No sense of direction

[BadChanges]

I have myriad of health issues. I'm 33 year old man. I was given Antidepressants from 17-25 while I was still growing as I had delayed puberty.
I was given so many different medications and I had a tendency to stop cold turkey numerous times. It fucked me up. I never wanted to on medication and it wasn't for depression.. I had a crisis during that time, and from one quick shrink session was given a protocol.

I stopped at 25 and never recovered. I still deal with the implications of those meds. But the main issues is that in years past when I found something that was working, I felt slight optimism. When I had a good day, I cherished it. Nowadays, even when I have good days, it doesn't move the needle. I just don't have any motivation or will to change my life. Life just doesn't interest me. That and the constant changes in mood and physicality just gives me zero appetite for life. I know things don't last. There is no way around it and at this point in life i'm not dumb enough to convince myself otherwise.

I found a lot of stuff that work for me now. Things that would have changed a lot for me had I known about them when I was younger. But at this point, it's just a losing battle. I have missed the train, and the destination wasn't that great to begin with I suppose. I'm just sad I have missed out on the good stuff in life as I secluded myself from the world and I had a lot of good stuff going for me objectively despite my health and struggles, but you just don't care about anything when you are that stage.

I feel like I didn't get a chance to grow and figure it out during the most crucial time of my development. Feels like I got stuck at age 17-20 or something. I have no idea who I am.

I'm not even depressed. I'm not sad. I don't have anxiety. You could say I was anhedonic... But I believe people nowadays are just drugged and their view of life, is skewed. It's overly optimistic considering the state that the world is in. There is no goal or objective. People make up stuff to feel good. They become narcissistic, they change their appearance, they start to all look and act similarly. There is barely individualism.

When you can no longer operate as you wish because of health issues and some mental issues you can see the world for what it is, without distractions. I have Ehlers Danlos, Crohn's, Osteoporosis. Everything is a constant battle, and i'm not even complaining. I had issues before my body decided to completely go against me. There are core issues that can not be remedied. Sure, if I knew what I know now before I deteriorated completely I would have been in a better place. But it doesn't change things.

I just don't broadcast in the same frequency as most of the world. Could be a personality disorder, ASD and for sure a dopamine deficiency. I just don't care at this point. Figuring it out and managing it till the end of life is not worth the hassle.

 

[gbi2]

I think you view of how other people are is quite common among people who have mental health issues going by some of the therapist videos I've watched. It seems that when we don't see that there is anything to aim for, we see the people who still do very differently. It is like we are watching the world from afar and it isn't very nice to observe.

 

[BadChanges]

I think you view of how other people are is quite common among people who have mental health issues going by some of the therapist videos I've watched. It seems that when we don't see that there is anything to aim for, we see the people who still do very differently. It is like we are watching the world from afar and it isn't very nice to observe.

I'm not even jealous. I don't compare myself to anyone. I'm just indifferent.

 

[Celerity]

I'm 30 and have very similar feelings. Feels like I missed the boat. I can forgive myself to a degree for my career failures. Tons of people with lives worth living fucked that up too. But I am lonely as hell with not even a single close friend to call my own anymore. As far as dating is concerned, I have held hands and kissed, and that is it. It's mind-boggling to me that I have reached the age I have and yet still do not know if I would even enjoy sex.

 

[BadChanges]

I'm 30 and have very similar feelings. Feels like I missed the boat. I can forgive myself to a degree for my career failures. Tons of people with lives worth living fucked that up too. But I am lonely as hell with not even a single close friend to call my own anymore. As far as dating is concerned, I have held hands and kissed, and that is it. It's mind-boggling to me that I have reached the age I have and yet still do not know if I would even enjoy sex.

I'm sorry friend. Sounds tough. But perhaps you didn't miss that much :/

The issue with relationships for me is that I can not maintain them because of my instability. I can get withdrawn for periods until I can get the feeling back. It's like i'm passionate and really into the person, and then I lose interest or get depressed and need a few days alone. It can't work in a relationship, so Instead of hurting myself and my partner, I decided that I can not be in a relationship.

I used to be pretty good at sex and took pride in it, but now I have ED and so I feel like I completely lost my edge. There is nothing to sell anymore.

 

[Celerity]

I'm sorry friend. Sounds tough. But perhaps you didn't miss that much :/

The issue with relationships for me is that I can not maintain them because of my instability. I can get withdrawn for periods until I can get the feeling back. It's like i'm passionate and really into the person, and then I lose interest or get depressed and need a few days alone. It can't work in a relationship, so Instead of hurting myself and my partner, I decided that I can not be in a relationship.

I used to be pretty good at sex and took pride in it, but now I have ED and so I feel like I completely lost my edge. There is nothing to sell anymore.

How many relationships have you been in? Does the therapist have any insight on the pattern of attachment and withdrawal you describe? As for the ED, that has to be awful. Women have lots of sexual disorders as well but only a few niche cases that completely preclude penetrative sex. Is it a side effect of the medication you're taking?

 

[BadChanges]

How many relationships have you been in? Does the therapist have any insight on the pattern of attachment and withdrawal you describe? As for the ED, that has to be awful. Women have lots of sexual disorders as well but only a few niche cases that completely preclude penetrative sex. Is it a side effect of the medication you're taking?

I do not know what counts as many relationships. I have been in a few.. never could maintain them. If I had to guess I'm an avoidant type.
For example, I had a relationship with a beautiful woman.. we started off casual just talking about whatever.. I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I did want a companion because I was lonely at the time. As we continued to talk she developed feelings and so she wanted to meet. I was too afraid to meet her for almost a year. I was too afraid of rejection. During that time we had fights as a result of my avoidance. I felt like I was not good enough. Eventually she put an ultimatum and we decided to meet. Our first time meeting was magical. I was so relieved.. I thought that finally I could be myself and just enjoy the relationship. Little did I know about the fact that self doubts can manifest all the time. Especially when you have a lack of self.

I have doubts creep on me all the time, not just about myself, but about my relationship with her, as she wasn't easy to deal with as well. She has CPTSD and it's really tough dealing with so much stuff when you have your own issues to deal with, especially if the other person only wants you to take care of their own problems.

I could go from being attracted to her like a mother fucker to not caring at all. But that also coincided with total apathy towards everything. I'll give you an example, I have this issue where I become depressed after ejaculation. This actually made me not wanna cum. Cause I know what would happen next. I become depressed and that may lead to a fight.

During sex I was very attentive. I made her feel special. She has endometriosis which makes penetrative sex painful sometimes. Depends on a lot of factors. However, I made sure to take care of that and do what it takes. Now that I have ED which my dick used to be my sense of pride, I just don't see the point. It's tough to deal with it as a man. The periods of low sex drive and now a functional problem that prevents me from having good sex? No thanks. I'd rather just be alone, especially if the woman has a high sex drive. You keep yourself safe when you are alone, the amount of turmoil I had during the timeframe is not worth the high. Though being alone as you get older gets harder with each passing day.

I do not take any medication. I believe it stems from an issue with my pelvic floor and some hormonal imbalance.

The core issue is me. It is just compounded by certain personalities I suppose.

 

[Celerity]

I do not know what counts as many relationships. I have been in a few.. never could maintain them. If I had to guess I'm an avoidant type.
For example, I had a relationship with a beautiful woman.. we started off casual just talking about whatever.. I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I did want a companion because I was lonely at the time. As we continued to talk she developed feelings and so she wanted to meet. I was too afraid to meet her for almost a year. I was too afraid of rejection. During that time we had fights as a result of my avoidance. I felt like I was not good enough. Eventually she put an ultimatum and we decided to meet. Our first time meeting was magical. I was so relieved.. I thought that finally I could be myself and just enjoy the relationship. Little did I know about the fact that self doubts can manifest all the time. Especially when you have a lack of self.

I have doubts creep on me all the time, not just about myself, but about my relationship with her, as she wasn't easy to deal with as well. She has CPTSD and it's really tough dealing with so much stuff when you have your own issues to deal with, especially if the other person only wants you to take care of their own problems.

I could go from being attracted to her like a mother fucker to not caring at all. But that also coincided with total apathy towards everything. I'll give you an example, I have this issue where I become depressed after ejaculation. This actually made me not wanna cum. Cause I know what would happen next. I become depressed and that may lead to a fight.

During sex I was very attentive. I made her feel special. She has endometriosis which makes penetrative sex painful sometimes. Depends on a lot of factors. However, I made sure to take care of that and do what it takes. Now that I have ED which my dick used to be my sense of pride, I just don't see the point. It's tough to deal with it as a man. The periods of low sex drive and now a functional problem that prevents me from having good sex? No thanks. I'd rather just be alone, especially if the woman has a high sex drive. You keep yourself safe when you are alone, the amount of turmoil I had during the timeframe is not worth the high. Though being alone as you get older gets harder with each passing day.

I do not take any medication. I believe it stems from an issue with my pelvic floor and some hormonal imbalance.

The core issue is me. It is just compounded by certain personalities I suppose.

That sounds like a lot. I'm sorry. I suspect I may be avoidant too, though I have never experienced that in the context of a relationship. I just know I tend to chase people I can't have for multiple reasons (in a relationship already, authority figures, emotionally distant, etc.). I also know that, one time, when a guy I was interested in finally asked me out, I immediately lost interest in him. I tried to make it work and went on a couple of dates with him, but it fizzled out pretty quickly. Kissing him felt like an out-of-body experience in a bad way.

 

[BadChanges]

That sounds like a lot. I'm sorry. I suspect I may be avoidant too, though I have never experienced that in the context of a relationship. I just know I tend to chase people I can't have for multiple reasons (in a relationship already, authority figures, emotionally distant, etc.). I also know that, one time, when a guy I was interested in finally asked me out, I immediately lost interest in him. I tried to make it work and went on a couple of dates with him, but it fizzled out pretty quickly. Kissing him felt like an out-of-body experience in a bad way.

It's tough. Do you know what makes you feel that way? How do you view yourself physically?
I think it's tough for females to feel intimate more than men.

 

[Celerity]

It's tough. Do you know what makes you feel that way? How do you view yourself physically?
I think it's tough for females to feel intimate more than men.

As far as the avoidance goes, I think it's likely a result of how I was raised. Like many on here, I didn't have the best home life. As for the out-of-body experience, I am not sure. When I kissed another guy I dated briefly, I did not feel the same repulsion. He was a good kisser, if a little pushy. Maybe it's because he was physically smaller than the other guy, so I was less intimidated? He was also really pretty and had even modeled in the past. Just spit-balling because I honestly don't know.

How I view myself physically has improved a lot over the years. I have had enough experience with men to know that I am reasonably attractive even if I could stand to lose a few pounds. I have also aged well. Most people think I am younger than I am.