Venting No love gets through

[suffocatingseraphim]

I can't feel any remnant of hope or clarity amidst all of this pain and my unsure future. No matter the love from my partner, family, or friends, it doesn't get through my suicidal ideation. Nothing does.

I went to his memorial on monday, my ex best friend of 10 years who ended his life. I blame myself, i know it isnt about me,
I had said such horrible things to him and cut him from my life before he passed and it tears me apart

I deserve to die. My partner deserves someone better. We can't pay rent because he just quit his job on monday and I got covid so i had to take time off work. Hes been between jobs all year and I've been the only one fully supporting us.

I cant fucking do it anymore. I wish we could end it all together, I wish i could see my friend again, I wish i could even fucking afford to buy razors or rope.

I tied up bedsheets in my closet and attempted a partial hanging just now after we had a conflict about paying rent, but only got far enough to make me dizzy

There was a trans day of remembrance celebration my friend was included in, he had a flag, i said his name among many others on stage. I told my partner i didnt want to be on that list of names, but. I do. I know I'll die by my own hands no matter what, no matter when. It will happen.
I just wish i could have saved enough money to support him and my cats before i left.

Maybe I'll cbt tonight

If nothing else, then just to see him again
I love you fisher
Im sorry
soon enough

 

[hi-okbye]

first i would like to say i'm sorry for your loss. i don't belive it was your fault, i understand how it can feel though. i had nothing to do with my partners death but sometimes i just can't help feeling like if i did more, he could've been alive, and therefore, it's my fault for not doing more.
i really understand when you say about how love can't get through either. no matter the love i feel, anything that tells me to live, it feels like nothing can change my mind at this point.
i hope you find some peace soon <3