No Hate Please, Im having a hard time after an abortion.

[thisismyusername]

So I am married, but I have had two abortions now with him. It seems like we grow more distant because he wanted to keep it but its just a clump of cells that would eventually become a kid that would eventually become an adult that I would have to teach stuff to. I am in my early 20s and just cant see myself as a mom while Im struggling to make it through everything. Lost my job in March, haven't found a new one, debt is piling up, and got harassed recently by a close family member (not my husband). Has anyone on here had an abortion and regretted it or just some advice for me to keep moving forward? I would like to be a mom someday, but now just isn't my time. I don't know anyone else who has had an abortion, and when I try to talk about it, no one seems to understand why I feel upset although I was confident about my decision. I don't know what to do. Thanks for taking the time to see this thread if you've opened it.

 

[these_days9]

I haven't had an abortion so I could never really understand what you're going through. However, I can recognize how difficult of a decision it is, and you are so strong for being able to make that choice. It's okay to not want to be a mom now but want to in the future. It's your body. And you know best what you need. That doesn't mean it isn't painful. And I hope you can find any kind of relief, even momentarily, from what you must be going through. <3 and sorry if this response is off base in any way.

 

[thisismyusername]

I haven't had an abortion so I could never really understand what you're going through. However, I can recognize how difficult of a decision it is, and you are so strong for being able to make that choice. It's okay to not want to be a mom now but want to in the future. It's your body. And you know best what you need. That doesn't mean it isn't painful. And I hope you can find any kind of relief, even momentarily, from what you must be going through. <3 and sorry if this response is off base in any way.

Not at all. I'm just having a hard time finding people who can directly relate to the weight of my decision. And although I don't necessarily feel burdened, I am having a hard time processing it. Even with the first abortion, it seemed like I was living in some sort of dream world where bad things were happening so I did it out of self control and concern. This second time was just out of the blue and scary. I don't know. But thank you for your kindness. It's hard to talk about things like this and I am glad someone has the heart to know it's normal.

 

[feast or famine]

I'm really sorry to hear about the decision you've had to make twice. A lot of people don't understand the pain or conflicting feelings that can be associated with deciding to have an abortion, even if you know you made the right choice for yourself.

I've never had an abortion, so I can't relate, but I can still be empathetic to your situation. You obviously did what you thought was best and I think that's what matters. Bringing a child into the world is one of the most life changing decisions someone can make. You weren't ready and that's okay.

I think you should just give yourself time to breathe and be as easy on yourself as you can. I'm wondering if you're on any form of BC or use condoms to prevent this from happening so you don't have to struggle with making this decision again? If that's too personal, I understand.

 

[thisismyusername]

I'm wondering if you're on any form of BC or use condoms to prevent this from happening so you don't have to struggle with making this decision again?

I am actually in the process of getting some birth control. With my insurance, it's hard to see what is covered and whats not. Without a job, I've been cutting into my savings for everything. My husband has been keeping the roof over our heads and its stressful for him too. But if my insurance covers even a little bit of it, my husband and I are gonna find the money for it so we can prevent this pain from happening an unlucky third time.

 

[feast or famine]

I am actually in the process of getting some birth control. With my insurance, it's hard to see what is covered and whats not. Without a job, I've been cutting into my savings for everything. My husband has been keeping the roof over our heads and its stressful for him too. But if my insurance covers even a little bit of it, my husband and I are gonna find the money for it so we can prevent this pain from happening an unlucky third time.

Have you looked into Planned Parenthood and their birth control options? I think the most may be $50 a month without insurance. But a lot of insurances are covered there. You can also qualify for specific programs to help with the cost if necessary.

 

[thisismyusername]

Have you looked into Planned Parenthood and their birth control options? I think the most may be $50 a month without insurance. But a lot of insurances are covered there. You can also qualify for specific programs to help with the cost if necessary.

PP is where I went for my abortion and where they offered me birth control as well. But since my insurance is through the military (husband), they are unsure if my insurance covers it and my own rep is unsure. So its stressful but my husband has been really helpful in making sure I am taking initiative in getting birth control, even when I am having a hard day. Mostly because thinking of birth control and such puts my brain down the rabbit hole of what ifs and I get anxious. If my insurance doesn't cover it there, the doctor there already told me I could possibly qualify for one of their bc programs.

 

[feast or famine]

PP is where I went for my abortion and where they offered me birth control as well. But since my insurance is through the military (husband), they are unsure if my insurance covers it and my own rep is unsure. So its stressful but my husband has been really helpful in making sure I am taking initiative in getting birth control, even when I am having a hard day. Mostly because thinking of birth control and such puts my brain down the rabbit hole of what ifs and I get anxious. If my insurance doesn't cover it there, the doctor there already told me I could possibly qualify for one of their bc programs.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time finding coverage. It is such a hassle to figure out insurance crap and it really shouldn't be.

I hope you're able to get everything figured out and I wish you well. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I just wanted to chime in to tell you everything that you feel is valid and you shouldn't be ashamed.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I haven't had an abortion but I can absolutely empathize with the complexity of being confident in a decision that was for the best and yet not being satisfied with it, having anguish and/or other emotions. Life is like this. Sometimes doing what is best, even doing what one is certain is right, does not feel wonderful or totally freeing. One releases one burden to carry another, but the one released was the more unmanageable.


I don't know if this helps... My grandfather told my mother after my grandmother died that during the Depression, she had an abortion. They had two children, more children than they could afford, one a baby whose crib was a dresser drawer. They were white Midwestern Christians and such things weren't discussed, so they did not disclose the abortion and did not receive emotional support, they had to manage it themselves. They later lost another child days after his birth due to a condition that at the time had no cure, and a teenage daughter to tuberculosis right after my mother was born, leaving only two living children. My mother didn't quite know herself how to manage the knowledge of the abortion, even though she was an adult when she was told. It's something she would have considered "wrong," yet when applied to her own family, and understanding the dire financial situation, she had compassion for her mother's choice. I was in late grade school when she told me, and she still had never reached a sense of resolution about it, a decade after she'd learned of it. It seemed like she understood it as more sadness on top of immense, impossible sadness, including the Depression.

Sending compassion and a warm hug that's reusable.

 

[thisismyusername]

Sending compassion and a warm hug that's reusable.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sure that I have made the greatest decision for the family I have with just my husband and our puppy, looking forward to a family in the future (hopefully). It makes me think that maybe I do know more people who have had an abortion, but are afraid to come forward like myself.

 

[Disappointered]

I think you made a difficult but very brave decision that a lot of people would likely feel conflicted about. In my opinion, you have conducted yourself in the most ethical manner by taking the future happiness of a potential child into account and deciding against that eventuality after an honest assessment of your situation. I respect you for that and am glad that if you ever do become a parent it will be when you feel truly prepared and ready to give a child a decent life. Cheers.

 

[_Kaira_]

For me personally, I do have a conflicted view when it comes to abortion. Mainly because I'm close to if not completely barren. It would be extremely difficult, if not straight up impossible for me to reproduce.

But at the same time, the topic of abortion is similar to the one "Do you want kids?" thread I posted in. I want them, but I also don't because of many of the reasons you described. I couldn't afford them, not mentally well enough to teach them, and I don't want to roll the dice on their future (as far as bad genes, them wanting to ctb, etc.). If I did somehow magically get pregnant, I personally wouldn't be able to decide easily to abort or at least adopt out. After all, it would be a miracle.


With that being said. Do what you think is right. Like others have said, try to do your best to get BC so abortions would have to be your absolute last choice. It is your body, after all. Do not feel bad with your decisions, it would be more irresponsible to try and raise a child when you are not fully ready to provide the life they would need.

 

[Susannah]

I had an abortion 8 years ago. My boyfriend at the time wasn't really a father figure, and I didn't believe our relationship would last anyway (it didn't). I thought I would handle it good because I knew it was the right thing to do. But when I woke up at the hospital, I felt awful. They send me home, depressed and in a bad shape. The worst part was how lonely I felt. I had no one to talk to about it. I ended up so depressed that my boyfriend broke up and moved out. I send you lots of love and warm thoughts.

 

[LittleJem]

Just a quick google says 1 in 4 American women have had an abortion.

It sounds like a responsible and caring decision you made to wait till you are in the right place for a child.

I have had an abortion, but while I did feel some grief, I knew 100 per cent that I would only want to be a mother if I would be a good mother and if my marriage was in the right place. My mental health was never good enough - I grew up with an abusive mother and in poverty - and my marriage was not happy and is now ended. By the end of it, my depression was so bad I couldn't look after my dog ( let alone a child).

I am personally so grateful for abortion. I also wish more women would share their stories, whether relief or grief, as so many women have had abortions but there is still some kind of hidden shame for many.

 

[sarahR]

No one should have any negative thoughts. It's your decision. If you feel it was the only option you have. About moving forward only time would heal that mentally and physically. Wish you strength and all the best. For sure it wasn't a decision you took lightly.

 

[grungeCat]

I'm sorry you're going through the pain. If you're not ready to be parent then I believe you did the right thing. Stay strong, I'm sending you love

 

[Caspers]

Hi, I'm sorry you've been through this suffering. On the birth control side, have you considered the implant? It's a small flexible plastic rod that's placed on your upper arm. It works by releasing a hormone to prevent pregnancy. I got mine for irregular periods and luckily for me they disappeared. Mine lasts for three years, so you only need to pay one payment every three years. I would suggest you go to the doctor and talk about long term birth control. I wouldn't suggest the coil as it's too large for most women who haven't given birth

 

[thisismyusername]

I am personally so grateful for abortion. I also wish more women would share their stories, whether relief or grief, as so many women have had abortions but there is still some kind of hidden shame for many.

Thank you. I am definitely one of the few with hidden shame. I am glad that you felt like it was the best decision for you as well. It is a weird situation that I think now might take longer to process than just a few months or one bad night about it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And thank you to everyone with their kind words and care, I really appreciate it. I didn't post looking for any sort of attention, but I am glad that some people listened with open ears and gave proper concern in their replies. It makes me feel more comfortable knowing I did the right thing and that maybe one day, I can feel more confident to wear this experience on my sleeve.

The worst part was how lonely I felt. I had no one to talk to about it.

I felt so alone afterwards. Both times. The first time, I had a home abortion (medically provided pills from PP) but my husband went out with his friends when I woke up to a crazy pain that put me in tears and kept me bedridden for the night when I was starving, dehydrated, and couldn't reach my phone to call anyone. He eventually apologized but it causes a lot of stress even now thinking about waking up from it. The second time, I still felt so alone... Even with my husband, sitting there, giving me food, helping me walk everywhere with the worst cramps of my life, the pain itself was difficult but the feeling of loneliness is so real. I've tried explaining it to him and I feel like no matter how hard I try, he doesn't get it. Birth control is the next step so I never have to feel that way again.
I really hope you can create a more positive narrative around your abortion as I am trying so hard to do, even with the given situation (my extreme sympathies to you and fuck all that shit), just knowing that someone else had that feeling makes me feel like I am still just recovering from this second one. Thank you. Lots of love.

I really do feel better with each reply on this thread. I keep thinking about how I want to set a good example in normalizing this procedure but my own struggles with it make it difficult. Im glad that others understand and continue to support people like me.

 

[Niftypoint124]

I have never had one myself, but I've supported several friends through getting one -- some of which were happy after, some of which were sad, and some moved between those two emotional reactions depending on what else was going on. This is a significant emotional situation for you, plus losing your job and pandemic stress - allow yourself some grace. As other women have said here, I wish we heard more from people both pleased and displeased with their decision to have an abortion, just to have a more well-rounded idea of how it impacts people.

Personally, I applaud you for knowing you weren't in a position to take care of a baby right now. I've had several friends that kept children they were unprepared for and incapable of raising at a young age... and you know what, every single one of their kids is being raised in a less-than-desirable home situation.

I wish I had more to offer you support-wise than just words. Be kind to yourself, you are worth it. <3

 

[Weary Soul]

Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to love, grieve, and move forward, or whatever you need to do to find peace.

Love and healing to you.

 

[AllReturnsToNothing]

Hey, abortions are hard. I'm physically incapable of having kids (luckily I don't want them) but from the stuff I've read from women who have had abortions, It isn't an easy thing to do. Even when safe abortions are easily accessible it still puts so much strain on the body just emotionally due to the way our brains are wired. That's why I'm pro-choice, since I know that anyone who knows the side-effects and are still willing to go through with it are serious (as opposed to the pro-life position which imagines a non-existent twisted fantasy world where abortions as something "trendy" to do like getting a tattoo or a body piercing). I think you were very brave and I hope you get plenty of rest and allow your body to feel whatever it needs to feel in order to move forward. There's no need to look at the choice you made as being either morally right or wrong, it's just simply what you thought was best.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

he wanted to keep it but its just a clump of cells that would eventually become a kid that would eventually become an adult that I would have to teach stuff to.

I personally think everyone should have been aborted but this is quite the reductionist view you have.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Even if you didn't want the pregnancy it had to be an emotional choice, and your hormones will still crash. It sounds like you made the best choice for you, and by extension the potential child. Sending you hugs.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I bear witness to your struggle. I see you. You are not alone.

 

[puppy9]

It hurts me that you even need to title it that way. I'm sorry. @thisismyusername

You can have kids when you wanna to. For me you'd be a great mom because you really put your future children into account. I wish my mom was like you, she should've aborted me because when she was having me her life was miserable with my sociopathic dad. Now I'm a product of that mess. I would not be here (SS) constantly wanna CTB and failed to do it if she was like you.

I hope you'll find someone to talk too.

You're great and no one can say it otherwise. *hugs

 

[Emily_Numb]

My thoughts are with you. I carry that same pain every... single... day.

All I can say is to please really, really think things through next time. I thought it was 'a clump of cells' and would have never been regarded as pro-life although I don't believe that multiple abortions should be used due to not using protection. It was what needed to be done, well I didn't have a choice really (situational/affair) and absolutely the only thing to do at the time. The male didn't really have anything to say and didn't really offer me to think it through or be supportive. He was only worried about fucking up his own home life.

This is the only time in my life I have done this and the only time I have been pregnant. It was an early term abortion, not even a DNC or anything. I was 36 at the time.

I can categorically say it has been one of THE most traumatic, upsetting, depressing things I have ever put myself through during adulthood. It was without a doubt the catalyst for my recent depressive and suicidal spiral and this was 2 years ago.

I have never and believe I won't ever 'get over it'.

Please don't end up like me. It has psychologically ruined my life.