Venting No one cares if you die when you're an unattractive woman

[ThriveOrDie]

I realize the OP was not about dating but the thread went a little off the rails so here is my two cents. My last bf was a model when he was younger….incredibly handsome as a young man and still handsome when I met him but he wasn't a shallow person. I'm average. His son was the same…could have been a model but he liked dating ugly girls.

I also had some handsome guy friends in middle school and high school who I never thought I would have a chance with. One of them was voted most handsome in my class. When I grew up I saw that they had wives that were less attractive than me, borderline ugly. And on further thought I realized these guys used to flirt with me and I had no clue.

 

[Messgram]

As I said, I know looks can be an impediment to finding romantic love. And bullies will be bullies. I was bullied for a specific part of my appearance when I was little. Bullies are obviously not trying to make friends with you. But if you find someone with similar interests and who you click with, what you look like doesn't matter.

You seem to contradict yourself a lot in your statements.
First, you claim that ugliness cannot be blamed for the lack of relationships, but then you agrees that such a defect leads to low self-esteem and social phobia - both of which are quite decisive in our social performance.
Regarding your answer, I'm sure if I was pretty I wouldn't have been bullied and rejected in my class, I probably wouldn't even be here...
In every of my classes, uglies were always the outcasts unless they had above average charisma.
Attractive people, especially women, are automatically idolized in society, no matter how dull they are.

But if you find someone with similar interests and who you click with, what you look like doesn't matter.

Beauty still matters. Even if I meet this person in question, it still doesn't deny that our relationship would be a lot easier to handle if I were handsome.

 

[Ta555]

You seem to contradict yourself a lot in your statements.
First, you claim that ugliness cannot be blamed for the lack of relationships, but then you agrees that such a defect leads to low self-esteem and social phobia - both of which are quite decisive in your social performance.
Regarding your answer, I'm sure if I was pretty I wouldn't have been bullied and rejected in my class, I probably wouldn't even be here...
In every of my classes, uglies were always the outcasts unless they had above average charisma.
Attractive people, especially women, are automatically idolized in society, no matter how dull they are.

Beauty still matters. Even if I meet this person in question, it still doesn't deny that our relationship would be a lot easier to handle if I were handsome.

I'm not contradicting myself. The way I read OP's post is they imply no one cares about them because they are ugly. If someone has low self-esteem or social phobia because of their ugliness that's not people rejecting them, that's their own fears of rejection. Very few people will reject to be friends with someone based on their looks. Bullies will always bully those who are different but to say 'No one will be friends with me or care about me because I am ugly' is very inaccurate. The vast majority of people aren't like this. So if someone can't make friends because of social phobia or the like that's a whole separate issue from people not wanting to be friends with them.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I read a post today that said people (even women) don't like talking to ugly women and see it as a waste of time. And it's true all my life I have been ignored, never had friends, people don't even say hi to me. At best, they pity me and talk to me like I'm a retarded child. As an ugly woman, I'll always be alone. I will never experience love, romance, sex, or friendship. Is this a life worth living?
And I'm sick of people telling me to go to therapy. I did therapy for years and even took antidepressants. But therapy and drugs cant help when your life objectively sucks. People like me need real friends who genuinely like you and enjoy spending time with you. Not a person who is paid to pretend to listen to you and fake sympathy for 45 minutes.
It's cruel to keep a person who is deprived of all things that make humans happy alive. Something that hurts me a lot is that no one will mourn my death. Usually, when a young woman dies everyone says she was beautiful and it was a waste for her to die. But in my case, everyone will be like meh nothing of value was lost. So, basically being ugly makes me worthless.

@angelhealing, Your looks are not important,Your personality is more important than your physical appearance! I'd rather be with a Woman who was emotionally compatible with a brain and who l could enjoy a laugh with than a supermodel with the emotional range of a retarded duck!

 

[Messgram]

I'm not contradicting myself. The way I read OP's post is they imply no one cares about them because they are ugly. If someone has low self-esteem or social phobia because of their ugliness that's not people rejecting them, that's their own fears of rejection.

Low self steem doesn't come out of nowhere Such a condition most of the time is the result of the contempt of the people around, even their family. Even if their family and friends say they care about them, treating them with some indifference because of the way they look is still contempt and rejection, which can lead to many issues.

Very few people will reject to be friends with someone based on their looks. Bullies will always bully those who are different but to say 'No one will be friends with me or care about me because I am ugly' is very inaccurate. The vast majority of people aren't like this. So if someone can't make friends because of social phobia or the like that's a whole separate issue from people not wanting to be friends with them.

Thats not a separate issue. It's like saying that a country's lack of education and criminality are separate problems, when the two are obviously very correlated.
My point was never that ugly people can't make friends or date, but that beauty is a very decisive factor in anyone's life.

 

[Foresight]

Anyone who denies the importance of looks lacks insight. People not only consciously care about appearance, it's also an unconscious feature of our species.

It's not everything, there is more to the story, but anyone who is ugly will face unique difficulties. Sometimes the rejection is significant. Sometimes people can navigate their way around it. It's everyday rejection and sometimes repulsion that a beautiful person will have no understanding of and will never have to process. It will impact employment, dating, ability to make friends, and most importantly self image.

I'm not contradicting myself. The way I read OP's post is they imply no one cares about them because they are ugly. If someone has low self-esteem or social phobia because of their ugliness that's not people rejecting them, that's their own fears of rejection. Very few people will reject to be friends with someone based on their looks. Bullies will always bully those who are different but to say 'No one will be friends with me or care about me because I am ugly' is very inaccurate. The vast majority of people aren't like this. So if someone can't make friends because of social phobia or the like that's a whole separate issue from people not wanting to be friends with them.

We view ourselves largely from the scope of our interactions with others. If most people you meet are repulsed by you it becomes difficult to cultivate self love. Disgust is actually a deep psychological function, it's not simple at all. Social phobia for many people is not entirely self-derived, it's from the accumulation of bad experiences with others.

You can be ugly and cultivate other aspects of your personality. You can work on your humor, your intelligence, your interests, your demeanor, etc. That can get you by but you very much so have to process the fact that you're usually negatively judged upon first sight. You can be too ugly too. There is a level of ugly that will be very harshly rejected, but that is more rare.

 

[summers]

Everyone loses their attractiveness as they age, so we all get on more of an equal footing as we get old.

This is the exact reason I'm going to ctb soon. Honestly, I'm probably 5 years or so late to the party.
@angelhealing maybe you're being too hard on yourself, maybe not. But I can say I don't care how someone looks - I have friends because of who they are as people. Even when it comes to sex, I would rather be with someone I like than someone who looks like a model. Please know that your life (and death) do matter.

 

[blueclover_.]

I feel like this recurring theme of "ugly thus can't be happy" never addresses the actual reasons one is unhappy. I understand that being ugly means in some occasions people will completely snub you, but how do you explain all the ugly, fat people out there that carry on and even seem content? Most people are not hot, sexy etc. There must be something else to happiness than being sexually attractive.

Just because you want to fuck someone doesn't mean they have a great conversation or similar interests to you. There is truth to lookism but it fails to explain how so many ugly people live long, sufficiently satisfying lives and don't kill themselves.

Agree but please stop correlating beauty with sex appeal. Aethetics vs sexual urges are different. Just saying.

I feel like this recurring theme of "ugly thus can't be happy" never addresses the actual reasons one is unhappy. I understand that being ugly means in some occasions people will completely snub you, but how do you explain all the ugly, fat people out there that carry on and even seem content? Most people are not hot, sexy etc. There must be something else to happiness than being sexually attractive.

Just because you want to fuck someone doesn't mean they have a great conversation or similar interests to you. There is truth to lookism but it fails to explain how so many ugly people live long, sufficiently satisfying lives and don't kill themselves.

Agree but please stop correlating beauty with sex appeal. Aethetics vs sexual urges are different. Just saying.

 

[grungeCat]

As a Woman of Color, I have been spit on,pushed,slapped,had feces thrown on me,,been called names,told to go back to Africa and dogs biting me.

I'm very sorry... I will never understand why some people have to be so cruel for no reason.

 

[Darkover]

most humans are in fact ugly as shit its only the top 20 percent who arent 20 percent are extreamly ugly and 40 percent are just average 20 percent are just ugly

 

[g0921]

Even you are attractive, they only pretend to care on social media for a few more days.
Everyone move on very soon, as most of us in the population doesn't matter to the world anyway.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Nothing but the truth

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Low self steem doesn't come out of nowhere Such a condition most of the time is the result of the contempt of the people around, even their family. Even if their family and friends say they care about them, treating them with some indifference because of the way they look is still contempt and rejection, which can lead to many issues.


Thats not a separate issue. It's like saying that a country's lack of education and criminality are separate problems, when the two are obviously very correlated.
My point was never that ugly people can't make friends or date, but that beauty is a very decisive factor in anyone's life.

You speak the truth

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

No actually, I believe no lives matter. I already apologized.

Some people are intent on being offended, no matter what. Imo, you exercised remarkable restraint after you were attacked. There's a lot more that could be said on that topic, but I'll just agree with your point here that no lives "matter". "X lives matter" is a nonsense phrase that has no actual meaning, and is typically used as a devious tactic to gain power.

Given the number of extinctions in the past, and continuing even today, the concept of "lives mattering" is far enough outside of reality to raise eyebrows among the thoughtful. There are few lifeforms that survive without preying on other lifeforms. The 'matter' of those lives is as a food source, not because of any inherent qualities they may or may not possess. While there may be some who haven't eaten animals, who among us has not taken the lives of many plants? Spinach lives matter? Nope. Lives begin, resources like sunlight, minerals, and the flesh of other beings are consumed, then those lives end. In the best case, one's life ends before the consumption by another life form begins.

Cheers

Many couples break up because they don't like the way their partner looks,

This is perhaps the 'last straw', but a relationship based entirely on physical appearance would be too superficial to be real. It would be more like a Hollywood relationship, where being seen with someone of a particular 'look' is the entire point.

Physical appearance is a pretty critical factor in attraction, but just one among a number of other factors. Unless someone has recently been disfigured, the 'breakup over looks' is more likely about a negative change in one or more of the other relationship aspects.

 

[hans0solo]

my approach is just to focus on my own life and not to worry about finding anyone. so I eat tasty foods. Go to art museums. Read books. Enjoy nature. and hope I can get a cat, so I can come home to someone who loves me. We can't control how western beauty standards or other factors make some people more physically attractive. So I try to just deal with my own anxiety about it the best I can.

 

[Luchs]

The truth is that none of us are entitled to anything. It is the jungle out there, the strong eat the weak, the maladapted get left in the dust. We live in a cruel world, ruled by the laws of nature, even if we try to say no to that. If you wan't to have anything you have to fight for it, some have to fight harder than others because through nature or nurture tgey were put at a disadvantage. The fight never ends and I can fully understand why some people just give up and lay down to die, I've been at that point several times in my life too.

We aren't even entitled to shelter, food or water, so one thing I can say, even if it is just like the hollow advice you have probably heard thousands of times, if you are at a disadvantage concerning appearance, you have to build some sort of skill or other thong that people find useful and want to hang out with you for, because 99% of friendships are transactional buisness relationships deep down. The only relationships that come close to being unconditional are bound by blood, but even those are unreliable and can shatter.

You are a soldier fighting your own eternal war against the world, there is no victory, you will die, the best you can do is achieve a stalemate and spite it by simply continuing to exist.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Some people are intent on being offended, no matter what. Imo, you exercised remarkable restraint after you were attacked. There's a lot more that could be said on that topic, but I'll just agree with your point here that no lives "matter". "X lives matter" is a nonsense phrase that has no actual meaning, and is typically used as a devious tactic to gain power.

Given the number of extinctions in the past, and continuing even today, the concept of "lives mattering" is far enough outside of reality to raise eyebrows among the thoughtful. There are few lifeforms that survive without preying on other lifeforms. The 'matter' of those lives is as a food source, not because of any inherent qualities they may or may not possess. While there may be some who haven't eaten animals, who among us has not taken the lives of many plants? Spinach lives matter? Nope. Lives begin, resources like sunlight, minerals, and the flesh of other beings are consumed, then those lives end. In the best case, one's life ends before the consumption by another life form begins.

Cheers

This is perhaps the 'last straw', but a relationship based entirely on physical appearance would be too superficial to be real. It would be more like a Hollywood relationship, where being seen with someone of a particular 'look' is the entire point.

Physical appearance is a pretty critical factor in attraction, but just one among a number of other factors. Unless someone has recently been disfigured, the 'breakup over looks' is more likely about a negative change in one or more of the other relationship aspects.

I didn't attack anyone. I simply asked where in the post did OP imply this affects only women.

 

[noaccount]

I didn't attack anyone. I simply asked where in the post did OP imply this affects only women.

Exactly.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

As a member, and therefore representative, of society, I respectfully disagree; I care.
In fact, as someone with body dysmorphic disorder, I'd probably care MORE because you spent portions of your life believing you were ugly.
Don't believe this lie. You matter. No matter who you are, where you've been or what you've done, you matter.
Always have, always will.
Anyone who doesn't care based on the skin you came in is too shallow for my taste- what kind of person spends time with people based on their looks and not their heart?

I realize the OP was not about dating but the thread went a little off the rails so here is my two cents. My last bf was a model when he was younger….incredibly handsome as a young man and still handsome when I met him but he wasn't a shallow person. I'm average. His son was the same…could have been a model but he liked dating ugly girls.

I also had some handsome guy friends in middle school and high school who I never thought I would have a chance with. One of them was voted most handsome in my class. When I grew up I saw that they had wives that were less attractive than me, borderline ugly. And on further thought I realized these guys used to flirt with me and I had no clue.

I did this myself, convinced myself that I was too ugly for a particular girl (most beautiful in my workplace) then we got together.
Chemistry man, it trumps all.
Then, even when we were together, I KEPT feeling too ugly for her.
In the end it was the Body Dysmorphia that cost me the relationship, not my actual appearance.

Learn the lesson, sooner rather than later- life is a precious thing to waste: nine times out of ten it's FEELING ugly, or even one's REACTION TO NOT BEING CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE, that kills one's chances.
If I could turn back time I'dve grabbed younger me by the scruff and shook some sense into him!

 

[Journeytoletgo]

The sooner you realize this truth it's best to either get out quickly or you will waste pointless years, or build a skill to gain funds to give yourself enjoyment and also enough income to fix various aspects of your appearance that are fixable.

 

[nopointofliving]

Sadly Noone will really care when we die , it doesn't matter how we look, people will forget quickly and life keeps going.

 

[hans0solo]

part of the remedy to 'no one really cares' is to make your own life what ever the fuck makes you happy. dance in the street. eat the best food you can. buy yourself roses if you like those. experience what you can. if no one will give a fuck what you do, dare to do what might seem crazy or wild. risk. a friend gave me a pass to do 'indoor rock climbing'. I did it a few times. I make art that I like. I visit resturants of many nations and try their food. some I like, some I don't. help a stranger. give a sandwich to some homeless people.

 

[Onthe29th]

I'm fine with fewer people caring honestly. It makes this process easier for me.

 

[Mashedout]

unattractive woman is an oxymoron. Some man wants you, 100%. Men don't have as high of standards as women. When women say this phrase they actually mean unattractive to top tier men they're trying to catch.

 

[noaccount]

@Mashedout - Likewise, unattractive man is an oxymoron, and some woman wants some given man 100%. Women do not have less sexual desire than men and most people are not heteros. Also, obviously no, the posters in this thread do not mean "unattractive to people they are trying to catch," but "considered unattractive in a way that leads to broad public/social poor-treatment."

 

[tearsontoast]

Life is unfair. What works for me is to stop playing their game. I stopped caring if I could have romance, sex, or friends. I tried to focus on things I can control like work. I actually felt relieved when I accepted that I will never find someone who loves me.

 

[O_oreo.]

I read a post today that said people (even women) don't like talking to ugly women and see it as a waste of time. And it's true all my life I have been ignored, never had friends, people don't even say hi to me. At best, they pity me and talk to me like I'm a retarded child. As an ugly woman, I'll always be alone. I will never experience love, romance, sex, or friendship. Is this a life worth living?
And I'm sick of people telling me to go to therapy. I did therapy for years and even took antidepressants. But therapy and drugs cant help when your life objectively sucks. People like me need real friends who genuinely like you and enjoy spending time with you. Not a person who is paid to pretend to listen to you and fake sympathy for 45 minutes.
It's cruel to keep a person who is deprived of all things that make humans happy alive. Something that hurts me a lot is that no one will mourn my death. Usually, when a young woman dies everyone says she was beautiful and it was a waste for her to die. But in my case, everyone will be like meh nothing of value was lost. So, basically being ugly makes me worthless.

I really understand you, I lived bullying since elementary school because of my looks and also romantic rejection, men only look for me because of my body to receive how to say it: a reward osea, sex, as ugly people I have gone to psychologists and psychiatrists and they tell you to focus on other things in life but when you do it is impossible not to receive rejection and looks as if you were a freak, then I got tired of fighting with that, so I will do ctb this next week.

Hugs!

 

[hans0solo]

I really understand you, I lived bullying since elementary school because of my looks and also romantic rejection, men only look for me because of my body to receive how to say it: a reward osea, sex, as ugly people I have gone to psychologists and psychiatrists and they tell you to focus on other things in life but when you do it is impossible not to receive rejection and looks as if you were a freak, then I got tired of fighting with that, so I will do ctb this next week.

Hugs!

unfortunatuntley the psy-complex, as they can be called, often don't help people because of this focus (stop focusing on your past, or focus on other things) when its something nearly all humans want: connection, intimacy, sex, romance. I've considered how they work in a private space separated from the world. Our life doesn't happen in that room. Pills don't fix these deep issues. Most people find healing in intimacy of some kind. (but it is also where harm takes place) I hope to find some connection with cats one day. It might be the only means I get to find some regular source of love. But I've accepted that I need to find my own inner peace, regardless.

 

[LastFlowers]

I don't like the title of this thread. Nobody cares when an unattractive man dies either. I can appreciate your plight but not when you act like it only effects women when thats just wrong.

I'm going to be honest, I am SO EXHAUSTED with people's absolute bullshit over this type of topic, SS can be just as guilty as the rest of the internet and society in general with being completely superficial and dismissive assholes to those who suffer severely from this predicament.
And then they go and "justify" it with a smug string of words. (*I don't mean your comment, I mean the ones I'm trying to avoid. What you said does not bother me at all, it's perfectly valid.)
Holy shit am I ever SICK AND TIRED of it.
Which is why I didn't even scroll past the first post and first reply-I already know there's going to be naysayers coming out of the woodwork for this one-yet somehow it jumped me straight to your comment just now (not sure how that happened) and I felt comfortable enough to read it when I saw your username.

So I'm unsure if OP's intention was to exclude the other gender, but I'm going to guess that they probably didn't mean to and were just lamenting from a place of self-focus and they just happen to be a woman, so that's going to be the height of their perception and reality.
(She may also feel the need to make it a point that unattractive women suffer because to be frank, there are countless times where men make the same exclusive specification for themselves, and say all women have it easy, so she might be trying to raise a voice for women to push up against that phenomenon.)
I agree that both genders suffer tremendously from this sort of detriment, so no argument there.
Any plight of this nature from anyone is appreciable to me.

Please don't feel bad, I recognize your pain and your suffering. (To any man dealing with the same).
I admit that I would likely be no more content as an unattractive man, than as an unattractive woman. And vice versa.
I am no man, but I try very hard not to get too stuck in the dichotomy of complexities between men and women when it comes to suffering from lookism (I wish there was a better word, but as far as I know, there is not).
Some differences do exist here and there, and men will be sensitive to theirs, and women will be sensitive to theirs, but at the end of the day, being unattractive is a nightmare for anyone (even those who are gender-nonconforming).

I think another thing that stops any solidarity between the two groups from occurring, is the hypocrisy on both sides.
For example: The open and unapologetic admiration of beautiful women from even men who experience the perils of being unattractive themselves..this can alienate women in the same boat.
And of course women (no matter their appearance) do the same thing, open applause for handsome men (though they have done nothing to deserve it besides being handsome)..which, similarly, can cause the men who are not so good looking, to feel alienated and devalued.
(Of course this also happens in-group when same sex desires are of relevance.)

That's part of why I avoid that type of nonsense altogether.
But most people are not as severe or as ascetic as I tend to be, so topics like these are going to get messy from every angle..probably for a good many centuries to come.
Maybe people like me and you can try to gently nudge the gap to become narrower and narrower.
(The fact that you appreciate this woman's plight is already a great start. More so than I am usually witness to.)

*Also sorry if I am making any incorrect assumptions or possibly missing any rhetoric that you picked up on in the original post, I'm trying so hard to avert my eyes from the mass of replies that I may accidentally be applying that coping mechanism where it need not be.

I really feel like copying and pasting every single reply I've ever made in response to this subject matter and dumping them in every future thread about this from here on out, because JFC this is taxing.
I become nauseous when I feel I have to anticipate argumentative bs (I don't mean you) in regards to the matter at hand, because the truth of it has already killed countless people and has obliterated their potential-their ability to so much as live as human beings, I don't want to roll over but the magnitude of preposterous posturing against the unfortunate-but essential to be recognized-truth within opening posts such as this…it's defeating, it's cruel, it's actually diabolical.
And every time I speak up I think I'm finally fucking done with it, I've said my piece..but I haven't, because other people just want to keep burying it, erasing it, sweeping it under the rug because it inconveniences them and their outlook on the world (and themselves, especially if they are privileged in the looks department).

I hope those who get a kick out of shitting on this issue get a massive and unyielding taste of it for themselves, the sooner the better, because apparently that's what it is going to take to open their eyes to what this really does to a person.
The ones who perish from this turmoil are rotting 6 feet beneath us, and yet those that turn the other way are immeasurably pleased with continuing their flippant and shallow antics.
Some of the same people who beg for mercy and understanding for their own issues, and even for the right to die…they scoff and they spit in the face of this circumstance..in a world that practically lives and breathes appearances.
That hypocrisy blows the one between unattractive men and women out of the fucking water.



..Apologies for using your comment as a diving board into the shit storm (when most of this is directed at the general public and anyone reading this thread, to whom it may concern or apply to). Maybe I'm jaded and this thread is a lot more constructive and empathetic than what I'm used to, but I'm not risking tearing my remaining hairs from my head to find out..

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

So I'm unsure if OP's intention was to exclude the other gender, but I'm going to guess that they probably didn't mean to and were just lamenting from a place of self-focus and they just happen to be a woman, so that's going to be the height of their perception and reality.

I don't think their purpose was to exclude the other gender, I just took it the wrong way and made an assumption. I worded it really poorly. My point was to say basically what you said, that men suffer from this same problem too and that women aren't alone in that boat, but it came out all wrong.