Venting No Reason to Live but I Keep Going

[EdgeofRevival]

Lately, suicide has been the only thing on my mind. I do not think I deserve life, nor do I think I can magically make it better after suffering all my life and wanting to kill myself for 8 years. I have attempted suicide, and failed miserably on multiple occassion. My family does not love me, and after I told my friends about the possibility of me having BPD, they've all stopped caring. Same with the girl I've been dating. I do not have any desire to continue. Yet, for some reason, I keep putting it off. I'll create some reason as to why I should kill myself later and not now. Whenever I have attempted, I always hesitate in my method and run to the hospital to avoid further damage. It feels like it's easier for other people to die than it is for me. I'm poor, I'm mentally and chronically ill, everyone always leaves me, and my parents don't love me. So why do I keep searching for excuses?

 

[Zegers]

Same, i feel so lonely and fucked up but here I am, hopefully not much longer.

 

[Achlys]

The excuses never seem to stop coming. It is too exhausting ever-wavering on the edge of indecision.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I don't think it's easy for anyone to die, to take their own life.

I think you keep searching for excuses because you still have a glimmer of hope within you, that maybe things can still get better. It's not easy to get to the point where all hope is gone. It's not something you can speed up just by willing it to happen. It happens when it happens, if it happens at all.

 

[Teenytiny]

I completely relate I tried to kill myself my girlfriend just waited to see if I survived or not she didn't even call an ambulance unfortunately I did obviously not one person gives a fuck about me but I'm so tired of unsuccessful attempts that hurt and make me so sick I just want a quick painless way out

 

[FuneralCry]

Even know we want to die, we are all programmed to survive. Ctb can be very difficult and of course if it was easier to leave, I would be already gone. I'm sorry that you have had to endure a life filled with suffering. Existence is so cruel and it is sad how so much pain exists. I hope that you find freedom from your struggle.

 

[SuicidalSheep]

A combination of survival instinct, fear of failure/pain, being mildly interested in sometimes, and a desire for things to be better. It's a huge commitment to ctb.

 

[hellispink]

It must be very difficult to be dealing with all these emotions and the uncertainty that it brings. I have this personality disorder, I know what a torment life and nightmare can look like. I also am alone, I don't have family. I understand how horrible it must be to be alive. There is a moment when one loses all will to live, one is dead inside yet the fear of what is ahead prevents us from acting. I hope you can figure out what your next step is in whatever decision you take.

 

[Braindead Atheist]

Lately, suicide has been the only thing on my mind. I do not think I deserve life, nor do I think I can magically make it better after suffering all my life and wanting to kill myself for 8 years. I have attempted suicide, and failed miserably on multiple occassion. My family does not love me, and after I told my friends about the possibility of me having BPD, they've all stopped caring. Same with the girl I've been dating. I do not have any desire to continue. Yet, for some reason, I keep putting it off. I'll create some reason as to why I should kill myself later and not now. Whenever I have attempted, I always hesitate in my method and run to the hospital to avoid further damage. It feels like it's easier for other people to die than it is for me. I'm poor, I'm mentally and chronically ill, everyone always leaves me, and my parents don't love me. So why do I keep searching for excuses?

I have the same thing. It's just fear of pain before oblivion and wanted to splurge on pleasure before everything is over. I'm bored constantly and at the same time overwhelmed. I have adhd and retardation. I try to up pleasure and stimulation but its never enough. At the same time im to slow to succeed in the job world and my parents are forcing me to be on my own. Im unhappy at work no matter what I do. I'm tired of being expected to do what I can't. So if you just think about how done you are in the moment of trying to kill yourself then you'll be more likely to go through with it. We can kill ourselves together if you want.

 

[September Salt]

Life is horrible for many of us but that doesn't mean CTB is easy either. For one thing there's no perfect method. So your reluctance is understandable and in my opinion, admirable. Part of you still wants to see if you can make things better. I hope you can. Good luck.