people who attempt and even complete suicide have some doubts about it right up until the moment they acted. We are born with a biological imperative to survive. Overriding that isn't easy, no matter how much you would like to.

What really stuck with me was the line "I had no physical injuries or sickness to prove that anything had happened". That's the most frustrating part of mental health. No visible "proof". I remember one time I was tube fed and hooked up to an IV for my eating disorder. It hurt like hell when they put it in, but it was oddly comforting to finally have some physical evidence of all the agony that was going on in my head. When I was diagnosed with MS, the outpouring of empathy was astonishing, yet my mental health had been far worse than the MS, and no one seemed to really care about that. (The office once sent me flowers after a suicide attempt, which would have been nice, had they not all treated me like a leper when I came back…)

Our society treats mental and physical health differently. If you had been born with a physical condition that your parents didn't have the resources to address, I doubt you would feel ashamed about that. (Either way, it would have been awful, no doubt. But shame just turns anything awful into something unbearable). And if you wanted to die (or wanted to die but weren't sure you entirely wanted to, and kept going back and forth about it) because of physical pain, I bet you wouldn't have the shame of it all making everything worse.

I know this is going to sound trite, but the fact that you made it to adulthood, given everything you went through, is a testament to your resilience. You have PTSD, and that's no joke. I really don't know what to recommend (sorry), but I do think you are not to blame here. Not at all. Whether you 100% wanted to die in the past really isn't the issue, in my opinion. You are clearly suffering, and have been for a long time. (Frankly, you are also probably being more honest with yourself about the distinction between attempts and gestures than most people are.). People who aren't suffering don't poison themselves to cope, whether they have a pure, unadulterated desire to die, or whether they are "crying for help", or somewhere in the middle.

The only thing I might suggest is trying to do whatever you can to stop the shame spiral. You are a human being who is suffering. You deserve attention and care. I really hope that you can manage to see that, and that things improve for you.

Thank you so much. This is one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me, especially at a time when I am at my worst.

 

[deathismymeaning]

wow this really touched me because i definitely resonate with your story, not just because of the multiple hospitalizations at a young age to c-ptsd diagnosis before even legally becoming an adult, trying out everything you can and feeling like nothings gonna get better, and then going through the mental health system through the hospital.
the invalidation is devastating for me and it sounds like it's been really bad for you as well, every time after an attempt when i didn't actually need medical attention i felt terrible because it didn't matter unless it did damage although the goal was to end things all together. it's so hard to recover when the people, the professionals, the system that's supposed to be there to help you recover seems to be doing the opposite.
i'm here if you need me, and i'm so glad you shared your story.