Venting no patience and no idea how to help anyone

[author]

i feel like a shit person for having basically no patience left and no emotional availability.

my friends had vaguely talked about the idea of saving up to move in together, so i wanted to pitch the idea for real. and one of my friends took the opportunity to explode about how much their current living situation sucks. and man i get it. i really really fucking get it. but im like. all your problems have solutions. we can work through this. but they're in the mindset of like, nothing i say will help. and i don't know if they just need to get it all out because it doesn't seem to help. and im just kind of at a loss.

i just wanted to talk about planning for the future and now im in a really awkward position hearing someone talk about how much their life sucks and how inescapable it is. and again. man. i super fucking get it. but dude. your problems are not an inescapable prison. i can literally make you a step by step plan right now for nearly every problem you're talking about. and i feel like that might be insensitive but when i care about someone i want to help them in a tangible way.

i dont wanna see my friend struggle, but man. omg. i cant seem to deal with people when they're in the state of like. misery where nothing you say will make them any less miserable. like anything you say will make things worse but if you don't say anything that also makes it worse. nothing gets through and they push back on even the softest things. and it's a constant lose/lose. i feel bad that my only thought process in the moment was literally "i feel so bad for you and i really want to help but please, please stop exploding. like please just stop." like i just can't handle it. thankfully i didn't say that but it's all i could think.

i dont fuckin know what to do for this type of situation. i dont want to "sorry that sucks" someone but they outright said "pitching me solutions is going to make me feel worse" so it's like, what else do i do? all i can say is "im sorry, i don't want to see you struggle like this and i really hope you at least feel a bit better later". and it makes me feel like shit.

i get that im kinda hypocritical here too. because i do vent. but i think the difference is that i prefer people to talk to me when im venting and like, engage me in conversation. it helps me come down and ground myself to actually talk to someone and have them talk back. and i get not everyone is like that but this friend is like, exploding and both words and silence seem to make it worse. and getting it out doesn't seem to be the end of it for them, they just keep spiraling. and it's like. i don't know what to do. there's nothing i can do that won't make it worse.

 

[Graveyardly]

i feel like a shit person for having basically no patience left and no emotional availability.

my friends had vaguely talked about the idea of saving up to move in together, so i wanted to pitch the idea for real. and one of my friends took the opportunity to explode about how much their current living situation sucks. and man i get it. i really really fucking get it. but im like. all your problems have solutions. we can work through this. but they're in the mindset of like, nothing i say will help. and i don't know if they just need to get it all out because it doesn't seem to help. and im just kind of at a loss.

i just wanted to talk about planning for the future and now im in a really awkward position hearing someone talk about how much their life sucks and how inescapable it is. and again. man. i super fucking get it. but dude. your problems are not an inescapable prison. i can literally make you a step by step plan right now for nearly every problem you're talking about. and i feel like that might be insensitive but when i care about someone i want to help them in a tangible way.

i dont wanna see my friend struggle, but man. omg. i cant seem to deal with people when they're in the state of like. misery where nothing you say will make them any less miserable. like anything you say will make things worse but if you don't say anything that also makes it worse. nothing gets through and they push back on even the softest things. and it's a constant lose/lose. i feel bad that my only thought process in the moment was literally "i feel so bad for you and i really want to help but please, please stop exploding. like please just stop." like i just can't handle it. thankfully i didn't say that but it's all i could think.

i dont fuckin know what to do for this type of situation. i dont want to "sorry that sucks" someone but they outright said "pitching me solutions is going to make me feel worse" so it's like, what else do i do? all i can say is "im sorry, i don't want to see you struggle like this and i really hope you at least feel a bit better later". and it makes me feel like shit.

i get that im kinda hypocritical here too. because i do vent. but i think the difference is that i prefer people to talk to me when im venting and like, engage me in conversation. it helps me come down and ground myself to actually talk to someone and have them talk back. and i get not everyone is like that but this friend is like, exploding and both words and silence seem to make it worse. and getting it out doesn't seem to be the end of it for them, they just keep spiraling. and it's like. i don't know what to do. there's nothing i can do that won't make it worse.

Okay first off I think it's normal you don't how to handle all of that. If someone trauma dumped on me or kept going in depressive self-pity circles, I'd probably just watch and try not to be mean.

Those things take professionals, and even then some psychiatrists aren't equipped that well with dealing with the primal "I'm going to die I feel like I'm going to die there's no escape".

I hate to say it because I've been on the other side of that stick many times, but they have to keep it under control and present it to professionals. As casual relationships are not equipped at all with the tools necessary to fix or even communicate wounds that may be deep. Like I said everybody's got to learn it, but we live in a society where everyone looks out for their own survival emotionally. And we can't afford to get bogged down by baggage's of other people, even if we feel empathy towards them. Misery shouldn't be shared with others. It is here on SaSu but that's a bit particular.

Some people DEMAND emotional attention from others, and you giving it is not a good feedback loop. Cause they're going to come back. So yeah, don't feel bad at all, and that from someone who's been that guy. He's just in a really dark place but he needs to figure out where the shrink is.