Story No context - Why suicide might be the only option for me, my last resort

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm feeling suicidal.

I feel like since the social workers will have to backpedal or explain themselves now, on top of what my family is doing.
This means that nothing will happen for me because the social workers and families life are more important than mine.
It's probably less hassle for them to just let my family keep tormenting me,
and I'll be left with the decision to kill myself again because I can't put up with it.
I would make a successful attempt now but I don't have the energy, if I had an easy method I would be considering it now.


Edit to add some context: (wasn't sure whether I had the energy)

My social workers told my sister to steal my cat. Their only possible excuses are to lie and say they didn't, or say that they were acting on what my sister told them. They should have spoken to me or one of many witnesses though, especially as I'm mom's primary carer.

They also possibly told my sister to do something which essentially cuts my mom off from her online banking and prevents me from checking her bank balance or for supicious withdrawals. My sister wants eventually full sole access to all of mom's finances, while I'm mom's primary carer. It's not making sense to me.

They told my sister to send my mom who's blind and vulnerable, in a taxi to go to her house and back from mine ~5 miles apart, alone. My sister may have lied about this to excuse it. It's not the worst thing but it's another questionable and contestable decision since there was no reason to force my mom to travel on her own, or travel at all. My mom had a skype call there but she could've done that here too.

-
With my sister, I wrote about her in some previous posts and more happened since then but suffice to say my whole family is very toxic at the least. They've done far worse than the social workers.


As you can see, it's a royal mess even without context on what my family is doing. They can't be in the right and the wrong at the same time. They can possibly be excused, in the "the officer acted appropriately when they killed x and y innocent people" bullshit kind of way, except worse. Or they can lie. Or they can just skip the part where the liason team assessed me presumably correctly, and pin it all on me again and leave me with the choice to suffer torment horribly or kill myself.



If I ctb is there any way for the mods to link my posts here to my real identity so they can get to the bottom of everything. Or at least reveal my real identity to the authorities.

That would be my express wish. Even though I'm dead and it can't change anything anymore, I don't want the memory of me tarnished. I want people to know what really happened. I want them to see my posts here when I'm gone. That's probably wishful thinking to some degree.

I suppose if I ctb they'll find a way to go through my pc anyway. I'm not removing SaSu or other forums from my browser history. I don't know if they'll be able to login as me though but maybe.


Writing this out reminds me how rational, and sympathetic we are here. I can pick any OP out at random and all I see is another suffering person, There is so much empathy and understanding here in this forum but outside it we are stigmatised for being suicidal and they assume that means there's something wrong with us.

 

[Suicideorgy]

Is getting away from them for a few days an option? I never felt better than when I left my family. I am back with them now and all the pain and depression is coming back just like old times. I am honestly thinking about living in a tent just to get away from them.

Some short stay rentals allow cats but if moneys tight, sorry for making useless suggestions.

When I was away from my family I realized its all family bullshit and I dont want to deal with it but now that I am back its like my whole world has been swallowed up by this family bullshit. I get it. I dont know what to say and I dont really know how to help. Sorry.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Suicide should always be the last resort. You can send a delayed message, set to send after you "potentially" ctb. It would only post on here, though, so you're still at the mercy of someone revealing your identity, if that's what you really want, to someone else. Someone might go through your pc, but can you be sure that won't be your sister first or anyone else you don't want to see your personal writings? I have my browser set to not log me out of SS.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Is getting away from them for a few days an option? I never felt better than when I left my family. I am back with them now and all the pain and depression is coming back just like old times. I am honestly thinking about living in a tent just to get away from them.

Some short stay rentals allow cats but if moneys tight, sorry for making useless suggestions.

When I was away from my family I realized its all family bullshit and I dont want to deal with it but now that I am back its like my whole world has been swallowed up by this family bullshit. I get it. I dont know what to say and I dont really know how to help. Sorry.

That's what I want yes absolutely even if it won't solve my problems. Although my experience last few days also shows that the abuses can still go around in my head and keep me awake(I'm sunburned as well from avoiding them, makes sleeping harder plus insomnia anyway), and that with a "break" away from them, gives me more to think about their abuses and come to realisations that are more horrible or that I already knew about but just didn't "click" in my head.

Unfortunately beside being primary carer for mom (she benefits from 24/7 support since she's blind now), I literally don't have the energy or concentration to figure out how to get away. I'm also worried about other people on here. In fact if anyone needs support I'm there for you under normal circumstances, although now might not be the best time as I'm already trying to give support to enough people. So I don't want to get away from people on here and then not be able to give them support if they are in crisis. I don't have a laptop or use phone for here.

I had the same problem I ran away then got lonely and came back, then I was great when I was living on my own, but my family continued to abuse me. Particularly my brother at the time. Then I moved again and my mom moved herself in with me and I had the problem again I was too exhausted to get away from her. Thinking about made me think of something, I wonder if my nana was the same way to my mom as my family is to me. My mom says she had horrible experiences with family, I didn't believe it because nana and grandad were/is so nice even if my uncle was extremely sadistic(anti-r.i.p. uncle). But maybe some abuse is passed to my mom from her parents and I just never saw it the same way people don't see it with me and my family. I feel like hugging mom after this and listening to her for a bit. I will make some notes about this and bring it up with therapist if I stay alive. I know that my dad's parents we're nice to him and they were lovely people, maybe they spoiled him, I don't know why my dad is the way he is but he's extremely abusive to me. Then again, he thinks he is in the right so maybe he's just mistaken about a great many things (Palpatine voice) lol.

I would like to get a short stay rental with someone else since I'm exhausted for myself and it's hard to look after myself but I get more energy taking care of others. I don't have anyone though and my age and gender doesn't help with meeting a random stranger. I would and do feel bad persuading someone to stay with me, even if I worry about their welfare.
Please don't say its a useless suggestion *hugs* - if you talk like that then your family probably makes you feel as worthless as mine does to me. You're an important persn who matters and thank you for your reply. I take you seriously.

"When you were away..." - exactly you need to get away first to realise its bullshit you need time and space to get them out of your headspace and stop controlling you. Exactly as soon as you are back they enmesh themselves again its the same with me. Did your family start to fall apart when you were away? It did for me, I only ran away from home for about 6 months and my mom had an affair, my parents got divorced and my brother stopped talking to mom all of this happened while I was away.

You're extremely helpful and not knowing what to say and help is alright, I struggle with knowing what to say at the right time too sometimes it only occurs to me after.

You're a good person, nothing to be sorry about.

Suicide should always be the last resort. You can send a delayed message, set to send after you "potentially" ctb. It would only post on here, though, so you're still at the mercy of someone revealing your identity, if that's what you really want, to someone else. Someone might go through your pc, but can you be sure that won't be your sister first or anyone else you don't want to see your personal writings? I have my browser set to not log me out of SS.

No this is exactly the sort of invasion and or covering of their tracks they would be capable of.

I do not know that for certain if I ctb for sure that police will find my pc etc, my family might rush to dispose of it.
You just reminded me that my mom used to invade my privacy all the time. This is a complaint another person here on SaSu made to me about their mom, I worry about them.

I still think it's quite likely the police can get to my PC before my family though. Whether its easy for them to bypass my passwords and access my logins I don't know and see what I've written and browsed etc. It would be an invasion of privacy, so I don't know if data protection laws against it, but I should imagine imagine it something the police are rightly justified of doing if they are concerned in the case of an unusual death such as a suicide. Since I've reported a crime about my family and it should be in my mental health records about my family (it is for my uncle but he's deceased) then there's a possibly they will go through my pc. But maybe it's wishful thinking.

I don't really want to die but if my family continues to torment me it might happen.

They were far worse to me in the past and my childhood which is why I've been suicidal nearly my entire life. Just an explainer as to why this might not seem like a big deal but there's a lot of violent physical abuse and manipulative family past and emotional abuse. Financial abuse too but don't come in my dms asking for money (I will report the exact instant I suspect manipulation, and my intuition is __very__ good. Unless I care about you and don't think you'd hurt anyone, but I still won't divest myself of funds, I would not even book a uber or two for someone or text someone unless I thought they were in legitimate need and I cared about them).

 

[VirtualSnow]

This is straight up horrific to read, I don't even know how you have been handling your family until now, but the last person you should give up on is yourself, it's possible to live without a brother, a mother, a sister or pretty much without anyone but yourself. I don't know if your circumstances enable you to cut contact with your family at all, not as in getting away for days, but in removing them from your life and not ever contacting them again, but since you are thinking of ctb you might want to consider it, after all, it's better to be alone than in bad company.

If I ctb is there any way for the mods to link my posts here to my real identity so they can get to the bottom of everything. Or at least reveal my real identity to the authorities.

That would be my express wish. Even though I'm dead and it can't change anything anymore, I don't want the memory of me tarnished. I want people to know what really happened. I want them to see my posts here when I'm gone. That's probably wishful thinking to some degree.

I suppose if I ctb they'll find a way to go through my pc anyway. I'm not removing SaSu or other forums from my browser history. I don't know if they'll be able to login as me though but maybe.

If you want people to know what happened to you, it'd perhaps be easier to denounce it by yourself, the police may or may not find these posts (or even login as you, it wouldn't be the first time), but even if they did, I don't know if they'd be able to do anything against your family at all.

"When you were away..." - exactly you need to get away first to realise its bullshit you need time and space to get them out of your headspace and stop controlling you.

The least amount of impact they have over your life and feelings, the better, there are few things worse than ctb for someone else's fault.

But whatever, I know my answer could have been way more useful, but since you seem this compassionate I wanted to write anything that would perhaps remotely help, specially with the thing about the police, from my little experience, while it wouldn't be impossible for them to correlate and actually take any measure against your family, it's kind of difficult.
Either way, just remember to think about yourself before anyone, let it be your family, users or just any single person.

This said, no matter what happens from now on, I hope for the best.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Today has been odd as well.
One of my mom's carers(Laura) rang back to check that my mom was ok, that's different to usual routine.
They'd mentioned it to me previously so I didn't think anything about it.
Then later on (around 12.30) my mom was calling from the other room and sounded and looked distressed.
I went to help her into her room and she fell down somehow - she did not land badly.
Then she made an immediate slight sideways and tapped her head against the radiator(I think no injury).
I tried to help her up and she started to move but then I felt her pulling me down instead instead so I gave up.
She doesn't fell very often and I can usually get her up in one go.
She asked for an ambrosia pudding and I got her that.
I've rang non-emergency to report it and I'll mention it to carers later.
While reporting it, I found she was back in bed. Later on to clinc physician over phone she said she had crawled over to bed.
I'm concerned about her.
I don't understand how she fell, why she knocked her head, and she said she wasn't feeling dizzy.
I don't know if it was an attention thing because she knew I'm expecting a call from 111 as well about my sucidal thoughts (although I said it was about sunburn).
I feel bad having a suspicion at all.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

This is straight up horrific to read

I assume you mean about the past abuse as well, in which case I'm glad you don't know what that was like. I started to hang myself a few nights ago(wore noose, did not injure myself), as I felt like I was out of options(still feel that way) and what they were doing was too horrendous for me to comprehend. I had called 999 twice that night, first time said I was ok but then I went home and wrote out suicide note and started clearing some of browser history. Second time I didn't feel taken seriously, so I started the attempt, I don't know if I would have actually gone through with it if they didn't eventually ring me back. I've never attempted so I don't know whether I can do it or not. I didn't want to die, but also no choice if I continue to be tormented and I want peace.

Re: removing myself from them permanently. That's what I'm attempting to do, it's awful since I look after mom now. I had run away in the past, imminent reason to escape violence or worse from uncle. but overall reason what my family like as I've made other attempts to run away as a young teen but they dragged me back. I should probably mention that to someone as you're the first person I've mentioned about my young teen run away attempts.

I don't really want people to do anything about my family, I just want some shred of the truth to remain when I ctb.
Re: thinking about myself before others. That takes therapy at this point, it's ingrained. I know that I could put myself first if I wanted to- sometimes I do that without thinking about it. I could be considered selfish sometimes in e.g. gaming, when I'm doing something I think is for others benefit but it benefits me. But also extremely
generous, spending game money and irl money on others (I quit a MUD once, due to intense bullying, partly because I defended others from bullying or pvpd others for my friends sake, and I had impossible to get unique restricted items, if you've seen Overlord think of "World Class Items" if I remember right. I had more than anyone else. and I gave the WCIs to friends and lots of platinum to almost everyone before I quit. It was sad for me because they were really horrible and abusive to me on there as well. I think the abuse from my family made me more vulnerable to abuse from others, but also they were jealous about my ingame possessions and leaderboard prizes and we had disagreements about that).

--
I just had a call from 111-ish, I think an out of hours G.P. or something and he's referring me to a crisis team, will probably ring me back. I have written notes on my computer today and earlier which was making it a little easier to talk.

The out of hours doctor spoke to me again and had been shared some of my notes from A&E liason team(with my consent of course), and confirmed with me that the plan they formed on the night I spoke with them doesn't seem to have changed. This helps with my anxiety a little bit. I'm still anxious because its a lot to hope for and still a work of work and hassle to actually go about, and having to retalk things again and again. I'd rather talk about it and type on the computer about it instead of over phone or face to face but on phone in front of pc with my notes isn't too bad.

Anyway so I'm not suicidal currently but still worried that everything will fall apart again and I'm back to square one.

Thanks for helping and I hope the best for you too.

 

[Cathy Ames]

WOW {edited to take out some bad words}! I am absolutely livid on your behalf. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's not acceptable. Yeah.. I'm mostly speechless but just really, really wanted to send some support your way. I do hope you can hang in there to reach a resolution where you are safe from them. The other option is beyond unfair.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

WOW {edited to take out some bad words}! I am absolutely livid on your behalf. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's not acceptable. Yeah.. I'm mostly speechless but just really, really wanted to send some support your way. I do hope you can hang in there to reach a resolution where you are safe from them. The other option is beyond unfair.

Thanks for all your support, I know you care about me.

My dms are always free if you wanted to talk more or support for yourself, you're always giving me support but I don't know much about you. Someone being livid on my behalf is probably what I need more of in my life, but without wanting you to feel upset/angry too much because it's unpleasant and frustrating too. Same applies to the other comments thanks for being shocked or mad about it and trying to help.

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people really are so cruel and I'm sorry that you are in such an awful situation. To me it is terrible the way that many people treat others. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Some people really are so cruel and I'm sorry that you are in such an awful situation. To me it is terrible the way that many people treat others. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

Thank you and I agree about people being cruel and that it's terrible how people are each to other. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone in a similar situation to mine wouldn't be suicidal at some points in their lives.


/rant/

I'm getting upset again I need to stop thinking about things.
They just keep turning up in my head unbidden.
I had the same problems when I was a kid going through all kinds of abuse.
The abuses just chase around and around in your head forever.
Forcing you to keep reliving them, no escape.
I used to feel like my brain was being damaged, like in a vice, a crushing pain.

So I don't remember why but I was thinking about my mom's social workers again.
They told my sister to steal my cat (according to my sister).
I can't know for sure but she said my own social worker said that too.
And if mine did then it makes it more likely that my mom's did,
Because mine would have had far less justification to suggest that than mom's,
Since social worker is supposed to have their assigned persons best interests in mind,
My own social worker didn't deny it when I asked over phone call.
They just made an excuse.
It's awful not getting the confirmation really.
Maybe I need confirmation too much because of what I've been through, idk.
That was an upsetting phone call in general.
And then suddenly just now today I was getting upset again,
Because my social worker is supposed to have my best interests in mind,
And I can't see how she could justify this decision,
The impact on my own mental health not knowing where my cat was everyday.
My going out on neighbourhood searches everyday and probably getting more sunburn lol.
No matter what my sister had been telling her.
My mom knew too which sucked. "not her idea" that's still enabling my sister and others,
And ignoring me when I go out everyday and calling her name all the time.
It's horrible because my family are able to get others and each other to abuse me so easily.
My childhood was traumatic.
I've forced myself to calm down, I will force myself to tell a nurse later.
They said I can waive confidentiality when I talk to them if I want to.
For this specific rant I'll them that I don't know whether or not I want to.
Because it's about social workers and things they may or may not have done.
Sarah may just have successfully persuaded me that they had a part in all of the contestable decisions,
That I was concerned was about.

/rant/