No way out from this domestic violence

[thedarknessofdrevil]

I've been in an abusive relationship for over half my life. I've been running from him consistently for almost 10 years. Every time I build a life worth living he finds me and destroys it all right in front of my eyes. I know he's never going to stop. Not until either I'm dead of he's dead. I keep thinking about my family and about the children I had to place for adoption to keep them safe from this guy. I am pregnant now by him again after yet another r@p3. I know that everyone I love and care about will forever be in danger so long as I'm alive as I'm the only one he cares about finding and hurting. With me alive everyone in my life will be subjected to his torture as a way to torture me too. I know this is never going to stop. I know I am not brave enough to hurt anyone and he's a cop so I know he's not ever going to get in trouble either. I don't even think I'm brave enough to end it all but I sure as hell wish I was. I have 9 months to figure out how to end my suffering as I'm not going to take this babies life in the process. I just hope by the time this child is born and adopted and happy that I am finally brave enough to end my own suffering and by extension the suffering of all my family and friends and kids that he tries to hurt to hurt me. I feel so hopeless. My friend told me to have an abortion as that was the only way to keep this new baby I'm pregnant with safe from him but I'm not brave enough to do that either. As for how I see it maybe giving this baby to a family who always wanted a baby will be one final nice thing I can do for the world before I set myself free. Idk. I really don't know why I'm writing any of this. I just feel lost. I know this will never stop til I die or he does. I know this is how the rest of my life is going to go. I guess I just don't see any point of continuing to live in such torture when I could end it for myself and maybe finally be at peace. My soul is tired. My heart is tired. My body is tired. I just can't imagine living this way much longer unless it's to give birth to this baby before I go. This is just too hard of a life. I wish I never met the guy. I wish I could have had a life worth living but I don't. It sucks. Sorry if this is not the right place to post this. I just feel it's off-topic as it's related to domestic violence. Thanks for listening. I really appreciate that this is a place I can say what I'm feeling. I have no where else I can say any of this stuff without people freaking out. I really appreciate the outlet.

 

[whywere]

You are in the right place to vent and let others help you. My whole body ached reading your post, as I send you lots of huge hugs and love, as no one ever deserves what you have been going through, never ever.

At least for me, SS is all about being a global family, looking out and helping each other weather the storms of life and I truly want you to know that I am family to/for you and that any time you want to talk, I work, so I am not on all the time, but I will respond asap when I hop on to SS.

You are a caring, loving and empathetic soul who deserves lots of sunshine, beautiful ocean views and the knowledge that you are never ever alone.

Lots of beautiful blue sunny skies and fields of lovely flowers to/for you with huge hugs, love and a lifetime of kindness and empathy.

Walter

 

[thedarknessofdrevil]

You are in the right place to vent and let others help you. My whole body ached reading your post, as I send you lots of huge hugs and love, as no one ever deserves what you have been going through, never ever.

At least for me, SS is all about being a global family, looking out and helping each other weather the storms of life and I truly want you to know that I am family to/for you and that any time you want to talk, I work, so I am not on all the time, but I will respond asap when I hop on to SS.

You are a caring, loving and empathetic soul who deserves lots of sunshine, beautiful ocean views and the knowledge that you are never ever alone.

Lots of beautiful blue sunny skies and fields of lovely flowers to/for you with huge hugs, love and a lifetime of kindness and empathy.

Walter

Thank you. I really appreciate your kindness. I really needed some kindness

Thank you. I really appreciate your kindness. I really needed some kindness

I don't know how to dm you but feel free to send me a message if you know how.

 

[alonely]

DV is such a difficult thing to deal with and is so ignored by society, I'm so sorry to hear how bad it has gotten for you for so long. I have been through domestic violence myself and it really is so isolating and trapping. I hope for you that you are able to find a way out or be more at peace. No one deserves to suffer like this. Hugs.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so horrible what you have to endure, I hope you eventually find peace from your suffering, it disgusts me how there is so much undeserved torture in this world.

 

[tiredandconfused]

I'm really sad to hear your story. It's similar to my own but thankfully despite the years of abuse I haven't had any children. I can only imagine how your heart is breaking. I'm living in my 4th domestic violence refuge. Only three years running so nothing compared to what you've been through. I know how alone it feels. I want to say something to make it better but all I can say is hold on. You're stronger than you know.

 

[H.O.Xan]

wow. reading ur post, if it's true, ur life's straight outta a horror movie hm? Damn like even i don't have much of an advice against ur situation. And wut pisses me off more is that U R THE ONE planning CTB even tho ur treated like crap. like i never tell ppl they can't, but it's just that from ur post it sounds tragic and y should this b the conclusion?

With tht being said i do have a few q's for u, if u don't mind:

1.

I've been running from him consistently for almost 10 years. Every time I build a life worth living he finds me and destroys it all right in front of my eyes. I know he's never going to stop. Not until either I'm dead of he's dead.

Would u tell me how this started? How did u guys get acquainted? How've u been putting up with this for a decade? How is he destroying ur life? And does he hold some kind of leverage/authority over u that ur not able to escape? Surely if u fled w/out telling any1, he wouldn't know? Or mb he could, cop after all.

2.

I keep thinking about my family and about the children I had to place for adoption to keep them safe from this guy. I am pregnant now by him again after yet another r@p3.

How many kids do u have in total? Were the previous pregnancies from r**e as well? Have u ever thought of following up with ur kids? Ik deep down you'd want to.

3.

I know that everyone I love and care about will forever be in danger so long as I'm alive as I'm the only one he cares about finding and hurting. With me alive everyone in my life will be subjected to his torture as a way to torture me too. I know this is never going to stop.

R these ppl ur relatives or friends? How does he find and hurt ppl around u? If it's alright w/ u, could u elaborate a little more? Does he isolate u from them? How does he do it? And does he physically abuse u or ppl around u?

4.

I know I am not brave enough to hurt anyone and he's a cop so I know he's not ever going to get in trouble either.

I was going to suggest gathering evidence and then report to another cop. Would they care at all?

5.

I really appreciate the outlet.

no problem. I'm hoping i can give u advice based on ur situation and listen to ur story. Even if i can't, i want this story to b a learning experience.

 

[thedarknessofdrevil]

I'm really sad to hear your story. It's similar to my own but thankfully despite the years of abuse I haven't had any children. I can only imagine how your heart is breaking. I'm living in my 4th domestic violence refuge. Only three years running so nothing compared to what you've been through. I know how alone it feels. I want to say something to make it better but all I can say is hold on. You're stronger than you know.

Thank you. I hope you stay strong too. It's so hard. I hope you can make it through.

wow. reading ur post, if it's true, ur life's straight outta a horror movie hm? Damn like even i don't have much of an advice against ur situation. And wut pisses me off more is that U R THE ONE planning CTB even tho ur treated like crap. like i never tell ppl they can't, but it's just that from ur post it sounds tragic and y should this b the conclusion?

With tht being said i do have a few q's for u, if u don't mind:

1.


Would u tell me how this started? How did u guys get acquainted? How've u been putting up with this for a decade? How is he destroying ur life? And does he hold some kind of leverage/authority over u that ur not able to escape?

2.

How many kids do u have in total? Were the previous pregnancies from r**e as well? Have u ever thought of following up with ur kids? Ik deep down you'd want to.

3.


R these ppl ur relatives or friends? How does he find and hurt ppl around u? If it's alright w/ u, could u elaborate a little more? Does he isolate u from them? How does he do it? And does he physically abuse u or ppl around u?

4.


I was going to suggest gathering evidence and then report to another cop. Would they care at all?

5.

no problem. I'm hoping i can give u advice based on ur situation and listen to ur story. Even if i can't, i want this story to b a learning experience.

1. We met in high school. He was an adult but just young looking enough I didn't know. We met outside the school so I had assumed he was a student and he was on the hunt for a young person to latch onto. He's got a thing for kids which is disgusting.

I honestly don't know how I've been putting up with this for so long. I guess I'm just not brave enough to end it all yet. I'm sure you can imagine yourself the lengths someone would go to for revenge when angry. He's gotten me locked in psych wards, isolated me from doctors and friends and family, trafficked me to others, set up the assaults that led to my children. Messed me up psychologically to the point I feel I'm not good enough to have family or friends that care and that I deserve to be waterboarded and hung from my wrists in his closet when I hadn't left him back then yet. Now I've left he has resorted to burning doorknobs off my house with acid to get in, constantly trashing wherever I move so no landlord wants me there, finding ways to drug me when I try to go out and enjoy myself. Just so many things.

Where I live being a cop is enough leverage to get police reports and rape kits to disappear. It's enough that I'm the one in trouble even though he's got no marks on him. In the area I live cops are like God. No one is considered as important or honorable.

2. I have 3 kids. All were conceived that way yes. I want to see them but I know it's not safe. I know they'll be in danger if I do find them again because he'll hurt anyone to hurt me. I can't put my kids in danger. I love them too much to do that even though it kills me inside.

3. He is a psychological abuser to my family and friends. Gets them fired from their jobs, files false reports anonymously to get them in trouble with children's services. Leaves dead rodents on their doorsteps. Breaks in and rearranges their furniture like he did with me to let them know he's there and could hurt them at any time.

He finds these people because when he and I first started things were good. I made the mistake of introducing him to people I cared about. Worst choice of my life. He hurts me physically and I know he'd hurt anyone it took to get to me. He has no conscious.

4. Like I said above. No other cops care. They never will. Cops are royalty around here. He has so much power that when I tried to go to a different area to report the abuse he found out and permanently scarred my face by burning me.

This man will never let me go. It's why there's nothing I can do other than end it. I have been told by everyone I try to report it to or ask for help with it from that I'm making it up as there's no way this much torture could have happened to one person and still have me be able to smile and try to live. I was told by a therapist she didn't believe me because no client would be alive still and not have taken their life yet if they'd been through what I have been through. I'm not brave enough to but I know she's right that that's the only way out. Photos don't lie. My domestic violence counselor believes me and has been desperately trying to help me for all these years with no justice or freedom from him in sight. My family believes me and so do my friends. People only believe it when he sucks them into the torture or when they've seen other people who have been abused to this extent that I have been before. My domestic violence counselor said if people actually believed me when I say what I've been through that that would destroy their own sense of safety in this world and that some people are too fragile to be willing to accept this can and does happen. It's terrible. It's happening and because it's too hard for people to accept I've fallen through so many cracks to the point that ending it is the only peace I'll probably ever be able to find.

 

[LittleJem]

I've read abput cops getting away with DV. I read about it happening in USA.

I don't have the words to express my sadness that you are living this nightmare. Kudos to you for protecting your children.

 

[loyalskateboard]

I am so so sorry to hear what has been happening. I don't have much advice, but I do want to share my experience. It might make you feel less alone. Just to be clear - I wasn't the one in an abusive relationship. My mother was. She was in an abusive relationship with my father for several years and had the same thoughts that it won't stop until she's dead. He even threatened to kill all three of us. I'm not saying your situations are identical, but I want to offer some hope. My entire childhood and part of my teenager years were spent being harassed by my father. He would stalk and intimidate us. We had to move house soooo many times. I changed schools and at one point we were in emergency accommodation. We both have PTSD from him.

Despite that, we eventually got through it. It took a very long time but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have a safe and stable place to live now. A lot of people in abusive relationships do get out, even if it takes some time. I'm so sorry to hear about your children, it is horrific what happened. The entire situation is abominable and you didn't deserve any of this. It's not your fault either. It's okay to vent, and I'm so sorry that you are feeling so distraught. It's really, really hard and isolating to go through this.

I'm not sure if you'd want to considering my experience isn't what you're going through, but my dms are open. Fell free to vent or even if you just need a distraction

 

[thedarknessofdrevil]

I am so so sorry to hear what has been happening. I don't have much advice, but I do want to share my experience. It might make you feel less alone. Just to be clear - I wasn't the one in an abusive relationship. My mother was. She was in an abusive relationship with my father for several years and had the same thoughts that it won't stop until she's dead. He even threatened to kill all three of us. I'm not saying your situations are identical, but I want to offer some hope. My entire childhood and part of my teenager years were spent being harassed by my father. He would stalk and intimidate us. We had to move house soooo many times. I changed schools and at one point we were in emergency accommodation. We both have PTSD from him.

Despite that, we eventually got through it. It took a very long time but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have a safe and stable place to live now. A lot of people in abusive relationships do get out, even if it takes some time. I'm so sorry to hear about your children, it is horrific what happened. The entire situation is abominable and you didn't deserve any of this. It's not your fault either. It's okay to vent, and I'm so sorry that you are feeling so distraught. It's really, really hard and isolating to go through this.

I'm not sure if you'd want to considering my experience isn't what you're going through, but my dms are open. Fell free to vent or even if you just need a distraction

Thank you. I don't know how to dm but I would if I did. I really appreciate your kind words and sharing your experiences with me.

 

[H.O.Xan]

Thank you. I hope you stay strong too. It's so hard. I hope you can make it through.

1. We met in high school. He was an adult but just young looking enough I didn't know. We met outside the school so I had assumed he was a student and he was on the hunt for a young person to latch onto. He's got a thing for kids which is disgusting.

I honestly don't know how I've been putting up with this for so long. I guess I'm just not brave enough to end it all yet. I'm sure you can imagine yourself the lengths someone would go to for revenge when angry. He's gotten me locked in psych wards, isolated me from doctors and friends and family, trafficked me to others, set up the assaults that led to my children. Messed me up psychologically to the point I feel I'm not good enough to have family or friends that care and that I deserve to be waterboarded and hung from my wrists in his closet when I hadn't left him back then yet. Now I've left he has resorted to burning doorknobs off my house with acid to get in, constantly trashing wherever I move so no landlord wants me there, finding ways to drug me when I try to go out and enjoy myself. Just so many things.

Where I live being a cop is enough leverage to get police reports and rape kits to disappear. It's enough that I'm the one in trouble even though he's got no marks on him. In the area I live cops are like God. No one is considered as important or honorable.

2. I have 3 kids. All were conceived that way yes. I want to see them but I know it's not safe. I know they'll be in danger if I do find them again because he'll hurt anyone to hurt me. I can't put my kids in danger. I love them too much to do that even though it kills me inside.

3. He is a psychological abuser to my family and friends. Gets them fired from their jobs, files false reports anonymously to get them in trouble with children's services. Leaves dead rodents on their doorsteps. Breaks in and rearranges their furniture like he did with me to let them know he's there and could hurt them at any time.

He finds these people because when he and I first started things were good. I made the mistake of introducing him to people I cared about. Worst choice of my life. He hurts me physically and I know he'd hurt anyone it took to get to me. He has no conscious.

4. Like I said above. No other cops care. They never will. Cops are royalty around here. He has so much power that when I tried to go to a different area to report the abuse he found out and permanently scarred my face by burning me.

This man will never let me go. It's why there's nothing I can do other than end it. I have been told by everyone I try to report it to or ask for help with it from that I'm making it up as there's no way this much torture could have happened to one person and still have me be able to smile and try to live. I was told by a therapist she didn't believe me because no client would be alive still and not have taken their life yet if they'd been through what I have been through. I'm not brave enough to but I know she's right that that's the only way out. Photos don't lie. My domestic violence counselor believes me and has been desperately trying to help me for all these years with no justice or freedom from him in sight. My family believes me and so do my friends. People only believe it when he sucks them into the torture or when they've seen other people who have been abused to this extent that I have been before. My domestic violence counselor said if people actually believed me when I say what I've been through that that would destroy their own sense of safety in this world and that some people are too fragile to be willing to accept this can and does happen. It's terrible. It's happening and because it's too hard for people to accept I've fallen through so many cracks to the point that ending it is the only peace I'll probably ever be able to find.

burnt ur face off with acid?? bruh

i mean, i'd give u advice to set up cameras around your doorstep, and if he turns them off/breaks/covers them the last thing ur landlord would see is that someone else trashed the place b4 the cams cut. U can gain an ally. U can also tell them that "y would i willingly destroy the house i'm living in?" pretty convincing argument.

if it were me, i'd do all the former steps plus i'd wait for him until he breaks in and then pour acid/napalm/fried oil on his face while wearing full protection, since it sounds like he's obsessed w/ that. Give him a taste of his own medicine. But u seem too kind for that. So guess not. If he survives, get a lawyer, if not, well, douchebag removed.

And the practical thing u can do is to get new untraceable devices etc, and move somewhere far w/out notice. That has high chances of success.

That's all i can help u w/ sheesh.

 

[thedarknessofdrevil]

burnt ur face off with acid?? bruh

i mean, i'd give u advice to set up cameras around your doorstep, and if he turns them off/breaks/covers them the last thing ur landlord would see is that someone else trashed the place b4 the cams cut. U can gain an ally. U can also tell them that "y would i willingly destroy the house i'm living in?" pretty convincing argument.

if it were me, i'd do all the former steps plus i'd wait for him until he breaks in and then pour acid/napalm/fried oil on his face while wearing full protection, since it sounds like he's obsessed w/ that. Give him a taste of his own medicine. But u seem too kind for that. So guess not. If he survives, get a lawyer, if not, well, douchebag removed.

And the practical thing u can do is to get new untraceable devices etc, and move somewhere far w/out notice. That has high chances of success.

That's all i can help u w/ sheesh.

Yeah. I don't need that advice as I've done all that except the maiming before. Never works out. Buys me just enough time to make a good life before he shows up and ruins it again. It really sucks.