Venting No matter what I cant be truly happy

[MindfulEyes009]

My life has always been shitty,from verbal and physical abuse as a kid,multiple abusive fathers and siblings, to me telling my mom i hated her right before she died,and body dysphoria everyday.I can never be happy, as soon as hope shines in my life its taken away,kinda like life saying"Oh you want to die? but look! im throwing you a bone, friend!" as soon as i pick it up its janked it away, I feel like life taunts me,I feel like deserve it or something.No matter what i do i cant escape the thoughts of "No matter what i do it wont matter in the end" or "Dont enjoy this happiness because you know as soon as you do it will be gone"im almost 21 and I just started having friends that i go out with and stuff and a bf who loves me,but some how it only makes it worse.I try my best to make them laugh and happy and i put on a smile,but i cant help thinking about it no matter what.Ive tried and failed a good amount,and at this point by myself all i can do is dream about it,make plans and wish.I feel like i want to die but dont deserve to.I feel tired and i just want to sleep forever

 

[deathisalmosthere]

Honestly. I kinda understand what you are saying. My life is not Shit, it's bad but it could be much worse, because I fight negative emotions with ganja most of the time. But my bad-ish life comes back to haunt my mind when I am sober for anything that is more than 5 days. Maybe you should ganja, antidepressants or drugs. If they don't make you feel better, they will bring you closer to death. A win-win situation.

 

[millefeui]

Likewise. I can't be happy in a world I dislike, in a body I dislike. This overpopulated, overdetailed, overcompetitive world is not for me.

 

[alice-jane]

i

Likewise. I can't be happy in a world I dislike, in a body I dislike. This overpopulated, overdetailed, overcompetitive world is not for me.

have never liked my body either. my legs are too solid and muscular for a girl and i am always trying to minimize them. i actually had an astrolger tell me it's astrologically explainable—something about being an ox or something.

 

[alice-jane]

My life has always been shitty,from verbal and physical abuse as a kid,multiple abusive fathers and siblings, to me telling my mom i hated her right before she died,and body dysphoria everyday.I can never be happy, as soon as hope shines in my life its taken away,kinda like life saying"Oh you want to die? but look! im throwing you a bone, friend!" as soon as i pick it up its janked it away, I feel like life taunts me,I feel like deserve it or something.No matter what i do i cant escape the thoughts of "No matter what i do it wont matter in the end" or "Dont enjoy this happiness because you know as soon as you do it will be gone"im almost 21 and I just started having friends that i go out with and stuff and a bf who loves me,but some how it only makes it worse.I try my best to make them laugh and happy and i put on a smile,but i cant help thinking about it no matter what.Ive tried and failed a good amount,and at this point by myself all i can do is dream about it,make plans and wish.I feel like i want to die but dont deserve to.I feel tired and i just want to sleep forever

yes, life has all the qualities of a sadistic game. voice through megaphone says: welcome to the sadistic game you've been plunked down into. enjoy!

 

[millefeui]

i

have never liked my body either. my legs are too solid and muscular for a girl and i am always trying to minimize them. i actually had an astrolger tell me it's astrologically explainable—something about being an ox or something.

It would be easier for me to list what I like about my body. My deep black eyes and hair... I guess my really small hands are kinda cute, too. That is about it. If you are an ox, I am probably an axolotl or something... Though perhaps that person meant an ox as in the Zodiac sign.

 

[MindfulEyes009]

i smoke weed,smoke cigs ,drink,duster ect. i completely understand, i dont want to be sober it hurts to much,I realize the only reason im alive is because of my boyfriend but it feels like my brain is always making up shit like a nagging voice finding all his flaws or what he didnt do or just "he doesnt love you" ect, I hate my body im FTM trans and its constant dysphoria and i hate it, i feel like i dont fit in any where. but yeah. Im a ox/cancer too lol

 

[millefeui]

i smoke weed,smoke cigs ,drink,duster ect. i completely understand, i dont want to be sober it hurts to much,I realize the only reason im alive is because of my boyfriend but it feels like my brain is always making up shit like a nagging voice finding all his flaws or what he didnt do or just "he doesnt love you" ect, I hate my body im FTM trans and its constant dysphoria and i hate it, i feel like i dont fit in any where. but yeah. Im a ox/cancer too lol

Being transgender is really awful. I know because I am, too. It is not the main reason I want to die, but it certainly contributes to it.