Story No going back?

[casctb]

I don't know if I'm alone in this but I feel as though I can never be satisfied with getting better. Even when I wanted to, I would always revert back to being depressed which would depress me even more to the point where I would be in a perpetual cycle of slight happiness to suicidal ideation.
As a child, I was more open to getting help but as the years went by and my wounds were left unhealed, continually feeling alone, I gave up. I became comfortable with the pain and fear so it became a part of me. I distrusted everyone irrationally because the people that I was supposed to trust, betrayed and dismissed me.
The pain of my childhood caused me to view life as awful since I felt the pain more sharply than the happiness.
My life started out with pain and all I knew was pain, so I don't want to go through pain anymore. I don't think I can go back to the time where I wanted help to get better. Happiness is so fleeting to me that getting help seems so futile and empty.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I'm sorry you're stuck in this vicious cycle. I think many of us with chronic depression will battle this for their entire life. I've been battling it myself for a very long time now.

 

[I screwed up]

I'm sorry you're stuck in this vicious cycle. I think many of us with chronic depression will battle this for their entire life. I've been battling it myself for a very long time now.

Very true ... Me In the same boat

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I don't know if I'm alone in this but I feel as though I can never be satisfied with getting better. Even when I wanted to, I would always revert back to being depressed which would depress me even more to the point where I would be in a perpetual cycle of slight happiness to suicidal ideation.
As a child, I was more open to getting help but as the years went by and my wounds were left unhealed, continually feeling alone, I gave up. I became comfortable with the pain and fear so it became a part of me. I distrusted everyone irrationally because the people that I was supposed to trust, betrayed and dismissed me.
The pain of my childhood caused me to view life as awful since I felt the pain more sharply than the happiness.
My life started out with pain and all I knew was pain, so I don't want to go through pain anymore. I don't think I can go back to the time where I wanted help to get better. Happiness is so fleeting to me that getting help seems so futile and empty.

Not alone at all. I tried to get help numerous times but now I have a cynical/hateful midset toward healthcare providers. I know they're doing the best they can but I'm judged solely on my medical record and have given up trying to get help, there's been too many times when I've really tried but nothing happens. I literally refuse help since I have my own goal (to ctb) in mind. No-one really understands why I refuse the help and I can't say why or I'll get put in hospital again.

 

[casctb]

Not alone at all. I tried to get help numerous times but now I have a cynical/hateful midset toward healthcare providers. I know they're doing the best they can but I'm judged solely on my medical record and have given up trying to get help, there's been too many times when I've really tried but nothing happens. I literally refuse help since I have my own goal (to ctb) in mind. No-one really understands why I refuse the help and I can't say why or I'll get put in hospital again.

Sorry to hear that. I've tried to get help too and speak about my mental health issues but those experiences have hurt me even more. I understand that feeling so much.

 

[aspx]

I'm at the very same boat as you all, the only thing is that I don't really have a concrete reason to want to ctb. I can't (and don't want to) get better if I don't even know why I'm like this.
I think at least some of us have embraced the idea of ctb to feel more comfortable, I just don't know if there's a going back.