Hello everyone, this is my first post here. Long story short, I am a total fuckup with epilepsy and chronic depression at 21, and can't leave my bed for long because of back problems. This is the backstory you can skip:
My parents divorced a year ago, that was little after my epilepsy started (because of substance abuse, I wanted to feel some happiness in my life).
I had brain lesions as well, and while I never threw a fit in my first twenty years since I can remember, I then started throwing punches left and right (as well as hurting myself). I had nobody, so first they were directed at my mom. She blocked me out of her life and now I'm with my dad. I tried to work for his business, because he knew my limitations and said he would help me. Saturday, he started yelling about my abusive ex and how I am still depressed and apathetic and make him look bad. He then went to bed, and I snapped, sent a nasty message to my ex and punched him right in the abdomen.
It didn't look like a bad punch from my perspective but he said he couldn't breathe and could have had a cardiac arrest. I went and spent two nights with my ex, but the guy beats me and treats me like dirt. I don't need to go into more, but I can't be with him for a long period of time.
I tried to come back to my father and apologize, I am sincerely sorry right now too because when I snap I'm not the same person anymore. I can't keep living this way, and no one will want me like that. But most importantly, my father said he'd let me spend the night but I have to disappear by TOMORROW. That I am a burden to him and don't deserve his hospitality. He has his mind set on this. He knows about my depression and that I tried to CTB a couple times, but it doesn't seem to matter to him. He's a happy person despite having had a shitty life, I know if I were to die that too shall pass.
Now I literally lost my only chance and support, and the person I'm living with hates my existence. I hate it as well but I struggled 21 years because I thought there were people that loved me. There are none, not that I deserved them. He insists of me leaving tomorrow and stop wasting space. I know I'm going to be no good no matter where/if I find work, and have nowhere to go but to sleep.
Here's the actual problem: I have to die by tomorrow without any preparation, anything that could help me and I can't go buy a rope because I keep busting into tears, even though I knew this day would come. I've thought about the bathtub/hyperventilation suicide, but on another website they say there is only 21% chance of death. How would you do it?
I get some pretty sweet meds for my epilepsy but I'm running out and would only be able to refill in 1 week. I think I'll take all that's left, even if it won't help me much, just so I make sure there's no coming back. But what after? What if the bathtub somehow fails? I could attach a computer cable to something, but what? Everything suspended in the house would just fall with me. I have no force to dexterity and I don't think I could tie a knot strong enough anyway, let alone a noose. I need help, please.
Thank you very much, you are all kind people and let's hope together there will be more humane way to end it in the future.
My parents divorced a year ago, that was little after my epilepsy started (because of substance abuse, I wanted to feel some happiness in my life).
I had brain lesions as well, and while I never threw a fit in my first twenty years since I can remember, I then started throwing punches left and right (as well as hurting myself). I had nobody, so first they were directed at my mom. She blocked me out of her life and now I'm with my dad. I tried to work for his business, because he knew my limitations and said he would help me. Saturday, he started yelling about my abusive ex and how I am still depressed and apathetic and make him look bad. He then went to bed, and I snapped, sent a nasty message to my ex and punched him right in the abdomen.
It didn't look like a bad punch from my perspective but he said he couldn't breathe and could have had a cardiac arrest. I went and spent two nights with my ex, but the guy beats me and treats me like dirt. I don't need to go into more, but I can't be with him for a long period of time.
I tried to come back to my father and apologize, I am sincerely sorry right now too because when I snap I'm not the same person anymore. I can't keep living this way, and no one will want me like that. But most importantly, my father said he'd let me spend the night but I have to disappear by TOMORROW. That I am a burden to him and don't deserve his hospitality. He has his mind set on this. He knows about my depression and that I tried to CTB a couple times, but it doesn't seem to matter to him. He's a happy person despite having had a shitty life, I know if I were to die that too shall pass.
Now I literally lost my only chance and support, and the person I'm living with hates my existence. I hate it as well but I struggled 21 years because I thought there were people that loved me. There are none, not that I deserved them. He insists of me leaving tomorrow and stop wasting space. I know I'm going to be no good no matter where/if I find work, and have nowhere to go but to sleep.
Here's the actual problem: I have to die by tomorrow without any preparation, anything that could help me and I can't go buy a rope because I keep busting into tears, even though I knew this day would come. I've thought about the bathtub/hyperventilation suicide, but on another website they say there is only 21% chance of death. How would you do it?
I get some pretty sweet meds for my epilepsy but I'm running out and would only be able to refill in 1 week. I think I'll take all that's left, even if it won't help me much, just so I make sure there's no coming back. But what after? What if the bathtub somehow fails? I could attach a computer cable to something, but what? Everything suspended in the house would just fall with me. I have no force to dexterity and I don't think I could tie a knot strong enough anyway, let alone a noose. I need help, please.
Thank you very much, you are all kind people and let's hope together there will be more humane way to end it in the future.
