Venting No "Real" Friends

[Golden-Ivory]

Hi all,
i kinda couldnt think where is best to post this so i thought off topic would be best place might need to change if not.

This is my first post so sorry if ive not formatted it right.

Bassicly ive been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while now and several times including last few days really came close to CTB but i havnt been doing it as i recieve these very long msgs from my friends on discord who tell me how my death will affect them and its unfair on them, this typically stops me doing anything and im apoligising to them for several hours only for them to go back to never dming or wanting to talk to me and typically responding with just emotes.

One of the main triggers for me has been a crippling loneliness

I guess my point is, should i just go ahead anyway or try i dunno as looking for new friends has been very difficult

Sorry if im just moaning or sounding stupid

Thx for reading

 

[Yomyom]

I really understand you, it's like my all life I didn't understand what I'm doing wrong from everybody else.

There was a time that I really wished for a good friend, but after some time I got use to be lonely, it's kind of fun for me

I don't really know what to suggest you, its really annoying situation and maybe Therapist can help you improve your Social skills

Any way, if you want to talk I'm here most of the time.
I wish you peace and I hope you'll recover

 

[Golden-Ivory]

Thanks thats sweet wish you the same as well ^_^

Ive tried therapy twice and well where i live these are the only therapists avalible and one regularly forgot my name and had no intrest helping people and second required funding to be approved by nhs finance which was contiously denied

 

[Yomyom]

Thanks thats sweet wish you the same as well ^_^

Ive tried therapy twice and well where i live these are the only therapists avalible and one regularly forgot my name and had no intrest helping people and second required funding to be approved by nhs finance which was contiously denied

Have you checked if your health care Gives you access to psychological and psychiatric treatment?

Choosing a good therapists is very hard, and usually takes time

Full Disclosure- I never went to Psychologist or psychiatrist so I don't know how it's really like but I heard a lot of people complain about this kind of stuff

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Since you're to the point that you're considering ctb, you've got nothing to lose by DMing those same people and saying words to the effect of: "Okay, you told me how you would be affected. Now I'd like to tell you how I'm being affected since then. In addition, this is what I seek in a relationship, are you willing to make this kind of effort, and do you desire to? If not, why should I invest in the effort to continue suffering and survive so that you experience well-being, when I do not see reciprocity in any kind of investment in my well-being? Unless I'm missing something, it seems as if your wants have more to do with you than with me, so I'm finding it difficult to make them a priority when I do not feel that I am a priority for you -- would you be willing to clarify if I have misunderstood?"

 

[Golden-Ivory]

Since you're to the point that you're considering ctb, you've got nothing to lose by DMing those same people and saying words to the effect of: "Okay, you told me how you would be affected. Now I'd like to tell you how I'm being affected since then. In addition, this is what I seek in a relationship, are you willing to make this kind of effort, and do you desire to? If not, why should I invest in the effort to continue suffering and survive so that you experience well-being, when I do not see reciprocity in any kind of investment in my well-being? Unless I'm missing something, it seems as if your wants have more to do with you than with me, so I'm finding it difficult to make them a priority when I do not feel that I am a priority for you -- would you be willing to clarify if I have misunderstood?"

I have said something to that effect and im either met with complete silence or a angry response as to me making it about myself

Kinda a no win scenario with most of them

Thank you for the advice ^_^

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Listen to what GoodPersonEffed said ...

The day I realized the dynamics of what was going on between me and my friends when discussing my problems, I was disgusted with myself for ever having accepted the position of defence they constantly maneuvered me into, where I make apologies for how my feelings make them feel. If they want to expect me to continue living for their sake, then they should set their expectations in proportion to their ability and willingness to live my life and solve my problems for me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have said something to that effect and im either met with complete silence or a angry response as to me making it about myself

Kinda a no win scenario with most of them

Thank you for the advice ^_^

Good on you for trying, now they've proven themselves. They're not friends, they're self-absorbed and emotionally illiterate. It takes a lot of inner strength to be able to confront someone and a lot of clarity to recognize the shittiness and imbalance, at least in my opinion.

I don't think others can answer for you whether to ctb or try to find new friends, or shift focus and try something else new, or try something old in a new way. But it doesn't sound to me like you're ready to stop your existence yet if you're questioning it, more like you're considering it. You don't have to make any decisions yet, you can spend time with all of them, exploring and considering. Each one may tell you something different about yourself or that you didn't expect.

Those are my thoughts, no pressure to take them as advice.

 

[Golden-Ivory]

Good on you for trying, now they've proven themselves. They're not friends, they're self-absorbed and emotionally illiterate. It takes a lot of inner strength to be able to confront someone and a lot of clarity to recognize the shittiness and imbalance, at least in my opinion.

I don't think others can answer for you whether to ctb or try to find new friends, or shift focus and try something else new, or try something old in a new way. But it doesn't sound to me like you're ready to stop your existence yet if you're questioning it, more like you're considering it. You don't have to make any decisions yet, you can spend time with all of them, exploring and considering. Each one may tell you something different about yourself or that you didn't expect.

Those are my thoughts, no pressure to take them as advice.

Im gonna try make new friends as i guess for me the reason im always so lonely is due to these "friends" never really wanting me around until im at wits end.

Thank you for your help <3