Venting no ones here anymore

[exhaustedanonymous]

i'm really sorry if i'm doing something wrong when i post this. i reread all the rules and tried to do all the right things but whenever i do anything i think that i'm doing it wrong, so i'm sorry if this is wrong, i tried my best but clearly my best, the deepest most honest effort i have, was never enough anywhere else so maybe even here it's no different. please be gentle if i did do something wrong, i can fix it or i can just go

i used to have people who cared about me and who would listen, one person in particular, but i'm such a disgusting excuse for a person i drove everyone- especially her- away. i weighed her and all of them down and i drained their energy and time. i just want all of this to be over. i'm in the process of getting diagnosed with a personality disorder, maybe, (bpd), and it really does seem like i have it, and my mood swings are just getting unbearable and theres no one to talk too or listen or help anymore. pro-lifers are always screaming that i need to reach out for help and i have hundreds of times and now i'm just too tired. no one stays, everything moves. living means accepting that nothing lasts forever, and that means i can't handle living. i was in six different schools, four different therapists but a lot more doctors (none of which even took me seriously, because i don't "seem" suicidal enough) bounced off in tens of friend groups, and now the one person i wanted to stay so bad- her- she's gone. she left with everything else.

i don't.. want to be here anymore. suicide lifelines are just even more exhausting, none of them help at all. nothing helps. when i try to "distract myself" i just feel like a fraud until i break and cry harder all over again. there's nothing anymore. i just want someone, i just want her to listen and sit with me. i don't want her to do anything. i just want her to hear me and say she cares and stay for just a little little bit longer but i'm sure, even if she was gracious enough to do that for me, for the sake of old times, i'd mess it up all over again.

it's not her fault, obviously. i've been suicide since like third grade, long long before i met her. i hope she doesn't think it's her fault. all i can think about is wonder if she'd try to come to the funeral, but ever since i moved i think i'm too far away for that. i don't think she would. that makes me a little bit calmer, because I have my method picked and things and she wouldn't have to see me all weird looking dead.

does anyone else feel like this? does anyone else want someone to hear to bad? at this point there's no saving me i don't think, but i just want to tell people about my method and about how scared i am and just.. whatever. i want to go home so bad.

i guess this could be my introduction to the forum, i guess. i'm a newbie. i hope i didn't do anything wrong by posting this. i hope it's not in the wrong category or considered off topic. i don't know what else to do. i want someone to hold my hand.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

i'm in the process of getting diagnosed with a personality disorder, maybe, (bpd), and it really does seem like i have it, and my mood swings are just getting unbearable and theres no one to talk too or listen or help anymore.

Im in the exact same boat, just waiting on a consultation and Ill know if thats the right diagnosis for me in a little under two weeks
But my therapist agrees I share pretty much all the symptoms so regardless, it matches
Even if its not accurate the symptoms I do share make being social, being in a relationship keeping friends, all of it virtually impossible

and now the one person i wanted to stay so bad- her- she's gone. she left with everything else.

And I relate way too much to this, too... its been three years and im still crying over my 'her'
still missing her every chance my mind gets to wander, still regretting all my mistakes
would still do anything to have her back- but theres nothing that would changer her mind even if I could get ahold of her
Legitimately I dont think Ive felt actual comfort since she left
I know for sure I havent felt cared for
Its just been a constant downward spiral since she left and nothing Ive done has worked to slow it

It doesnt help she was suicidal before I was... it feels like karma
I should have treated her better
and now I finally know how she felt spending every day wanting to CTB, in agony I couldnt understand at the time, just wishing I could have actually been there for her like I wanted
instead of just begging her to stay so I wouldnt wind up alone like I always do



Yeah
That sense of loneliness was one of the reasons I even joined this place, I cant really talk to anyone else about half this shit, not even my therapist for fear of being hospitalized
I thought it would bring some comfort being able to open up about things I just havent had anyone to talk to about in years
In a way it does, dont get me wrong
But I wish it helped with the loneliness half as much as I hoped it would
I wish It didnt still feel like Im barely here, like Im a ghost
i guess only one person could ever change that though so
not going to happen

And I think youre fine, no rule-breaking I can see

 

[mold]

everything you wrote resonated with me so much. everything you said hit really close to home. i understand exactly how you feel and it feels fucking horrible, especially when you reach out for help multiple times, over and over and get nothing helpful whatsoever. just know you're not alone in how you feel about everything that you feel now and that no matter what choices you make you will never be alone. peace and love friend

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

And I relate way too much to this, too... its been three years and im still crying over my 'her'
still missing her every chance my mind gets to wander, still regretting all my mistakes
would still do anything to have her back- but theres nothing that would changer her mind even if I could get ahold of her
Legitimately I dont think Ive felt actual comfort since she left

i've never heard anyone else have an experience like me like you do

It doesnt help she was suicidal before I was... it feels like karma

we were both suicidal together which honestly just makes it worse because she's strong and she's growing and she's so, so admirable and she beat the thoughts and now she has a friend group and she's flourishing and i wasn't worth the effort she was spending trying to get me to be okay like she is now.
i'm hopeless and she knew it too
i begged her last night and she let me fall asleep on call with her. neither of us talked but i just know she doesn't care about me anymore, she realized i was wasting all her efforts and she would be better off and now she is and i don't.. i don't know. i just need to figure out how to get sn. n is the dream, obviously, but i don't think i can reach it anymore. she knows i'm going to die and she gave up and i'm super unreasonably bitter about it because a tiny voice in my head is still saying everything would be okay if she just stayed, but i know it's not. she doesnt want me. i wasted her time. i just want it to be all over now.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You've done nothing wrong posting this here. People sometimes can get a bit specific about what thread should go in what section but overall, I would say the majority of people are very kind and supportive here. You've also landed on the right section I would humbly say as well- so- no worries there.

I'm so sorry and sad for your situation. I think in some ways it can actually feel worse to find someone you feel as though you can rely on, only to lose them. I wish I knew what to say to help. All I can really say is that there are many people here who will read your thoughts and feelings with concern. It's not the same as having someone in real life I know but I hope you can find some comfort here. Sending you a virtual hug.

 

[pauly1963]

i'm really sorry if i'm doing something wrong when i post this. i reread all the rules and tried to do all the right things but whenever i do anything i think that i'm doing it wrong, so i'm sorry if this is wrong, i tried my best but clearly my best, the deepest most honest effort i have, was never enough anywhere else so maybe even here it's no different. please be gentle if i did do something wrong, i can fix it or i can just go

i used to have people who cared about me and who would listen, one person in particular, but i'm such a disgusting excuse for a person i drove everyone- especially her- away. i weighed her and all of them down and i drained their energy and time. i just want all of this to be over. i'm in the process of getting diagnosed with a personality disorder, maybe, (bpd), and it really does seem like i have it, and my mood swings are just getting unbearable and theres no one to talk too or listen or help anymore. pro-lifers are always screaming that i need to reach out for help and i have hundreds of times and now i'm just too tired. no one stays, everything moves. living means accepting that nothing lasts forever, and that means i can't handle living. i was in six different schools, four different therapists but a lot more doctors (none of which even took me seriously, because i don't "seem" suicidal enough) bounced off in tens of friend groups, and now the one person i wanted to stay so bad- her- she's gone. she left with everything else.

i don't.. want to be here anymore. suicide lifelines are just even more exhausting, none of them help at all. nothing helps. when i try to "distract myself" i just feel like a fraud until i break and cry harder all over again. there's nothing anymore. i just want someone, i just want her to listen and sit with me. i don't want her to do anything. i just want her to hear me and say she cares and stay for just a little little bit longer but i'm sure, even if she was gracious enough to do that for me, for the sake of old times, i'd mess it up all over again.

it's not her fault, obviously. i've been suicide since like third grade, long long before i met her. i hope she doesn't think it's her fault. all i can think about is wonder if she'd try to come to the funeral, but ever since i moved i think i'm too far away for that. i don't think she would. that makes me a little bit calmer, because I have my method picked and things and she wouldn't have to see me all weird looking dead.

does anyone else feel like this? does anyone else want someone to hear to bad? at this point there's no saving me i don't think, but i just want to tell people about my method and about how scared i am and just.. whatever. i want to go home so bad.

i guess this could be my introduction to the forum, i guess. i'm a newbie. i hope i didn't do anything wrong by posting this. i hope it's not in the wrong category or considered off topic. i don't know what else to do. i want someone to hold my hand.

I'm 58 years old, and have been through all that you are going through right now. I suffer from untreatable clinical depression that finally turned into anhedonia. I've learned through the years that so-called "normal" people are incapable of understanding mental illness, and the torment that sufferers go through. I've also learned through bitter experience that it's best not to expect anything from anyone, or get too attached to people. Also never feel guilty for anything that results from your illness, mood swings etc, because it is NOT your fault. It is just stupid brain chemistry and all of it's shitfuckery playing it's games. I've given up trying to talk to anyone about my illness because ONLY someone else who is suffering from mental illness can truly understand what you are going through. I'm so sorry you are having to endure this, it is often harrowing when others won't listen, or even try and understand. I find communicating with others on this forum the best form of therapy, because they are like kindred spirits who truly understand the agony of mental illness, and the agony of existence. Hugs.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

I'm so sorry you are having to endure this, it is often harrowing when others won't listen, or even try and understand.

you're right.. but, this forum is making me feel.. well, not better, but calmer. people are actually listening which is something no one in real life ever tries to do. i'm not sure if you've ever gotten this, but it's sort of comforting in a weird way hearing your story as someone whose a lot younger. i could try to explain why i say that but it probably won't make sense. but all what i mean is, i'm glad you're here

 

[pauly1963]

you're right.. but, this forum is making me feel.. well, not better, but calmer. people are actually listening which is something no one in real life ever tries to do. i'm not sure if you've ever gotten this, but it's sort of comforting in a weird way hearing your story as someone whose a lot younger. i could try to explain why i say that but it probably won't make sense. but all what i mean is, i'm glad you're here

I understand 100 % what you mean, and what you are saying does make sense. I always find it comforting that other people out there in that dreadful world are going through the same thing, but not in a negative way obviously. It's comforting because it makes me feel less alone in my daily struggles. Almost like a hive mind of suffering amongst the insanity of society that fails to understand us.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope you find a way to ease your struggles.